Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Holey Underwear, Batman! OR For Sale: Secondhand Underwear, So-So Condition, Only One Previous Owner


Do you ever get real lazy about doing your laundry and start dipping into the deep, deep reserves of scrub underwear? I'm talking scrubs off the nether regions of the bench that never get any playing time, not unlike mid 1990's Chicago Bull Ed Nealy*, affectionately known as "The Lunch Box." That's right, Ed. I'm likening you to my crappiest of undergarments.

This week I had already used up all the gym shorts I go to for makeshift boxers, and I was down to the . . . final . . . pair. They are a pair of white boxer briefs, bordering on tighty-whities, with so many holes that it looks as if someone dropped an M80 firecracker into them, which I hope never happens to anyone, especially if they are in said undies at the time. There is one especially gaping hole in the undercarriage, allowing my, well, undercarriage, to dip right out of those bad boys. That's right. Zero support, not at all functional, but so very, very lucky. I'd never want to get lucky in them. That's a task for my designer drawers, the Scottie Pippens of the world. Then again, you always get laid when you least suspect it, so odds are I would get some the night I'm wearing my Ed Nealy's.

During an uncomfortable train ride in my holiest of drawers, I was reminded that somewhere along the line I picked up the notion that the holey undies are one's lucky undies. Why? Is it possible that this concept was born out of the Great Depression as a means to make people feel better about not being able to afford proper under garments, kind of like when you tell a bride it's good luck to have rain on your wedding day, just to keep her from having a conniption and punching a maitre d'? Probably not, but when I say "born out of the great depression" I feel like I'm putting my history degree to good use, which helps me sleep at night.

How about you, seven readers? Do you have lucky underwear or underwear of any significance? I guess what I'm saying is, "All right, people I hardly know. Tell me something special about your undies!"

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*I couldn't find anything on the internet to verify that he ever had that nick name, but trust me, it was his nick name, at least on my block. I did, however, see that on the night Jordan scored 69 points, he called his mom to tell her that he and Mike combined for 72 points that night (2.7 was his average, so he kind of went off that night. Must have had his lucky undies on). Also, I could only find one picture of him on the web, and it was protected. I'm just trying to give the man his props, compare him to my whitey-tighties, and post it on the web. Where's the harm in that?

29 comments:

fort knocks said...

The last time I bought undies, I forgot that underwear has sizes. How? I don’t know. The result? I got a bunch of white boxer briefs that are four sizes too small. I call them my snugderpants.

JerseySjov said...

i stockpile underwear, but i also frequently retire gross old pairs when i get new ones. i have upwards of 50 pairs of victoria's secret pink undies. between my 50 pair of underpanties, days where i go commando, and dancewear that doesnt require underoos, i never have to do laundry aaand i don't have any embarrassing holey drawers.

but i have noticed that nights when i wear a particularly special pair because i think im going to get some i don't get none.

Zen Wizard said...

Lucky underwear--hmmm--we can count out the ones with the brown racing stripe...

I used to go out with this girl that positively WOULD NOT DO YOU if you had on white briefs, because of the "reminds me of my dad"-effect.

Your underwear did not have to be Versace or anything like that. It could be navy blue. It just could not be white.

My FAVORITE underwear are Hanes boxer/briefs.

Like Einstein had 5 of the same steel gray suits, they give you one less thing to think about in the morning, i.e., the "Boxers vs. Briefs"-Dilemma. Then you can concentrate on greater issues that plaque mankind--like why were there 2 Darren's on "Bewitched"? And why were they both named, "Dick"?

I would say the luckiest "lucky underwear" would be a jockstrap--you would be pretty sure that no matter what else happens that day, you would not get a hernia.

On the other hand, if you tried to cut a Stealth Ninja Fart and it was a juicer, there would be absolutely nothing between your asshole and your dress slacks...

So what is the luckiest underwear? What undergarment accords the wearer with the Luck of the Irish?

Gentlemen, I offer you...THE CELTIC SHIELD....

josh williams said...

I favor the boxer briefs, I buy socks using the Einstein philosphy for everyday work, another drawer is for my get crazy socks.
I had a dryer that I traded a friend two cases of New Castle Brown Ale for and it kinda worked, if you ran it for about six hours then your clothes would be dry, however this beast began to make noise and then it began catching garments T Shirts but mostly underwear, and twist them around until there was a whole guaranteed every dry cycle. So I put this dryer out on my drive for the salvage roamers to score on and they did, one day. However now I have all these pristine briefs with holes in them, not from wear but from a barter gone wrong.
I suppose my unluckist pair of boxer briefs are the Nike brand which has the little tag in the front instead of the rear so if I happen upon them on a particularly foggy morning I am forced to wonder why they fit so poorly and then remember, oh! Nike God bless them thought outside of the box and put the telltale tag on the front so I would start my day off feeling like I was not smart enough to dress myself. No more Nikes for JW

The Charming Hedonist said...

I have to admit Doc, I don't keep holey undies. Much like Jersey, I could go months without washing undies and not exhaust my clean supply. Besides, I usually go without.

J Morgetron said...

When the going gets tough in Morgyland ... Morgy goes commando. (I am Morgy in case my third person ramblings confuse you.)

PS: I must be reader numero ocho, which is wonderful because THAT is my lucky number.

logorrheic. said...

i'm with the charming hedonist. i don't keep mine around long enough to tell if they're lucky.

or maybe that's the problem!

but i'm a boyshorts girl through and through.

Falwless said...

I'm pretty sure I like this blog, though I am terrible at making decisions about my feelings.

So, just to be safe, I'll be back. Thanks in advance for properly entertaining me.

Just Wandering... said...

Ditto to the stockpiling. I probably could have a whole closet dedicated to underwear.

Geez, and I often wonder where my paycheck goes! oops

Drunken Chud said...

i have one pair of undies. some jockey boxer brief shit that i used to wear when i'd have to go to the doc's to get my knee injections. other than that, i haven't worn draws in well over a decade. here's to freedom boys. here's to freedom.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Knockers: What's awesome is that you held onto them. That's something I would do, cause you never know.

Jers-Jovey: Is your name in reference to Bon Jovi, who is from New Jersey? That's a shit-ton of panties.

Zen: I thought when someone said "racing stripe," they said "raisin stripe." It still kind of makes sense. Stealth ninja jock strap fart? Brilliant.

Josh: Your story reminds me of a tale that a friend of mine told. It's worthy of it's own blog, but maybe just worthy of being told in the comment section. So my buddy had a crack head baseball coach as a kid, and he always had 3 holes in all his shirts, always in the same places. Rumor has it, the guy is doing his laundry, and drop 3 hot crack rocks onto his folded shirts, and they burned right through. True story. Perhaps.

Hedon: Have you met Chud? He's a free baller.

Morg: Thanks for coming by. That's not an option for me. Wearing leather pants with no undies is on my to do list, and I'm running out of time for that to be at all sexy.

Log: LOVE the boy shorts. I'm glad they're en vogue. Wife beats too. Both? Forget about it.

Flaw: Thanks, and I understand your uncertainty.

Wanderer: You've squandered your check on undies again, you saucy wench!

Chud: Chuddy is hanging out with his wang out. Awesome. Speaking of freedom, I'm having a 4th of July party tomorrow, and I wish the Chud be there getting tanked and sabotaging the music with really long, crappy songs.

Inchy said...

I have a pair of novelty Homer Simpson y-fronts that my mother bought me last Christmas. Now these were meant to be a humorous gift as I only ever wear boxer shorts . . .

. . . but they are very comfortable, and 'cup' you in all the right places . . . ssshhhh, don't tell!

JerseySjov said...

no, my name is not a reference to bon jovi, it's a reference to the state that i'm from and my own name.

pistols at dawn said...

I don't have any lucky underwear, but the concept of "sex underwear" is well known to both women and men, for those nights when people might actually see you in said underwear. I did have one pair of holey boxers, made so when an ex's dog tore the important part out (not when I was wearing them, thank God), and I had a sentimental attachment to them. That lasted a year or so, when I realized boxers and memories of women are both easily replaceable.

Sassy Blondie said...

I also have quite a stockpile of good undies...including some emergency granny panties. However, being the earth-friendly, environmentally conscious gal I am, I use my old holies as rags once they get holes. Victoria's Secret has no idea they offer fancy dishrags...

Jake Titus said...

I'm a married guy. I have discovered that I no longer have any old shit. Not by my choice but rather my wife's. Apparently women have an unspoken right to throw a guys old crap out when they tie the knot. I was unaware of this at the time I elected to change my bachelor title. I do wish that I could share a disintegrating briefs story but alas I cannot. Great post. Please let me add that I am slightly disturbed that Sassy washes her dishes with old chonies.

Sabina said...

I also have upwards of fifty or sixty pairs of underwear, but I often find I'm wearing the ugliest ones when I'm about to get lucky. Wearing sexy underwear and going home alone is kind of like carrying around an umbrella all day to ensure it won't rain. Even luckier than ugly underwear, though, is the fact that once you know you're going to go home with someone, you can stop off in the restroom and take the underwear off, so you're going commando. Voila!

Sassy Blondie said...

Jake! I WASH them first...jeez!

Grant Miller said...

This blog has always impressed me with its tremendous class and style. Well done.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Underwear is so confining. My boys prefer ventilation and room to roam.

BTW, I'm going to Sassy's house and licking her plates.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Inchy: Your secret is safe with me, and the other 18 commenters.

Jov: Sure it is. You're the fan club president. Don't lie.

Pistols: The boxers probably made you miss the dog more than her, by the sound of it.

Sassy: Make sure you read Dykerson's comment if you come back. hahhahaha

Jake: Chicks do throw all your stuff, man! I've lost a lot of good shirts that way. That's why I'm real firm about that now. I NEED those 12 Chicago Sport and Social shirts!

Sabina: I don't think I'd ever get lucky when I go commando, especially if the bar is hot and there's dancing. I just don't feel sexy with the swass.

Sassy: You better!

Grant: I like to think that was the classiest underwear post around.

Mighty: Hahahhahahahha! Awesome.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Seriously I ran out of underwear like 2 weeks ago and since then I've just been going to Target and buying packs of new Hanes just to avoid doing laundry. I'm such a lazy bastard :(

radioactive girl said...

I guess I didn't read the marriage handbook. I had no idea I was allowed to throw away all his crap that I don't like. My husband has 5 entire drawers full of t-shirts and underwear. He doesn't wear more than half of what he has, but doesn't throw it away. I don't question it because I bet I do some weird shit that he doesn't get also.

Grad School Reject said...

With regards to the Underoos picture - I had a pair of "The Flash" underoos that were my favorites when I was 4. My mom took them away when I took off on the hard wood floor - while wearing socks (cause I was the Flash) - and ended up with a broken finger. That was the last time I wore those drawers.

Kadonkadonk said...

Fuck, if they're that bad, just go commando.

And PS - your playlist doesn't keep playing when people click on the comment link because your comment page is an entirely new page. Just make it a pop-up and your music will keep playing, yo.

Jenni said...

I haven't wore underwear for four days...I'm on vacation! WHOOT!

However when I do wear them I always make sure they are acceptable. You never know when you are going to get in a tragic accident and many of those EMT's are just too darn sexy to risk it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

360: how r u doing on socks?

girl: u sound like a quality wife. let him keep that shit.

GSR: Okay, that was the cutest story EVER! You're the Flash of the blogging world. You should get the underoos back!

Jenni: Well, God forbid, if you get in an accident while going commando, you best keep a clean house down there, if you catch my drift. You'd hate for those hunky EMT's to get a look at a thicket of a tuft.

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