Friday, June 19, 2009

2 Quick Things: Poop Precautions and General Suckiness

THE FIRST THING

There are some expressions that we use to remember certain things to get us through life:
1. Look both ways before crossing the street
2. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.*
3. You have to know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, and walk away. And don't count your money at the table, because as Kenny Rogers once said, that kind of greedy shit amongst friends and strangers alike is bound to get you an ass whippin'.

One that should be added to this list, I think, is don't ever start pooing without first checking to see that there is toilet paper readily available. We need a good expression for that reminder. It sounds like something that should be such an obvious precaution, that we shouldn't need a catchy phrase, right? Everyone should have an instinct to avoid finding themselves with a dirty ass and nowhere to turn. One would think it would be clear to most anyone. One would think . . .

AND THE SECOND THING


Friends and I were talking about a real dork. We're talking a virtual tool shed of a man that you can't even stand to talk to. The kind of a guy where he walks into a party, and you say, "Awww, fuck! So-and-so is here. I'm either going to have to leave this place or kill myself with a corkscrew." As we discussed this guy's outright crappiness, someone said, "That guy sucks." I busted out laughing because is there anything worse to say about someone? I'd rather have someone say, "That Gancer is an asshole." Asshole I can deal with. To say someone sucks is to say that they don't necessarily suck at anything in particular, basketball, croquet, or anything else, they just suck in general, in summation. It's so final.

Leave me a comment, Seven Readers, because you don't suck, and due to your foresight and lack of need for catchy phrases, you all have sparkling clean anuses.

__________________________________________

*That one actually has been disproved by most experts (read drunks) because what really matters is how much booze you pour down your esophagus, not the order in which they go in. Either way, if too much goes in there, it's going to come back out. The only thing does make the expression hold true is that if you have 7 or 8 beers in you, you may be pouring in hard liquor without knowing how much you're really boozing. Then again, if you have 3 or 4 cocktails in you, you may throw back beers like they're water. No, I was right the first time: it's a dumb concept.

13 comments:

JerseySjov said...

actually your body metabolizes liquor differently if youve already ingested beer. the worse hangover you get is, however, more easily attributed to the quantity of boozes in you.
this message brought to you by the letter drunk, and me still in bed hungover at 7:30 pm.

ill come back later with some ass phrases.

Anonymous said...

Okay, this one had me laughing. I would SO much rather be called a "bitch" than to have people think I suck!

Oh, and don't pinch without the paper?

Heff said...

I was about to debunk the beer/liqour myth myself.

"BEFORE YOU SIT TO WAIL, MAKE SURE THERE'S CHARMIN FOR YOUR TAIL".

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: Still waiting on those ass phrases . . .

Anon: I like the pinching line . . .

Heff: There's only one way to disprove that one: Drink 5 mixed drinks then 5 beers on two different nights, switching the order, and recording the results. I think you are up for the task, perhaps during Butlik band rehearsals

Zen Wizard said...

If someone says you are an asshole, at least they are saying you have a distinctive personality.

Also, on a Freudian level, when they say you are an asshole, they could either mean anal retentive or anal expulsive.

Anal retentive can almost be a compliment: When shopping for an accountant, you will pay big bucks for an anal retentive "asshole."

What do we exactly mean when we say somebody "sucks"?

I think we mean they drain the very joie de vivre that was once at the party, and leave the room worse off for having entered it, like a black hole in the universe.

So as we can see, it is better to be an asshole than to "suck."

The Charming Hedonist said...

I don't even know the guy and I understand exactly how awful he is because of the "that guy sucks" phrase.

And really, don't kill yourself with a corkscrew. It's hard to clean the blood off because it's all corkscrew-y. You don't want people saying "We couldn't use the corkscrew to open the wine because that guy killed himself with it... That guy sucks."

BeckEye said...

"Beer before liquor..." hasn't failed me yet. Unfortunately, that rhyme needs a section for what happens if you drink beer and liquor simultaneously.

As for a poopy rhyme, how about...

Check the roll before emptying your hole?

Don't pop a squat unless there's paper by the pot?

Mr. Shife said...

Before you drop a deuce make sure the toilet paper roll has not been a victim of paper abuse.

If you are taking a dump make sure the toilet paper roll is nice and plump.

Toilet paper must be legit before you sit and take a shit.

That's all I got. I need to drink heavily before I can give you anything worthwhile.

Jenni said...

Strange, I had the almost exact same conversation with Josh regarding my derelict neighbor. I believe my exact quote was "Baby daddy sucks."

And he does suck. He's a freeloading douche bag who mooches off his parents, while living at home with his on again off again girlfriend and their kid. When he's not inside practicing his unconstructivness he's shooting baby animals out of trees with his bb gun.

Loser.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Zen: Always insightful. Some angles I hadn't considered.

Charm: Quite true. I'd hat to have people say that about me for ruining the party, especially if I didn't get the job done and walked around with the corkscrew in my head all night.

Beck: Emptying your hole?! Hahahha

Shife: 3 very quality phrases. Hat's off to you, sir!

Jenni: Have you blogged about this fella?

Drunken Chud said...

beer before liquor: shit paper.

liquor before beer: shit paper.

a bird in the hand is worth shit paper.

of course the one that just hit me:

more than a pee pee? check for TP.

why did the chicken cross the road? to check for shit paper.

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Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: More than a pee pee, check for TP. Brilliant! I would expect nothing less.