Saturday, November 21, 2015


I played paintball one time and one time only for a bachelor party a number of years ago, and the one thing I learned is this: Firepower matters. Our group used the rental guns which released paintball capsules kind of fast. I guess it could have been considered semi automatic. We had to play against other random people outside of our group who brought their fully automatic weapons. There really is no comparison.

One guy was wearing a hockey jersey that said "Starchild" on the back, and this dude's weapon sprayed everywhere. And I mean everywhere. When this guy lit you up, you looked like someone took one of those paint rollers and covered you head to toe, not missing a single inch. Star Child was a shorter Caucasian man who looked not unlike Wayne from "Wayne's World," which shouldn't come as a surprise considering this was in Suburban Illinois not too far from Wayne's home of Aurora. ]

I have some questions that I never got answered. 

1. How much do you suppose a weapon of that caliber costs?

2. Where is the sport in just holding down a trigger and hosing down the entire room?

3. Was that the top of the line back then, and how far has paintball technology advanced since Star Child's hey day (which was around 2001)? I seriously can't imagine a more dominant weapon on the market.

4. Just why in the hell does he call himself Starchild? Is it a reference to Parliament/Funkadelic, Paul Stanley from Kiss, "2001: A Space Odyssey" or none of the above? Or maybe just his own thing, like it came to him in a paintball dream of some kind . . .

This diaper dandy?
This KISS'ing bandit?

Or this adorable rascal with his consciousness? Or maybe a reference NOT from the 1970's like all of mine.

5. Do you think he has an entire star fleet of star children by now? Have I put way too much thought into this? I highly doubt Starchild has had a day recently where he wondered where the guy is that ducked down too fast to avoid a paintball from across the room, hit his rear end on a pipe, badly bruised his own ass, and had to sit the rest of the day out.


If you have answers to any of these questions or just want to say hello, blow me up like a Starchild buckshot in the comments. 


Exile on Pain Street said...

Does it hurt to get shot with a painball? I've always imagined it being a pretty unpleasant experience. I have an astonishingly low threshold for pain, which is why I played. It looks like suffering disguised as fun.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Which is why I *never* played. Just to be clear.

billy pilgrim said...

sounds like fun if played with the correct amount of alcohol. of course that can be said of almost any activity. i really miss those days.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I wish you had ambushed the guy. Firepower doesn't help if you get ambushed. If you'd fired a lot of red paint into his balls and ass he might have been too embarrassed to continue. If he's studied astrophysics, he would know that all life is composed of elements created during supernovae, making all of us 'star children'.

Mr. Shife said...

I have no answers to your questions but I did want to say hello. Hope you and Mrs. Noisewater had a a good Thanksgiving. Take care buddy.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Exile: You want to wear jeans and a couple layers on top. It would hurt for sure on exposed skin. But not as bad as rapidly sitting on an exposed pipe.

Billy: More booze makes that and most anything else a little more fun. But I could see some bad ideas happening with too much of "the sauce."

Gorilla: He didn't look like the astro physicist type, but looks can be deceiving. I should have shot him in the balls between rounds. You're so right.

Shife: It was splendid. Just wrote a blog (finally) about it. Hope yours was swell too!

Jimmy Fungus said...

I think Starchild was most likely a KISS reference being that Wayne Campbell probably listens to KISS. That's not really fair that you would be allowed to bring your own superior paint guns, that is sort of like when the U.S. marines invaded Grenada.. or maybe like a featherweight boxer being told he has to fight one of the Klitschko brothers.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jimmy: I'm with you on the guy bringing the superior fire power. He was mowing our asses down. There wasn't a dry spot on any of his opponents. Fuck the Star Child . . .