Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Babies Spinning Plates? Yeah, I Lost My Mind.

I was out to dinner with some friends who I haven't seen in a long time, and to be honest, I barely know their wives. Some of them I hadn't even met before that night. That's how long it had been - they had met women, gotten married, and had children since last I had seen them in person. I think the last time I saw these buddies of mine was the last time I published a blog on this site. That was a joke.

The night was like this. Only in color and with slightly more casual attire.
I was kind of struggling with conversation to make because a couple of the guys that I really wanted to catch up with were way on the other end of a table of around 12 people. One couple was simultaneously checking their baby monitors on their phones as they sat down. I don't have kids yet, so I guess I can't say that I won't do the same thing, but isn't that being a little paranoid? I mean, what could you possibly see on that screen that would freak you out enough to rush home or to the telephone? I asked if the baby was doing anything cool on the screen, like juggling, or maybe spinning some plates like on an old Ed Sullivan Show. I thought that was hilarious, just picturing a baby running back and forth keeping four or five plates spinning in his little crib with that standard plate spinning song heard in the clip below. Everyone spun plates to that song, right? Then I was saying it would be a real pisser if they saw their baby doing something miraculous like that on their phone and couldn't record it. Nobody would believe them.

Nobody thought that was funny. Why am I so damned weird?

(That's the song.)

(And that's a guy spinning plates on the Ed Sullivan Show. Don't know how in the hell I couldn't find a guy spinning plates to the actual song. I guess just play them both and hit mute on the second one if you want the full effect. Ah, to hell with it.)

Then some of the wives were talking about those damned "Housewives" shows where those crazy ladies demonstrate that they haven't evolved passed middle school and are mean and caddy and gossipy about one another. There are loads of respectable mothers out there that are more deserving of their own show to be a representative of a non psycho homemaker, and what's more, some of the women on the show have their own businesses. So they shouldn't they be offended to be called housewives?

Anyway, someone was talking about the God awful British one, and I just blurted out, "Oh, she is the worst. She used to be like the voice of reason on that show, but now she is meaner than all of them. She pries and asks deeply personal questions of everyone, and then uses that info against them. And she never admits she's wrong, which I especially hate." I realized that I had said too much. I had tipped them all off that I am a man that actually watches that crap. My wife will have it on, and I get sucked into it, proving that if I want to waste time - I will force myself to get interested in just about anything. And I have been wasting way too much time lately.

Here she is. She has miniature horses and swans and shit, and she's terrible.
When I blurted out how much I knew about a specific housewife and it was evident how passionate I was about hating her so, it was hilarious to all the women on my end of the table. I made them laugh on accident. The plate spinning babies wasn't at all funny, but I got a laugh one way or another.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Haha, Dr Ken, those wives must have thought you were quirky, and maybe a little sexy. Women always like men who can make them laugh, right? I'm not surprised they didn't find your baby gag funny, though - first-time parents take baby issues very seriously.

Exile on Pain Street said...

It's good that you didn't get to talk to those dudes. It would've been a crushing disappointment. Those guys you remember don't exist anymore. They're different animals. You wouldn't have found them any fun at all. Plus, they probably don't know a damn thing about the Housewives.

Mr. Shife said...

Oh Dr. Ken I do look forward to one day having a conversation with you in person. I think it would be quite interesting. I mean there's a reason why we are still blogging buddies after all these years. I totally get the checking the baby monitor thing every 2 minutes. Mrs. Shife and I were like that, and then we had another kid and then we realized those little people are pretty resilient. You just need to feed them and they should be OK. Well alright it's a little more involved than that but hopefully you get where I'm coming from. Have a good one.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorialla: You're right about the baby gag. That isn't funny if you are a first time parent and freaking out. I will probably be like that too and will tell smart-assed smug jerks like me to F off with their lame jokes. Nah, to hell with that. I'm funny. : )

Exile: One guy really was good to catch up with for a little while, but he seemed way too into his 8-year-old's traveling baseball team.

Shife: We'll have to get together some day, brother. I still say for a Cubs VS Cardinals game. Let's make that happen.

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