Friday, February 19, 2016

The Man Dilator

I just had an idea.

They say that child birth is one of the most excruciating experiences a human being can experience. It has been said that if the human brain could perfectly remember pain, then no one would get pregnant a second time on purpose.

I was trying to think how men could better empathize with their partners, and I have come up with the notion of a testicle squeezing device that would clamp down harder in accordance with the howls that the woman lets out during the labor. Now, this contraption would have to be tested to make sure the squeezing wouldn't cause any permanent testicular damage - just enough to really hurt. I don't believe in animal experimentation, so maybe some broke college students could sign up to have their nuts squeezed to oblivion for a little extra beer money.

As soon as it has been thoroughly tested and the lawsuits by those annoying high voiced college kids have been settled up, thousands of men could plug in their Man Dilators, hold their lover's hand, and the two of them could go through the whole beautiful nightmare experience together. When it's finally over and their baby comes out, the two of them will be so relieved that the pain is over!

"We got a new baby boy!"

Yes, and more importantly, the clamps of death will come off my nuts!"

And he will be thinking, "Let's never do this again," so a byproduct of this could be a means of population control. You want to sire eight kids to show what a badass you are? Well, let's see what kind of tough guy you really are when you feel those first few squeezes.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Does this idea have legs, or have I lost my damn mind again?

Wait, should it be the same general idea only the device gradually stretches the man's butt hole? Would that be more congruent?


Gorilla Bananas said...

The butthole idea is more akin to childbirth. The doctor sticks a grapefruit up your butt and you have to shit it out while your wife is in labour. Squeezing the nuts is just torture without producing anything.

There was a recent case in the UK of a pregnant woman who thought she was constipated giving birth in a toilet. Copy and paste the web address below:

Exile on Pain Street said...

Have you lost your mind? What a dark place to go. First of all, women have a much greater tolerance for pain than men do. It's a FACT. Second of all, why do you feel the need to empathize? I don't want to empathize! I watched my wife deliver two children. I was happy to be there to support her (even though she yelled at me to 'shut up' when I whispered encouragement in her ear.) But at no time did I ever thin, "Gee, I sure wish I could share in her pain so she could see how much I love her." Whose side are you on?

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: I think a grapefruit is fair. It's a deal.

Exile: Of course I have lost my mind, but if you think anything I say on here is serious, then you've lost yours.