Saturday, April 16, 2016

People who are having kids these days want to watch Youtube a lot. And since those types of people need to watch videos to figure things out, a lot of them click on weekly videos of what pregnancy is like every seven days. When you watch one of these clips you hear about all the changes a woman goes through at that time, but what I take away most is what the energetic female hostess leads with each and every time: what sized fruit or vegetable he/she is at that point.  And to be honest, after a while they start running out of fruits and vegetables that you and I have ever cooked with or even heard of.

It's not what parts of the little person has formed: the fingernails, toes, and elbows that are morphing over time, but how big a piece of produce is that little bastard. That's what we want to know. But I'm a child of the 1980's with a terrible diet, so what do I care about Asian pears and rutabegas? No! You got to give it to me in terms that I understand; Just how big an action figure are we talking here? Is he the size of Snake Eyes or is he a fully formed Devastator?

And come to think of it, Snake Eyes Noisewater has a nice ring to it . . . 

Yes. My wife's pregnant, and that's why I've not been blogging at all. I got a lot of big questions. Where am I going to get the money to raise this kiddo? And how big is this baby in terms of childhood toys? It's all a mystery and an adventure . . .


Vapid Vixen said...

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! Secondly, I think you're on to something with this whole sizing thing. Bring in some Strawberry Shortcake dolls and I'm all about it.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Wow. That's heavy. I won't tell you ANYTHING that's in store for you. I wouldn't want to ruin all the cool surprises. Heh. One small bit of advice: don't look at the placenta. And, congrats.

Mr. Shife said...

Congrats. I can't wait to send Starscream a Cardinals onesie. Dude, the questions have just begun. Enjoy the ride. my friend. I'm very excited for you and Mrs. Noisewater. Look forward to hearing all about it. I'm not going to lie and tell you it's a-fucking-awesome all the time, but it is indeed one of the greatest things ever and you are going to be a great Dad. Even though you will raise them to be a fan of the Cubs. =)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never doubted this would happen! Didn't you say "There will be babies!" in a previous blog about about your missus? I think it needs to weigh as much as a watermelon before popping out.

The Grand Wave said...

Super congrats on the kiddo duder. That's some amazing news. I hope you and the Mrs. have a happy and healthy first-born.

However, I came to discuss another matter. Today, when typing in this web address, I typed instead of the actual address. Oh wow. Not your blog at all. I'm just going to let you check it out and not spoil it. All I have to say is that it is a basket overflowing with crazy. Hope all is well.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Vapid: Good point. I would have to mix in some Rainbow Bright and the like for the ladies.

Exile: Look away when the placenta tries to make an appearance. Wow. Now THAT is advice I haven't heard yet. Thanks! I'll run to the snack machine for a Butterfinger when that part happens.

Shife: Starscream Voltron Noisewater will be a CUBS fan. Make no mistake. Thanks, buddy.

Gorilla: I believe it was "there will be sex," but you know. One leads to the other sometimes.

Wave: Glad you're still typing me in there, and I can't wait to see what craziness my imposter has to offer!

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