Sunday, December 03, 2017

Senseless Updates

1. So this morning Mrs. Noisewater wanted to get some things done in the house, and it's hard when she has Baby Noisewater following her around like a puppy dog. So, she convinced me to take him out of the house and out of her hair. On the way to the park we found $30 on the ground! Score! If she hadn't talked us into going out, I would have laid around in my pajamas watching The Punisher and scratching my daddy parts. And while I'm excellent at that, I would have made $0 doing that. I thought about putting that into Baby Noisewater's savings account, and then I got thinking that I could put a little money every paycheck into that account so that he can go to college, or clown school, or male exotic dancer school, or whatever his dream may be. I figure that's going to cost a little more than I can afford from scavenging for cash on the sidewalk. 

Blood sucking scum bag leech televangelists like Joel make Baby Noisewater cry.  He's trying to change the channel or fling poo at him.
2. Speaking of money, we are saving to buy a place to live in this Summer. I'm 40-years-old, going on 41, and I've been renting my whole life. That's pretty bad, right? I need to grow up at some point and stop handing all my money to landlords. Right when I'm really doing good at packing some dough away and just paid off my car, I get hit with an insane dental bill. I don't know if you know this about me, but I grind the holy hell out of my teeth every night. My store bought mouth guards that I pop in after brushing my teeth at night are no match for the psychopathic, destructive, and costly gnashing my powerful jaw engages in each and every evening. Turns out I have taken away all the enamel on two of my molars. The dentist was putting pictures up on the monitor, and there are just giant yellow craters where that white enamel is supposed to be. Hard to look at. I actually had to say, "Doc, if you think showing me this is for my benefit, I'll just take a pass. I trust your judgement that my teeth are totally fucked. I can't look at this anymore." 

I sometimes think of Balsac "The Jaws of Death" from Gwar when I imagine the grinding.
Putting crowns on these suckers is expensive as hell, and dental insurance, while good for everyday cleanings, really doesn't do a whole lot for you with big jobs like this one. Doesn't it always seem the way that right when you're thinking to yourself that your finances are getting in order, that's when you get hit with some crappola like this? I'm going to avoid driving Latifah (that's my car's pet name) because I just know she's due for a major procedure of her own that will bury me further.

3. In these times of someone new being outed every week as a sexual harasser or sexual predator, it has us all wondering who will be next. I was watching Sesame Street with Baby Noisewater the other day, and during Elmo's World I got thinking how the original voice of Elmo got busted having inappropriate relations with young boys. However, Mr. Noodle seemed to be in the clear in all of this. I texted out to a couple friends that a funny headline for an article in The Onion would be:

"America is shocked that Mr. Noodle still hasn't diddled any kids."

I got one of those kid parties I didn't know I had to go to until a few hours ago, and Mrs. and Baby Noisewater will both be up from their nap soon. So, I'm going to cut this blog update off now before it gets any crazier. Hope everyone is doing super. And don't forget to stop and smell the roses and look on the ground for dropped cash. 

I'm sure he's a very nice man . . . 

8 comments:

mistress maddie said...

I've had some bad experiences with wandering Mr Noodles. It's a tad tiring. But agree...makes one wonder will anyone be left in Hollywood?

LL Cool Joe said...

You wait until you need an implant, I was told by my dentist that they ONLY cost £4,000. That's $5,375, yep that's all and I need 2. I'm not sure what's going to be more painful, them drilling a hole into my jaw and having a screw twisted into the bone, or paying for it.

peppylady (Dora) said...

Hello Mr N. Stop over from Billy and talki about nap I end up taking mid morning one today.
If you fine the time stop in for a cup of coffe

Exile on Pain Street said...

What you SHOULD'VE done is put that money in his account and then withdrew it a week later and spent it on some craft beer. That'd teach him a valuable lesson.

If your teeth get crowns, does that make them royalty?

E. Rosewater said...

i have a real love/hate relationship with my teeth. i once lost a crown while eating stale ju jubes at a movie. (the lord of the rings)

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mistress: Beware a wandering noodle! HaHAHHAHHAhahhaa

L.L.: Sweet sassy molassey! I do not want implants if they cost that much. God willing this is the last of the dental bills for a while.

Peppy: Nice to see a new face in here. I'll be sure to pop by your page for a visit.

Exile: Which lesson is that? Daddy is going to drink away your college fund every time? Haha. Love it.

Rosie: Oh my God. I haven't even thought of losing one of those suckers. That's bull crap after all I'm paying for them. I'm only eating yogurt from here on out.

Mr. Shife said...

Good to see the blog updated, Dr. Ken. I guess you and Baby Noisewater will have to go on more adventures to find money to pay for that dental bill. It seems like forever but it wasn't that long ago when Kyle and I would watch Elmo together. I was always a fan of Mr. Noodle because my mom had a crush on the actor. Not sure why but some things are left best unanswered.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: WOW! Mrs Shife had the hots for Mr. Noodle. Funny, I never remember him edging out Clooney for Sexiest Man Alive back in the 1990's, but my memory is a little hazy from too much Kris Kross and whip-its.