Wednesday, March 28, 2018

I feel like I can level with you people. Some of you I have known for over ten years. This is why I think I can come clean and let you know that I have been having major league ass problems. It got to the point where I was dreading every time I had to go number two because it was like pooping shards of hot glass, and that's no picnic - let me tell you. Pretty soon it started hurting when I was sitting down. I remember a long conference I had to sit through where I opted to stand up for the majority of it. Many probably speculated I was having back or knee issues. Nope. Try Major. League. Ass. Problems. Then other nights it would hurt when I was lying on my back trying to sleep. That is when I knew this thing was serious and wasn't going away.

Turns out I had what is called an anal fissure, or a small tear in the lining of the anus. You can read all about it this particularly nasty affliction with the link provided if you want, but I think I can best sum it up this way: You don't want it. I got a friend to watch Baby Noisewater while I went to the doctor because at 1 and a half years old, he is getting a little too old to be in the same room seeing a man peering into and probing around his daddy's butthole. I would hate later in his life for someone to ask what his first memory was and that to be his answer.

I like my butt doctor. I figure you have to be a guy with a good sense of humor, and someone who can  easily put someone at ease because patients coming in there, if they're anything like me, are scared and miserable. He asked me to get in one of those robes and he would be right back. I asked if I could clean house a little back there before he was going to be taking a look, and he said, "Honestly, it's an occupational hazard at this point. You wouldn't clean the trash cans before the garbage man came, would you?" I really do like this fella. If you need a butt guy, I know the guy.

So the procedure he recommended is injecting botox into my anus. That's right, friends. I had botox done. I asked if they could use any remaining botox and squirt a little into my forehead, with a different needle of course. You never go ass to forehead. They couldn't do that for me. But, I will say that when everything starts to get old and wrinkly on me, my anus will remain pulled tight and smooth all around like the highest quality imported, Italian leather.

Believe it or not, one has to be put under for this procedure. I remember being wheeled into the surgery room, and one lady saying,

"Whoah! Almost forgot (insert major important term I've forgotten here). Jeez. Hello! Haha."

And then,

"Okay, Mr. Noisewater. Now count down from 10 . . ."

I remember thinking:

"No! Wait! I don't think this gal is functioning at her Sunday best today if she is forgetting things. And she thinks it's funny? This is my ass we're talking about here! Can I get someone else up in here. I'm so sleepy . . ."

Is this problem I have been dealing with any excuse for taking a month off of blogging? No. Not at all. I could have typed standing up just fine. I'll get back in the game more regularly because this was helpful getting this off my chest and sharing this embarrASSing situation with you fine folks. Gotta run. I'm on a vacation from work, spending time with Baby Noisewater all week, and we have a music class in a minute. I keep him very active and engaged, so I'm grateful to have this rear end issue all straightened out. Take care of your butts, my friends.


mistress maddie said...

Well glad your on the mend at least. I have heard of this. My straight friends hate getting any ads procedures done, but know they must. So when they talk to me, there like how do you take a cock up the ass!?!?! I always say find a shoe to bite on. As series as your pain is, this post had me cracking up because the way you tell it.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mistress: I was listening to Howard Stern today, and they had a guy saying the gradual process of doing butt-stuff in the bedroom. You got to build up to it. I think a lot of people think that gay dudes just one day decide to cram in the biggest thing in the world. It's a process. Glad you had a laugh today. I always like to see you come by.

mistress maddie said...

You always manage to crack me up! Funny you say work up to it. My first experience was with a guy I dated for 6 months and was 9 1/2" . Yeah.....ouch! I though I was then going to have a career as a opera singer. That hard lesson taught me to be versatile for sure!!!!

Meanwhile I can't tell you how many time I watch the baby Noisewater video with the socks. It's too funny.

LL Cool Joe said...

Botox up your arse seems like a complete waste, but if it does the job great. And thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

Jimmy Fungus said...

Kinda sounds like the problem is in the hemorrhoid family or at least a related problem. Injecting botox sounds extreme to me but I guess he's a doctor, hopefully he's not giving you bum advice (no pun intended). I remember having the worst case of hemorrhoids ever... what helped tremendously was taking Vitamin C. Now I also eat a lot of granola bars.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mistress: Your first fella brought a lot of lumber to the party. Split the poor Mistress like a Thanksgiving turkey. Sorry, I'm gross.

LL: Glad you enjoyed, dude. Sorry about what you have going on, and glad I could bring a smile to your day. Though my butt.

Jimmy: Hemorrhoids are like varicose veins in the butt. A fissure is a tear up in there. I trust my butt guy. I have been crushing fiber like crazy. I knock back more in a day than all 4 Golden Girls.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Anal Fissure is the name of my old punk band.

This post made my sphincter clench. NO FUN. Do you have to sit on a donut?

Kono said...

Botox in the buckeye!!! That now gives you the right to parade around in thongs does it not? I mean all that work you've had done you should show it off and be proud, when someone asks you can say, "yeah, i've had a little botox down there, keeps my ass looking young and healthy."

Of course that does sound a bit awful but at least your ass is on the mend!!

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Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kono: I had secretly hoped that it would tighten things up in the whole ass region, cheeks included, maybe fill a divot or two. This was not the case.

Science. Thanks. I'll pop by your site for a visit.