We were hanging out back at a friend's place after a long night of nudey photo hunt and karaoke, and one female friend of ours showed us a special talent: She can queef (or vart if you prefer) on demand. She lied down on the floor, and you could hear her sucking the air into her hooha, and then expeling it immediately with a rather loud queef. She could do this at a rate of one a second for as long as she wants or until we got bored of it, which we didn't. One guy even stuck his head down there (she was fully clothed) and listened closely as she queefed directly into his face, and then he laughed like an idiot, which was making me laugh uncontrollably.

It's just the type of night I needed.

Varts

I need to discuss a very sensitive topic today. It is a phenomenon that has baffled scientists for years, but made many of these scientists giggle uncontrollably. I'm talking, of course, about queefing. Here's a definition I got off of wikipedia:

Queef (flatus vaginalis in Latin) is an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina, often during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) other sexual acts, stretching or exercise. The sound is somewhat comparable to flatulence from the anus but does not involve waste gases and thus often has no specific odor associated.

WAIT, stretching and other exercise? Ladies, does that really happen??! How embarrassing! So, a really tough yoga stretch can induce a whopper queef? That would really mess up everyone's concentration. Speaking of which, it can really mess up one's concentration when one is doing the old "in-out-in-out." It's a terrible time to laugh, because it seems like it always happens when I'm doing something right, perhaps due to the amount of pressure, I'm not sure, but it's always all I can do to hold it together without laughing. I mean, when I got a real good stroke down I don't want to kill the mood by laughing, but come on, farts out of a vagina is a damn, funny concept.

I must admit, I have a little queef envy. I mean, yeah, I can pee standing up effectively with my sex organ, but I can't fart out of it. How sad. Hey, readers, please address at least one of these items:

1. Whether it's physiologically possible or not, what should we call a fart out of a penis?
2. British and Australian readers, I just read on Wikipedia that you all call queefs "fanny farts." Fact? Also, I've heard them referred to as "varts." That's what I'll be calling them henceforth, as the title would indicate.
3. This is more of a warning than a topic, but don't ever blow into a woman's vagina to induce a queef, as awesome as that idea may sound. Evidently it can be life threatening for a woman and her baby if she's pregnant.
4. Tell me a funny vart story.
5. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be shooting air up my dick-hole with a turkey baster. Sure it's risky, but this is science, damn it.

Sincererly,

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

Double Stream

Women, did you or did you not know this fact: Sometimes when men pee, usually after sex, his stream of urine splits into two streams.

Don't ask me how it came up, but some friends and I were talking about this phenomenon the other night. During that conversation, and in my limited research afterwards, what I've found is that women typically aren't privy to this little bit of penis knowledge. It's a lot like the Shrinkage episode of Seinfeld, where George and Jerry ask Elaine if she knew that penises (or is it peni?) shrink up after being in cold water, so that they could gauge whether Jerry's girlfriend would think George was simply cold or hung like a seven-year-old.

The only time I've seen the Double Stream addressed in pop culture, my only source of information, let's face it, was in Me Myself and Irene when Jim Carey's character wakes up, takes a pee, and it sprays exaggeratedly sideways. Although it's not a double stream specifically, he says something to the effect of, "Why am I peeing like I've been having sex all night," because the character had a split personality and he didn't remember his actions while his alter ego was in control of his body. So, this scene does let women in on the fact that there is a correlation between too many, if there is such a thing, rounds of sex and its effect upon the male's stream of urine.

However, I think this isn't enough to get this sort of valuable information out to the masses, and here at the Gancer, the same site that gave you insightful information on the vart (queef), I'd like to ask my readers if they think it is a worthwhile endeavor to get the definition onto Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, or both, and what should the name of the condition be called, since Double Stream is a little obvious and blah? Your thoughts?