Monday, July 16, 2007

Varts

I need to discuss a very sensitive topic today. It is a phenomenon that has baffled scientists for years, but made many of these scientists giggle uncontrollably. I'm talking, of course, about queefing. Here's a definition I got off of wikipedia:

Queef (flatus vaginalis in Latin) is an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina, often during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) other sexual acts, stretching or exercise. The sound is somewhat comparable to flatulence from the anus but does not involve waste gases and thus often has no specific odor associated.

WAIT, stretching and other exercise? Ladies, does that really happen??! How embarrassing! So, a really tough yoga stretch can induce a whopper queef? That would really mess up everyone's concentration. Speaking of which, it can really mess up one's concentration when one is doing the old "in-out-in-out." It's a terrible time to laugh, because it seems like it always happens when I'm doing something right, perhaps due to the amount of pressure, I'm not sure, but it's always all I can do to hold it together without laughing. I mean, when I got a real good stroke down I don't want to kill the mood by laughing, but come on, farts out of a vagina is a damn, funny concept.

I must admit, I have a little queef envy. I mean, yeah, I can pee standing up effectively with my sex organ, but I can't fart out of it. How sad. Hey, readers, please address at least one of these items:

1. Whether it's physiologically possible or not, what should we call a fart out of a penis?
2. British and Australian readers, I just read on Wikipedia that you all call queefs "fanny farts." Fact? Also, I've heard them referred to as "varts." That's what I'll be calling them henceforth, as the title would indicate.
3. This is more of a warning than a topic, but don't ever blow into a woman's vagina to induce a queef, as awesome as that idea may sound. Evidently it can be life threatening for a woman and her baby if she's pregnant.
4. Tell me a funny vart story.
5. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be shooting air up my dick-hole with a turkey baster. Sure it's risky, but this is science, damn it.

Sincererly,

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

26 comments:

phishez_rule said...

All farts are funny farts. I know them to be called 'fanny farts'. Where we refer to the female genitalia as a fanny it makes heaps of sense. Might be an oxymoron for a yank though.

classyandfancy said...

Topic 1: My vote is for the man-kazoo.

Jenny! said...

Never blow in a vag! So dangerous! Varting has only happened after when there is a good amount of air in there! I think its funny, but so not attractive. If you were stretching, you would have to be doing some furious stretching to let in the air...but anythings possible!

mysterygirl! said...

Dammit, Dr. K! Why must you always write these posts that I struggle to comment on? How did you learn #3?

I think that one could get air up there any time she is contracting and releasing the muscles a lot, which can happen if she's also using her core and pelvic muscles to hold a yoga pose, such as something with her legs over her head-- then as you ease down, you'd relax the muscles and, um, release the air. I'm so terrified of the possibility of this happening to me that I won't do yoga or Pilates in a studio.

Alas, I have no funny story, and I can't think of a good word for it if it could happen to men. :( I'll keep thinking.

Mood Indigo said...

holly hell do NOT tell me I am the only one to have this happen to me at yoga!? And not once, not twice, but THREE times in one class. What can I say? I was a beginner, and this teacher was REALLY into the something-baby pose. Basically you lay on your back, bend your knees in the air and grab your toes and pull out. FUCKING EMBARASSING AS ALL HELL - and then, after it happened, she pulled out ANOTHER pose, the one where you lay on your back and stick your legs up straight on your shoulders and holy hell it happened again. After practicing yoga for another year, I finally learned what poses to avoid (or take extreme caution with), and of course never returned to that class!

Someone shoot me now. Damn you for giving me the perfect opportunity to share this with the world.

Fever Dog said...

I don't believe for a minute it is life threatening to blow into a lady's axe-wound. And it's not "funny farts" it's "fanny farts" -- because in Britain, fanny means your spazhole and not your arse.

Drunken Chud said...

the penis fart should be called "cockulence".

and seriously, reading the bit about fanny farts in the comments makes queen's "fat bottom girls" that much more off. "left alone with big fat fanny, she was such a naughty nanny..." that's just dirty.

Legaleagle said...

I second coculence.

As for funny vart stories: Really, isn't every sound made during sex a little funny? I think sex is hilarious. I just don't think it's hilarious that it's been "famine" around here lately......

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Phishez: Upon further review, it IS fanny farts, but funny farts is good too.

Classy: Man-Kazoo is fucking funny. Well done. See you at Built To Spill.

Jenny: Just scroll down, my friend. Mood Indigo queefed her way through a yoga class like it was going out of style.

Mystery: Avoid those poses in public, but I say fucking go for it in private. Get your vart on.

Mood: Big ups for you for sharing that!! You may earn your way back onto my blogroll.

Fever: Axe wound!??!!!?! Hahahhahahhahahahhaa! That made my day.

Chud: Cockulence???!?!!? Hahahhahahahhahahha. How about we combine you and Classy's: Man-kazoo-cockulence.

Legal: Sorry you have been sex and vart free. : (

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I can make fart noises with my armpits.

ADW said...

Ummm...
Schong + fart = Schlart

Best I've got today.

zen wizard said...

Is this really something males need to be concerned about?

I remember a burlesque theatre south of Ohio State in Columbus where the headline act's main schtick was a lasso, and--'ow you say--queefing.

I mean, if I am going down on Jessica Biel, and she cuts a pussy fart, I am not gonna say, "Ew! Now that was just GROSS! I am really going to need a moment to recover from that..."

In fact, if I am going down on Jessica Biel, she could gush a Niagra Falls-like gush of girl goo all over my face and I would just keep on doing what I was doing...

The problem comes in when you are muff-diving on a borderline skag--like, you sent a reconnaisance finger down there, and the little soldier survived to give you an "all systems go!" smell test.

Then, reluctantly, you go down on the borderline skag, but trepidatiously, mind you...

That is the only contingency where I could see that a subsequent queef could be a potential deal-breaker.

(Oh, and I think they call farts "parfs" in England.)

Kadonkadonk said...

Varts are hilarious! Are you telling me there are guys out there that don't laugh when they hear one? Or girls for that matter. If I was in a yoga class and some chick varted, I'd probably crap my pants I'd be laughing so hard! I'm pretty flexible and I've done yoga and that has NEVER happened. Sorry mood, but that sucks ass for you!

Sunshine McThunderkitty said...

The first time I heard the word 'queef' was in Dodgeball when Hoolihan says 'I love the smell of queef in the morning' - which apparently is incorrect as they are supposed to have no particular odour. But it still cracks me up.

Oh my god Zen Wizard! reconnaisance finger??!! I tell ya...I'm learning so much about men on this blog thing.

Julie_Gong said...

I knew a girl in college who could vart on cue. She would actually call people on the phone and vart into it. Good times...

RevRee said...

but I like when a guy blows "down there"

Seriously, I'm toying with my life whenever I ask him to blow?...

5 of 9er said...

I once went to party where a girl there told me she could queef on command. Really. She did it over and over. It was gross. I left the party.

Sassy Blondie said...

drsThis is why yoga is never a good idea. Ever.

And I agree with Legal Eagle: Sex IS funny! (And just plain fun too)

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mighty: Those are always fun. I like to do a nice, sloooooooow one.

AD: Schlart. It has a nice ring to it . . .

Zen: Wow. You are a wealth of knowledge on many a subject, varts included.

Kadonk: How would you know if it was a vart or a fart? They sound the same, in all fairness.

Sunshine: I think if a gal had a dank enough poonanny, a vart would blast that stank air outward, thus creating a smell.

Julie: I think I'd screen her calls . Wait, no, I'd listen. You have her number?

Rev: I think the kind of blowing that's dangerous is not the kind you're thinking of. I think the dangerous kind is when you try to hit a high note like Dizzy Gillespie.

Niner: That's the kind of party where I saddle up for the long haul.

Sassy: It's funny as hell, always. Especially when you have a non-stop, internal monologue going, like Dr. Ken.

Mr. Shife said...

I think penis farts should be called darts. Dick + farts = darts.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

I also knew someone in college who could queef on call. She'd suck the air up, and then let it out. Great party trick.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: Darts. Hmmmm.

Chuck: Amazing gals, those queef-on-comand-chicks.

The Daily Magnet said...

Hi Doctor, I just thought that I should let you know that it's like Jenny said, and if the fanny farts are happening when your bonking Ms Noisewater, then perhaps it isn't so flattering for you to talk about it - you know, the whole air-intake factor...

Airam said...

Just thought I'd let you know that I linked this post ... hope you don't mind! Let me know if you do and I'll de-link.

BottleBlonde said...

Varts. I blame them on the dog.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Daily: You mean when "YOU'RE boinking" with an apostrophe. If you're going to make an attempted jab at penis size, I'm going to bust you out on your poor grammar.

Airam: Link away!

Bottle: If my dog could vart I'd take her on the road.