Sunday, July 08, 2007

Cotton-Pickin' Weddings!!!!!!

There was a period of my life where it seemed as if I was going to a wedding every other weekend, and then I had a long, GREAT stretch of time where I went to zero weddings (except Bubba's). Unfortunately, during the month of July I have to attend three, one of which I went to last night with the quasi-girlfriend. Here are the highlights.

- The DJ/Music SUCKED! During dinner he played jazz, which would have been perfect, had it been Miles or Ella, but it was flipping elevator-music/waiting room jazz. I felt like I was waiting to get a tooth drilled, rather than waiting for a shitty steak. At one point in the night, a point in which I was rather drunk, he played Eyes Wide Open by Creed. Yes, terrible, awful, bible-thumping Creed. I just had to sing it in an exaggerated, over-enunciating way, a-la Scott Stap, which was good for some laughs. The only time the DJ redeemed himself is when he played The Gancer's requests: Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice and Poison by Belle Biv Devoe.

- I got horribly depressed. Okay, I guess that's not a highlight, but it was noteworthy to be sure. I was married once, and while the marriage sucked and ended in ruin, the wedding was beautiful and a great time. Also, I couldn't help but think that it was my only wedding, and if I do it again a big "to do" will just seem stupid. Could I really ask a bunch of those people to come back to a big wedding any time soon, when my last marriage only lasted 8 months? "Hey, come on back to Chicago and get me another gift! I'm sure I'll make it a year this time around!" The whole experience, and all the other marriages around me that seem to end in one or both party being completely shitty to the other, has led to my extremely cynical outlook on marriage, which makes it hard as hell to be happy and/or optimistic at weddings. Don't get me wrong, I don't bring people around me down, and I want to be happy for the brides and grooms I see and suspend my disbelief, but I just can't get myself there.

- The crowd kind of sucked. It seemed as if there were lots of boring, early-twenties people, kids, old people, etc, but very few people of any kind who liked to get piss drunk, which is a guest's civic duty at a wedding. It's impolite not to. What have these people's mothers taught them? The dance floor was only full during the early, dorky, make the old folks happy, Twist and swing portion of the evening. During the late-night, someone better have a tie wrapped around his head part of the night, the only time I saw anyone get crazy was when they played Cotton Eye Joe, and some people were doing some kind of stupid-ass, Hee Haw, foot-slapping dance. It was painfully embarrassing.

- One thing that really blew was when the bar opened back up after that always brutal stretch of closed-bar time during dinner, when you've run out of the shit wine they drop on your table hours ago. Just as the bar tenders got back to their station, the slide show began. The really, long slide show, which was three parts (Bride, Groom, and Bride and Groom Together). The happy couple were sitting in chairs, holding hands, RIGHT by the bar, so anyone who stopped watching the show to get a cocktail, would look like an inconsiderate, stinking drunk, which I am, but I didn't want to tip everyone off to that fact, especially in front of the quasi-girlfriend's coworkers. Instead, I waited to see if anyone else was bold enough, but sadly, no one was.

Anyone been to any weddings lately? What was the suckiest thing about it?

24 comments:

RevRee said...
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RevRee said...

Maybe your "quasi-girlfriend" could hook up with my "pseudo boyfriend" and you and I could go get married in the Bahamas...hahah

Anyway, a few years back, I had the wonderful pleasure of attending 11 freaking weddings in one summer!!!

I hated every single one. I seriously hate when I'm asked if I had a good time at said wedding. I want to scream,

"NO I DID NOT HAVE A GOOD TIME!!! WHO HAS FUN AT SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING? I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GET SINGLED OUT AGAIN TO CATCH ANOTHER BOUQUET! DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!"

*cough* ok, I'm better

zen wizard said...
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zen wizard said...

A wedding is good for five dates, so I got news for the quasi-girlfriend, she is now the GIRLFRIEND and she had better start with the unbelievably great sex coupled with the veiled insults of your car, your friends, your career path, and your furniture.

I mean, this wedding kick-started things a little, so we need to take this relationship to the next level so that you 2 can break up in the requisite 6-months.

Jenny! said...

People don't get married that I know...we all just live in sin! Sorry about the depression, hopefully the new girl was able to suck your troubles away!

I would love to attend a wedding and get trashed, make a scene, but damn friends don't get married!

classyandfancy said...

I am not popular enough to be invited to weddings, but when people do take pity upon me (i.e. not enough people have rsvp'd) believe you me I am the lifeblood of that shindig. Except when they play "Shout" which I deem my cue to proceed to throw my drink and the centerpiece at the dj. Why do they always have to play that sucktacular song? I don't want to see the octogenarians in attendance throw our their hips or dip it low to the dancefloor.

Legaleagle said...

Catholic weddings are the worst. Sit, stand, kneel, pray, sit, stand, kneel, pray.... all the while the priest is muttering words you can't quite make out. To think, I almost had one of those....

By the way, if you decide to have the big "to do" again, it won't be stupid. I have a client who is on her 5th marriage and she's had a big to do each time. And, she wears white.

phishez_rule said...

I've only been to one wedding. One of my besties in high school. I lived in NSW, all of her friends lived in Melbourne. I knew her family and one of the bridesmaids and I didn't have a date.

ReckenRoll said...

Ok - I read Classy's comment and for half a second thought she meant the Tears for Fears version which painted a rather funny picture in my head of the weddings she had attended and how the old people behaved.

But I am sorted now.

I hate "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang. Worst wedding song ever.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Mercifully, I have not been to a wedding in about 5 years. Like Calssy, I'm not cool enough.

Grad School Reject said...

My worst wedding was one where everyone attending knew it wasn't going to last, but we had to pony up and buy gifts. On top of that -no open bar.

4 months later they separated. 2 months after that was the divorce. And the DJ had nothing as cool as BB&D.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

For some reason, it seemed like all my friends got married at the same time (as we all approached 30) and so I was in like 5 consecutive weddings. And I was definitely honored and all but... Especially when you're a groomsmen there is a lot of standing around to do in preparation for the wedding and you have to get there like 7 hours early and there's nothing that you actually do. Even at the ceremony, you just stand there.

I was super pleased when I went to a wedding and could just show up 10 minutes before and watch it. On a positive note, I went to wedding last weekend which was in a backyard and we could drink during the (a-religious) service. Should be required.

K.I.D. said...

The bride wanting to know why no one was dancing to the Christian music being played...that was kinda sucky.

Eve said...

Going to a second wedding. I'm hopeful this one's going to last.

I have another friend who's getting divorced after 8 months. Better than 8 years though, right?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Rev: I'm sure they'd make quite a pair! I actually enjoy weddings once I'm there, but they're weekend killers when you anticipate them.

Zen: You bite your tongue!!!!

Jenny: Suck my troubles away . . . I like that.

Classy: Anyone about to play shout should just change his/her mind and play One More Time by Daft Punk. It has the same slow down and speed up notion, and it's a much cooler song.

Legal: Oh, don't get me started on Catholic weddings. My theory is they should have the mass FIRST, and then let all the pagans, like me, in.

Phishez: One of your "besties!?!?" I'm stealing that term for American usage.

Reck: Shout by T for Fears would be really dark.

Cherry: Five years!! You lucky dog, you.

Grad: No open bar??!! Jeez, Louise!

Chuck: Nice that so many of your friends took "the plunge" right when you did, so that you have companions.

k.i.d.: Did they play Stryper?

Eve: I know, better that I didn't get divorced and find myself old with kids.

Thanks for all your great comments, readers! Sorry I took so long to comment upon your comments.

Kadonkadonk said...

Dr. Noisewater, I do believe we'd get along. When your new lady friends gets sick of the ass symphony you perform every night, give me a call.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

Oh wow. Where do I begin? Last year I was in 3 weddings. Honestly I don't like to add it all up but I have spent at least $5k on people's weddings so far. This year I *only* have to go to 3. The worst wedding was the mormom wedding I went to which wasn't even really a wedding. You just go and say hi to the bride and groom and drink so me punch. Fortunately my friend and I brought a hip flask of vodka and that ended up being the most drunk I've ever been at a wedding so really it wasn't so bad.

phishez_rule said...

You've never heard of that? Means Best friend. Nothing dodgy.

Steph said...

Once you take a chick to a wedding she's your GIRLFRIEND! Hate to break it to ya.
Slideshow? That hasn't caught on down here, thank God, I can't really imagine anything more mind numbing.

mysterygirl! said...

After going to five weddings last summer, I have none this summer. Yay!

Well, don't worry about the big "to-do" aspect. If you remarry someone who's never been married, then maybe she'll want to do it up. Does the groom actually have a choice? ;)

The DJ and the bar situation (open bar / cash bar / dry) are the two biggest wildcards that make or break the reception, I think. When one of my friends got married, her DJ was a super fake-baked guy named something like Zoltar. He provided much entertainment for us all.

Loaf said...

Last wedding I was dragged along to was a friends a couple of years ago; for some reason they thought it would be romantic to have it in an old converted barn.

Trouble was, it was middle of August, unbearable heat (made worse by us all being in full 3 piece suits), not to mention the place smelling like a farm and swarming with horseflies! Not fun at all!

5 of 9er said...

The suckiest thing... there were only two kinds of beer: Bud Light and Miller Lite. Sad.

Drunken Chud said...

the last few weddings i have been to have been fun as shit. i just run with an alcoholic crowd. in fact, people like to invite me to their weddings so that they can actually get their money's worth out of the bar bill. yeah, when the bar estimate is $70/person and 80% of the people there are old asses who have one chablis and then leave... i had some work to do at that wedding. the last one i was at was great. it so WT but so much fun. it was held in an iron workers union hall. yeah, good times.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kadonk: We will do damage together some day.

Carrie: Mormon wedding. Ouch.

Phishey: Will you be my new bestie??

Steph: You know what's amazing? She still likes me after going to a second wedding with me, where we had sex in her car, and then I barfed in the parking lot completely naked.

Mystery: "Kneel before Zoltar the all-powerful DJ!!!"

Loaf: Did you at least get a nice "roll in the hay" out of the deal?

Niner: I thought being a sox fan you'd be down with the miller?

Chudley: If I get hitched again your ass is getting drunk at the weddin'.