I'm not a good cook. Let's put it this way, right now I'm cooking something off of a recipe I got from A Man, a Can, and a Plan. If you haven't heard of this publication, it's all recipes you can make from canned goods like chili, beans, and even spaghettio's (TM). I like that they say things like, "dump the can of chili into a mixing bowl," or they'll tell you to pour half a can of beer into something, and tell you to chug the other half, which I did. They also have big-ass pictures of the various cans when each one is called for, so it's kind of catered towards a third-grader, which is perfect for me.
Right now I have some A Man, a Can, and a Plan ribs marinating in the fridge, and they've been there a couple of days, which would be okay with a plastic bag, but they're just in a mixing bowl with tin foil over it. Do you think I'll get botulism? I asked my fireman/EMT roommate, and he said, "Oh yeah. You're fine. Let those puppies soak." I figure he's in the business of saving lives, so he wouldn't suggest a highly-risky, meat venture that would put my life in jeopardy, right? That would go against his Hippocratic oath, would it not? We all should have oaths, like mathematicians should have a Pythagorean oath, just because I've always liked that word. What would my oath be? I'm thinking a Bugs Bunnian oath, in which I pledge to be a life-long smart ass, even in the face of danger. Hey, seven readers, what would your oath be?
Tonight I'm going to see Digital Underground, with none other than Humpty, who would have numerous oaths:
1. Never will I have my oatmeal any way but the way the good Lord intended, lumpy
2. So long as there are Burger King bathrooms, I will "get busy" in them.
3. Until the day I die, every time I get in a 69, "my Humpty nose will tickle your rear."
4. Last but not least, if I have the pleasure of coming to your home or place of business, "I (will) eat up all tha crackers and tha licorice" and drink all the "Hennessee ya got on ya shelf."
1. Never will I have my oatmeal any way but the way the good Lord intended, lumpy
2. So long as there are Burger King bathrooms, I will "get busy" in them.
3. Until the day I die, every time I get in a 69, "my Humpty nose will tickle your rear."
4. Last but not least, if I have the pleasure of coming to your home or place of business, "I (will) eat up all tha crackers and tha licorice" and drink all the "Hennessee ya got on ya shelf."
18 comments:
"So long as there are Burger King bathrooms, I will "get busy" in them." So does this Humpty friend of your carry diseases??? He sounds like a good time! I myself prefer Wendy's to get busy in...much cleaner!
^ Sounds like Humpty is also a man with a can and a plan.
Lessee, My oath would be 'First cuddle the fuzzies.'
Hmm, the oath question is a tricky one. What would a Pythagorean oath involve?
ok, the humpty oaths cracked my shit up. he should have another: for as long as there are words to make up, i shall not stop at "looptid".
or something cooler. whichever.
if i had an oath it would be the falstaffian oath combined with the daltonian oath: "first, spill no beer. Then, be nice, till it's time to not be nice."
Jenny: I'll meet you at Wendy's in 10 minutes.
Mighty: Nice! He DOES have big plans for a can and a nose. Hahahhaha!
Phishez: Cuddle the fuzzies??! Does that mean to flip the minnow?
Fever: I think it would have something to do with finding hypotenuses all over the place.
Chudley: I think when someone spills your beer it's time to be "not nice."
Did you die of botulism???
I'm on the edge of my seat.
You need an oath to live by: Leave no STOMP unturned.
Gettin digital with the Humtpy Hump. Don't forget to get busy with the Bettys.
You should try the cooking book, "Everything's Better with Bacon"
Only if you bring Humpty too!
The visual of the chili and whatever else you got soaking in the fridge made me throw up a bit in my mouth. Let me know how it turned out.
k.i.d.: I'm alive!! Some of those spam recipes might have killed me though. One had a can of span and a cup of coffee, among other things, that made a gravy. Ughghgh!!!!
Scary: Humpty was AWESOME! I have some good pics.
Chuck: That book has the most true to life title I've ever heard. Wait, is ice cream better with bacon? Probably.
Jenny: I'll see what I can do. From what I know about him, he's strictly a Burger King man.
Cherry: The ribs turned out KILLER! I brought them to a BBQ and made someone else cook them for me.
Flip the minnow? What?!?
Is a penis a requirement for the Man/Can/Plan book? Because I think it's right up my alley...
I tried coming up with an oath and all I could think of was the following:
A Classy Hoochie Momma Oath: With Panda-Z as my witness, I promise to do all things hoochie, with the exception of contracting STDs and developing muffin tops.
Phish: Flip the minnow is the same as flipping the bean or Jilling off. I thought that's what you meant when you said "cuddle the fuzzies." Yes or no?
Kadonk: No penis required! Grab the book and cook up something special with a can of spaghettio's!
Classy: If you get muffin tops we can't be friends. STD's sure, but no muffin tops. Yucky.
A Bugs Bunnian oath might be,
"Never consult a map when making a questionable right turn in Albequirky."
"Always interrogate a hunter--from behind--who is trying to smoke out your rabbit hole."
"Never turn down a carrot offered in the spirit of friendship."
"Always dress in drag to attempt to seduce a potential antagonist."
"Always treat a predatory coyote as a door-to-door solicitor."
"Always give a Martian Xmas off so he can spend it on Mars..." oh, wait, that is the Daffy Duckian Motto.
Zen: Well done! Your comments are always damn good.
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