Did you know that's what they'll call Bill Clinton if his wife wins the election? That's right, First Gentleman. It makes sense, I guess, since gentleman is the counterpart to lady in the expression "ladies and gentlemen." It just sounds damn funny, but a little classy too, right? It got me thinking, what The Gancer (Dr. Kenneth Noisewater) would be like if asked to be our nation's first First Gentleman. My first thought was that I'd be a freeloading, half-assed, homemaker loser, but I think the K Fed comparisons would be enough to drive me out of the White House and into the work force. I would also engage in some other endeavors . . .
1. I'd nag my wife incessantly until she appointed me Secretary of Rock. Man, that has a nice ring to it! First Gentleman or not, somebody should appoint me to that post, because I'd be awesome at it. I think I'd have to dress the part, like maybe a Dee Snyder look, but with a judge's robe. If I deemed something too sucky and/or wussy, I would launch a formal investigation and scrutinize chumps like Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. One too many "nays" from my committee, who would be all appointed by me, and most likely would consist of my drinking buddies, and Rob would be Josh Homme's (from Queens of the Stone Age) guitar tech for a year-long, probationary period until Rob learned how to better rock and suck/wus-out less.
2. Since some past First Ladies have championed women's rights, maybe The Gancer could be a strong proponent of Man's Rights. Here would be some of my Man's Rights causes
A) I would have the Lorena Bobbit decision over-turned. I mean, yeah, the guy is an abusive moron and a lousy excuse for a human being, but did he deserve to have his penis lopped off? Maybe so, but should she have gotten away scott free? I demand some punishment, because it's setting a dangerous and downright scary, especially if you're a man who values his penis, precedent. To avoid such a precedent, I would have her serve one day in prison or one day fluffing Ron Jeremy, whichever she wants.
B)How about a two hour period of time in which a wife is not allowed to talk to her husband, like during an important ball game, as if he could hear half of what she's saying then anyway . . .
C) Come to think of it, I'm not too big on these Man Rights. All this misogyny is starting to make me feel like Mighty Dykerson, and while I love his work, it's making me uncomfortable.
3. Help me out here, seven readers, what other responsibilities do you think I should have? What would you do? Female readers, what would you like from your First Gentleman if you were a lady President?