Monday, August 20, 2007

I Hate Cats . . .

. . . and they hate me. You don't believe me? Allow me to regale you with some tales of asshole cats in my recent asshole cat history:

1. I'm with a buddy in St. Louis, and he says he has to feed his mother's cats before we go out. When we get there, the two cats seemed friendly enough. However, as soon as they were fed, the sons of bitches start hissing at me, and I'm talking hair on their backs standing up, scare your pants off hissing. What a couple of selfish pricks, right?

2. I was dating a girl with a blue, really cool looking cat named, oddly enough, Mr. Blue. He was the biggest cat I ever saw, and I don't mean fat, I mean long. Legally, It is probably the closest she could have been to having a live panther in her house, and he had all the ferocity of a gull-darned panther, well towards me anyway. The little turd of a cat was always darting out from somewhere trying to attack me, so I'd get all on edge, and I swear the rat-bastard could sense it - and he'd come at me more. Maybe he also sensed that I wasn't into his owner anymore. I swear, you look into this cat's eyes, and it's like he knew things. I don't hate cats because they're dumb, because they're actually quite smart. I hate cats because they're assholes.

3. My roomy has a black, really skittish cat who, because of our landlord's anti-pet policy, has to be hidden up in his bedroom at all times like Anne Frank. However, lately he's been exploring more, and for some reason he loves to hang out under my bed. Maybe he sees no danger of being crushed by any hanky-panky, as this has been a very slow August for The Gancer. Could it be that he knows that black cats crossing one's paths creates bad luck, and because cats hate me, this little fuck-stick is milling around me to surround me with a doom cloud of crap luck? Well, it's working. In any event, it's weird when I sit down at my computer to, let's say, goof on Cherry for sharting himself, and I see a creepy black cat run over to the door for me to be let him out. Also, the other day I'm walking down the hall and he paws me in the leg. My Roomy is there, and he says that this is what he does when he wants My Roomy to pet him. I informed him that this cat never lets me pet him. To this he furrows his brow, thinks for a moment, and says, "Yeah, I don't know why he did that to you."

I will say, there is some precedent that may speak to why this particular cat may hate my guts. One night, when My Roomy wasn't around, me and Another Roomy were desperately trying to get him out of that bedroom, because the landlord was coming over to look at some light fixtures. Trying to pick him up was greeted with hisses, and he was wise to any attempts to shoo him in any direction to lock him into another room. I remember standing on the bed with a broom, trying to shoo him towards my other roomy, and thinking, "This animal was not meant to be domesticated."

It's true, folks. On the whole, dogs seem happy to see you, while a cat will barely look up from licking his balls as you walk through the door. You may think your cat loves you, but he is merely making the best of the situation. He'd rather be out in the alleys, sniffing out some cat-poon than sitting in your lap watching Hope Floats. Don't get me started on even crummier pets, like iguanas or komodo dragons. Yeah, there are no iguana pieces of ass out there your pet lizard would rather be riding. He much prefers the dorm room he calls home, with dip-shits listening to 311 and blowing bong-hits into his two by one foot cage. Incidently, tell me another blog where you'll see the phrase "iguana piece of ass?"

Hey, Seven Readers, first off, sorry this post was so darn long. Secondly, tell me an animal, whether a species or one in particular, that you'd like to punt with a nice, high leg kick like Reggie Roby, or tell me an animal that hated you.

34 comments:

Dyck!! said...

I had a pussy hiss at me once. I fucked that hairy cunt anyway.

Airam said...

I hate cats because they make me sneeze.

non-Blondie said...

I always kick at seagulls or pigeons if they're around, because one pooed in my icecream when I was a kid and my grandma told me to flick it off and just eat the damn thing. Scarred for life.
Also on several occasions horses have revealed that they, as a species, hate me and want to kill me. If I could punt a Shetland, I would be happy.

phishez_rule said...

Yeah, I'm a nice person. Animals like me. Except for the mean fuckers.

Loaf said...

Generally me and cats just tend to avoid each other, there's an air of understood dislike between us. But the pet I'd most like to punt would be snakes.

An ex insisted on filling the house with three snakes when she moved in, and I can't imagine a worse pet. There was not the slightest affection from them, they'd curl round my neck and crap down my shirt, and soon learnt that they could stink out the entire house by crapping on their heat pad. Never again!!

mysterygirl! said...

I'm not a big cat person, either-- I think it's because I'm a dog person and dogs uniformly like me, so cats' ambivalence pisses me off. I want a pet that likes a good scratch behind the ears, dammit.

zen wizard said...

...so I'll tell Siegfried it's a definite "no" on the stand-in gig.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Oh, and thanks (again) for linking to my painful shart memories.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

"I hate cats because they're assholes." We are in agreement here. I hate most cats (although Niner and LP have two really nice ones).

Any creature with more than four legs (ie spiders) does not belong co-habitating under the same roof as humans. That's just wrong.

Jenny! said...

Cat's suck! They are like demons...they know I am allergic so they take advantage and try to rub up on you...I hate when the evil pussy gets all rubby on me! I have a pet snake...5 foot ball python! Much cooler than cats! I throw rocks at cats!

Fever Dog said...

I'm way to Zen to ever want to hurt an animal. And you know hating cats is latent misogyny, right?

Fever Dog said...

I just noticed, I don't count as one of your seven readers as I don't make the guest list ;)

cathouse teri said...

I love cats. But only some of them. I agree that some of them need to die. Meow.

Once, I was trying to pet a wild kitten. I snuck up on it and managed to get it in my grip (my special paralyzing grip). Normally cats are good to me, or at least afraid of me, because they recognize me as the Queen. (I'm not shittin' you.)

As soon as I loosened my grip on this one, he leapt toward my other hand and bit clean through my thumb nail! I tossed him across the yard, in hopes that he might hit a tree and die.

Yep, he needed to die.

I've had some amazing cats. And some amazing dogs. I won't keep any other kind.

zen wizard said...

I would like to punt a Nauga with a really long dropkick--

It's not them so much as their hides...

You go to sit on what you think is a nice leather sofa, and then you get that sticky, Naugahyde squeak and everyone thinks you cut a falsetto fart or something.

Well, it's between them, and a polyester. Or whatever animal they grow diamonds in.

classyandfancy said...

My vote is for Mogwais. Small, therefore easy to punt.

Diesel said...

Well, you're already over 7 comments, so I must not be one of your readers.

All living creatures love me. I'm like St. Francis of Assisi. I can just pluck birds out of the air and bite their heads off.

ADW said...

I still like the idea of a "forever shot" for all animals. I am pretty sure that the hairy monkey that passes himself off as dyck!! would qualify.

Mr. Shife said...

Nice reference. Reggie Roby was the man. I remember he always wore a sports watch so he could time his punts. So let's see I would like to punt ... hmmm. I hate cats but I don't think I can punt them. Karma and all, plus they are animals. I think I would pick all of the assholes that raise dogs for dog fighting. Those guys are the real animals.

Casey said...

Nice thing about living out in the sticks is that you can shoot anything that really annoys you. I have forty seven little stick figure cats scratched into the maple stock of my Glenfield Mo. 15. Because some of them have to be shot twice.

I hate ugly kids, do they count as animals?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Dyck: I've had some hiss at me (see queefing post).

Airam: They make me gag.

Non: Seagulls look pretty from far away, but up close they're really gross looking. They have icky, yellow eyes.

Phishez: My Roomie's cat would hate even you.

Load: You and I share that hate-hate relationship with felines.

Mystery: Iguana's don't want to be scratched behind the ear either.

Zen: Yeah, I'm out on that gig. I'll help them out backstage, if you know what I mean. Ewwwwwwww.

Cherry: I'm with you on the too many leg thing, especially when it comes to centipedes. How in the heck do they move all those legs? Could they move just one if they wanted? I think my hatred for them is why I liked to play Centipede the video game, and light up a bunch of them.

Jenny: 5 foot python balls? Good heavens!

Fever: You just analyzed me correctly. Also, the guest list is going to undergo some changes soon, since like 3 of those people no longer post.

Cathouse: That's some story!! Did you put him to sleep? Do you think my roomie would mind if he came home from work, and I said, "Sorry, Roomie. I had to put your cat down?"

Zen: Falsetto fart!!! Hahahhahaa.

Classy: If you punt Gizmo, I'll slap the taste out your mouth! Although, they do have the potential to turn into Gremlins. Dude, that guy that sold the Mogwai in Gremlins specified the rules to owning one, but he wasn't clear on what exactly would happen. The dad-guy was probably thinking, "Okay, if I feed him after midnight, he'll get some horrific gas," but I'm sure he wasn't thinking that he would turn into a bunch of evil, little monsters, one with a mohawk.

Diesel: Remember when Conan the Barbarian is on the Tree of Woe, that vulture lands on his shoulder, and he bites into the motherfucker's neck? That was awesome.

Adw: Hey, he resembles that remark.

Shife: You should punt Michael Vick, and then get out your stop-watch, Reggie Roby style.

Casey: You are my cat-shooting hero!!!!

chuckdaddy2000 said...

A girlfriend's cat once pissed on me in the middle of the night.

Other than that, I usually like cats

In Ink said...

If you can't handle a cat, you have no chance with a woman.

Drunken Chud said...

i hate cats. but punting them isn't as fun as it sounds. personally, fish and rabbits. i want to punt them. why? they are not pets, they are retards. on that note, i want to punt retards too. i bet they'd make some interesting noises, then come back at you with their retard strength. damn retard strength.

Jenny! said...

5 foot balls can be a bit tedious to lick, but you gotta do what you gotta do!

Eve said...

Cats will eat you if you die. I mean, they're just subservient (and questionably at that) because we're bigger than they are and feed them.

Also, if you pick them up by the neck scruff they tend to go limp.

Generally they're assholes, but they're cute, dammit!

Mood Indigo said...

I don't know if this counts but right now the area around my house is dripping with oak worms. Oh the joys of being surrounded by trees as majestic as oaks. You literally can't walk underneath them or you're at risk of taking a half-inch long WORM dangling from a string I think it shoots out its butt, in your face. Give me cats any day.

p.s. Word verification is 'pbuzz' - I like that.

BottleBlonde said...

Funny post!

I'm allergic to cats, so of course they rub all up on me 'cause they know they make me sick. Smart fuckers, aren't they?

Scary Monster said...

Cats be loving me. No matter where me goes, pussies be rubbin up against The Monster. There were one cat, me grandmothers in fact, who would hide in the closet and just howl at me. This weren't a cat or at least me couldn't believe it were cuz me never actually seen it. All me ever saw were two glowing eyes staring down at me from the shelf.

Iffin me were gonna punt anything, me thinks that me would go down to Papua New Guinea and punt pygmies. See iffin me can get them into the cauldron meant fer me.

STOMP.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chuck: How could you like cats after one gave you an unsolicited golden shower??? Give in to your hatred . . .

Ink: I fail to see how the two are related. Teach me the ways of cat seduction, oh invisible one . . .

Chud: Please don't punt any window-lickers. Think that through.

Jenny: Are you telling me you lick snake balls? That's the hottest thing I've ever heard. I think Slash would drop everything to have a go with you.

Eve: Yes!!!! They only put up with us because they have to.

Mood: I remember back when Letterman was funny, he talked about the "flying worms" in his house, they'd show cartoon worms with wings, but I knew he meant those worms on a string. Gross.

Bottle: I bet a lot of organisms try to rub up on you and make you sick, like that guy at Home Depot who said you were "thick."

Scary: Pygmie punting!! Count me in! I'd knock the bones right out their noses!

cathouse teri said...

Put to sleep! That kind of cat needs to be shot! Or strangled! Or drowned! Ain't nuthin humane about that animal! :)

Legaleagle said...

I'm not a cat person at all. I don't necessarily want to punt them, but I would like them as far away from my as humanly possible.

I do hate little prissy dogs, though. They suck.

Alannah said...

Consider my latest post a gift just for you.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cathouse: Okay, no humane ways, huh? How about the blender?

Legal: I like bigger dogs too. Big enough to 'wrastle' with.

Alanah: I'm on my way to check it out . . .

Anonymous said...

I hate all of you who hate cats, coz you are all assholes....