Yet Another Crap Update Post

1. The Chicago Cubs are falling apart, but I'm hoping that they will catch fire for the playoffs, if they make them. Who's got some wood I can knock on or a goat I can slaughter?


2. There's a new post at The Liar's Club, our Chicago based blog. Once there, if you scroll down, you'll see that the last five posts have been from me (not counting quick ones to say "I'm retiring" and "What the hell happened to this blog?"). When I'm the hardest working blogger, we got big problems. We need more consistent posts, and we're taking applicants. Email me if you live in Chicago, and would like to be a Liar. Of course, your "hiring" would require approval by the other two remaining Liars (Niner just retired to make babies. That's the only way out of this gang.)


3. I went to the annual carnival in my home town over the weekend. The first part of the day was fun with my mom, my sister, and my nephews. The first grader and I rode the Gravitron (which is the one where they spin you around and take the floor out from under you) with a bunch of obnoxious middle school kids. It would have been a great time to have used my nausea to have an amusement park related "accident" upon one of said annoying teenager's Hollister shirts.

Later that night, I met up with some friends at the beer tent where a friend of mine was stationed. He is a member of one of those organizations where a bunch of old men do volunteer work of various kinds, but a lot of the time, I suspect, is spent telling dirty jokes and participating in farting contests. Everyone in that tent was 20 years his senior, but he seems to be real happy. The problem is, we couldn't spend those beer tickets. We'd try to hand them to him, and he'd hand them right back with a bunch of beers.

When he gets done with his beer pouring shift, he dumps off a mess more of free brews, and tells us to go to his dad for the remainder of the night. Dad looks exactly like Brian Dennehey, and he was just as resistant to taking our money/tickets. There was one point where I remember looking down in the circle we had formed, and there were like ten full cups between us in the grass that we were trying to conceal to avoid unveiling the corruption leading to our intoxication. It's a good thing I didn't go for a late night Gravitron ride because it would have been like mixing up a vomit smoothy up in that piece, and nobody wants to order one of those these days.


4. I don't know what made me think of this, but I was trying to hash out the differences between two third graders who were not getting along on a playground. I asked them their names and they were Ben and Jerry. I said, "Boys. Boys. I'll tell you what. I know a couple guys named Ben and Jerry who get along real well, and now they've made millions of dollars together selling a shit* load of ice cream." Well, I don't think that my example hit home with these youngsters, but after Jerry managed to stop his crying fit, I got them to agree to get along. They could very well be on opposite ends of a see-saw getting along famously at this very moment. Then again, they could be loading up each other's mail boxes with pipe bomb recipes they found on the internet. That's the crazy thing about kids: You just don't know what they're going to do next.

5. I just discovered this song, and it cracks me up. They have pinned down the exact moment where you know you're in love: When you go on a picnic together, and you don't even bring any beer. That's when you know it's on.

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*Kids who are in the cool crowd are always trying to say stuff to act cool and more adult-like, but the funny thing is that the adults of the world think the really nerdy kids are behaving more like adults. Any way you slice it, being trapped on a Gravitron with a bunch of punk kids, with your organs stretched in a knot, all the while trying to keep your nephew from hearing swear words is not a good time.

**I didn't really say shit.