Friday, September 19, 2008

More Straight-Up Random Crap

I don't have big concept blogs lately because I've been working harder at my job and all writing efforts have been going towards a play I'm writing. Actually, if anyone has any ideas where I should perform this thing in Chicago or any other input, hit me with an email. I'm being sincere, for once, when I say that although I've never met most of you, your opinion matters to me a great deal.

Random Topic #1:
Pop Quiz: Who's music is in the grocery store, the drug store, and the waiting rooms of doctor's offices more than any mofo on God's green earth?
Answer: Sir Elton John. I know I read somewhere that he sold a bunch of his music to things like that, but I couldn't find any evidence of that for you right now. I'm in a hurry, so you'll just have to trust me or look it up on your own. Anyway, keep an eye out for his stuff playing the next time you're stopping in a Wallgreans to buy some Flaming Hot Frito's*, salted cashews, and a Gatorade. Well, that's what I was buying because it was late after playing a volleyball game and I wanted to get some "nourishment" before passing out. As I'm reaching for my Arctic Butt Slammer, or whatever, Gatorade, I was singing along to Sir Elton, only substituting gross words, which I often do, much like my fun Gatorade title. I was singing, "Daniel's beating off tonight on a plane . . ."

Random Topic #2:
The Booze sample Lady got me again today at the grocery store. She's a retired teacher, so we always get talking about teaching, since we have that in common, and then we get talking about booze, since we really have that interest in common. She gave me a great tip, and that is this: You can skimp on a Shiraz, even some $5.99's will do, but you never on a sauvignon blanc because a shitty one will be bitter. She's actually right because I know I got one once that was undrinkable. If something has booze in it and it's undrinkable for me, that is saying something. So, for that tip and for being a cool lady, I felt obliged to buy a quality sauvignon blanc. You see, bet you didn't think you'd get a good wine tip on this here rag, did you?

All right, two topics will have to do it for now because I'm taking the lovely Gancer Girlfriend and this here bottle of wine to a BYOB sushi joint. Tomorrow I'll be at Wrigley Field, hopefully where I'll be watching my beloved Cubbies clinch a playoff spot. I don't have any tips for how to buy a non-bitter Old Style beer at the ball park; they're supposed to be bitter, and they're perfect that way.

*I love these because I never got to enjoy Flaming Hot Cheetos without discomfort due to my lactose intolerance (my roommate calls me a "lactard"), so the launch of these babies was like something sent down from on high from the empty calorie gods.

14 comments:

logorrheic. said...

i think i rather enjoy your lyrics better. you must be a ball for karaoke... :P

TOPolk said...

One day I managed to hear "Candle in the Wind" in a Walgreens, a Ingles (a grocery store), and the post office all back to back. They were different versions of course, but I still think that the world was against me that day.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Log; Yes. I have some awesome "originals," the best of which is If You Won't Blow Me By Now by Harold Melvin and the Blue Ball. Wow. That's funny. Bet nobody steal that, or I'll come looking for you.

Polky: See, Polky's got my back! I told you all that Elton is all up in the elevator music! That day must have sucked. Was one of them the Princess Dianna version I much prefer Dirty Dianna by Michael Jackson, which I actually heard is about Dianna Ross.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Dude thx much for the wine tip. My wine knowledge is practically non existent so any help I good get is much appreciated. Now I'm gonna use this tip to impress my girl ;)

Tiffany Cavalli said...

Hi.. this is my formal introduction Doctor.. im Doctor Tiffany Cavalli, "The Love Doctor ." Would you like to pop over for coffee? love Tiffany

pistols at dawn said...

I don't really know any Elton John songs, because when a man says, "Here I am to perform some songs for you in a Donald Duck costume," I just figure he must suck. The Replacements never had to wear ridiculous outfits, since they were a good effing band, and that was enough.

So, in short, performers in costumes are great at furry-friendly sex shows, but terrible when they're playing music.

Drunken Chud said...

one of my favorite lyric substitutions comes from van halen "panama"... i like to sing it as "padded bra!" now, when next you hear that song, try not to sing it that way. it fits with everything so well.

Kadonkadonk said...

Should the GF be jealous of the booze lady? That relationship sounds pretty darn fishy to me...

Heff said...

Lactard. I HAVE to use that.

Michael5000 said...

$5.99 is kind of the upper end for a bottle of wine, at my house. Hooch is hooch. For a $20 bottle of wine, I'd want to get pretty damn ploughed....

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

360: Did you impress your lady the booze sample lady's wine tip?

Tiffany: That was the nakedest comment in the history of my blog.

Pistols: Elton was campy and sometimes crappy, but I'm sure even The Replacements like songs like Your Song and Tiny Dancer.

Chud: Padded Bra came on the radio yesterday! Thanks.

Donk: She should not be jealous. We have enjoyed the Booze Sample lady together.

Heff: Lactard . . . It is fun. Right?

5000: So true. I think the difference between a 5.99 and a 14.99 is way bigger than a 14.99 and a 59.99. Does that make sense?

Sabina said...

Cheap pinot noir is uniformly bad, too. It's something about how the grapes are fragile so it's difficult to make it correctly. Or something.

And you're right about the difference between 5.99 and 14.99 being greater than between 14.99 and 59.99.

Zen Wizard said...

There is a Chateau Phillipe de Rothschild Mouton Cadet that is a white blend of sauvignon blanc and semillion that kicks ass as I recall for usually about ten bucks.

The Philippe de Rothschild RED Mouton Cadet is a blend of merlot and cabernet sauvignon.

I think with sauvignon for most people a blend is a good plan because it is a bold grape.

I served it when I was a waiter to all classes of people and didn't get one complaint once.

I wish I could still drink it--but when I drink wine, one minute I am telling bon mots in Noel Coward's drawing room and the next think I know I am passed out in an alley on skid row. (I am not really sure what happens in between, there...)

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