More Straight-Up Random Crap

I don't have big concept blogs lately because I've been working harder at my job and all writing efforts have been going towards a play I'm writing. Actually, if anyone has any ideas where I should perform this thing in Chicago or any other input, hit me with an email. I'm being sincere, for once, when I say that although I've never met most of you, your opinion matters to me a great deal.

Random Topic #1:
Pop Quiz: Who's music is in the grocery store, the drug store, and the waiting rooms of doctor's offices more than any mofo on God's green earth?
Answer: Sir Elton John. I know I read somewhere that he sold a bunch of his music to things like that, but I couldn't find any evidence of that for you right now. I'm in a hurry, so you'll just have to trust me or look it up on your own. Anyway, keep an eye out for his stuff playing the next time you're stopping in a Wallgreans to buy some Flaming Hot Frito's*, salted cashews, and a Gatorade. Well, that's what I was buying because it was late after playing a volleyball game and I wanted to get some "nourishment" before passing out. As I'm reaching for my Arctic Butt Slammer, or whatever, Gatorade, I was singing along to Sir Elton, only substituting gross words, which I often do, much like my fun Gatorade title. I was singing, "Daniel's beating off tonight on a plane . . ."

Random Topic #2:
The Booze sample Lady got me again today at the grocery store. She's a retired teacher, so we always get talking about teaching, since we have that in common, and then we get talking about booze, since we really have that interest in common. She gave me a great tip, and that is this: You can skimp on a Shiraz, even some $5.99's will do, but you never on a sauvignon blanc because a shitty one will be bitter. She's actually right because I know I got one once that was undrinkable. If something has booze in it and it's undrinkable for me, that is saying something. So, for that tip and for being a cool lady, I felt obliged to buy a quality sauvignon blanc. You see, bet you didn't think you'd get a good wine tip on this here rag, did you?

All right, two topics will have to do it for now because I'm taking the lovely Gancer Girlfriend and this here bottle of wine to a BYOB sushi joint. Tomorrow I'll be at Wrigley Field, hopefully where I'll be watching my beloved Cubbies clinch a playoff spot. I don't have any tips for how to buy a non-bitter Old Style beer at the ball park; they're supposed to be bitter, and they're perfect that way.

*I love these because I never got to enjoy Flaming Hot Cheetos without discomfort due to my lactose intolerance (my roommate calls me a "lactard"), so the launch of these babies was like something sent down from on high from the empty calorie gods.

The Lost Island of Misfit Blog Topics

Either I have the most crippling case of writers block of all time, or I'm just coming up with the worst ideas ever. I'm going to share some of these awful notions with you today, so I won't be tempted to ever use any of these.

1. I jokingly offered to be a sperm donor for a lesbian friend of mine, because I want a baby without a wife or responsibility. Actually, when you break it down, I'm a damn good surrogate father candidate. I'm tall, healthy, athletic-ish, and decent enough looking. I'm not smart, but my parents are, so there's a good chance my kid would be. I figure that I've produced loads, pun intended, and loads of sperm since the early to mid 1990's, and finally it's going to pay off. I could be the proud sort of father of a baby boy or girl, who I'll get to see every now and again, but I will not necessarily be obligated to love or support him/her financially. I just whack it, hand over the joy juice, they turkey baste it in there, or whatever, they do all the parenting, and I just keep doing what I've always done. Whacking it.


2. I got halfway through a piece about how much I love it when the Liquor Sample Lady is at the grocery store when it dawned on me that it was stupid, boring, and made me look like a booze hound. Seriously though, there's nothing like a snort off some fancy-schmantsy spirit you'll never buy to make shopping feel less like a chore and more like a bar. Why can't everything be a little bit more like the bar? Okay, so I am a booze hound. What's it to you?!?

3. My Hollywood buddy is working on the set of Boston Legal, and I asked that he update me on what Captain Kirk has for lunch every day. He seems to be a fan of the turkey chili and cornbread, if you must know. He also likes nailing green chicks from distant planets, which I find can work up an appetite.

4. More shit about my beloved nephews. My parents always have a bottle of oil and vinegar on the table for salads, and one nephew quite accurately pointed out that it looked like a "potion." His mother and I half convinced him that it was a shrinking potion. He tried some, and he's all, "See, it doesn't make me shrink." I told him, "It will kick in soon enough. You'll know it's working when it looks like we're all getting bigger." The fact that I get my jollies by screwing with a kindergartner's head is probably another reason my fatherly duties should remain strictly surrogate in nature.

5. This idea is actually quite good, but I decided it's a little mean and maybe a little evil. I was skipping through completely random blogs, planning to publicly make fun of a particularly stupid one on my blog. How caddy, right? The blog that was most likely to get ripped was one run by a couple, and dedicated to counting down the days until their upcoming wedding in Napa Valley. There are only a few posts so far, and they all suck. Their profile picture is the two of them and their dog. There's nothing worse than when you get a Christmas card from a couple and they're cuddled up with their stupid dog. I'm going to send out a card with a photo of me and my mailman just to throw people off. Anyway, I get the sense that when this couple's fabulous, scenic, Napa wedding is in the books, they'll be like, "Okay, now what." With any luck they'll have a new blog counting down the days until their divorce. Now that would make for some good reading. I hope it rains on their wedding day and the grapes in the wine go bad, giving the wedding party and all the guests the worst case of the green apple quickies they've ever experienced.