Watching all these episodes of "The Wire" has given me a new found respect for both undercover cops and successful criminals, and I have decided I would totally suck in a career as either.  But which one would I be suckier at . . .

Detective Kenneth Noisewater: After moving up the ranks of Chicago's parking meter investigation unit, Noisewater was promoted to homicide.  Before he could solve his first case, he was stripped of his gun and his badge, literally.  While canvasing the neighborhood of the scene, he was given a beating, a wedgie, and was stripped down to his undies by 7 minors (pretty young ones too) in the courtyard of a housing project on the West Side.

Kenny "Boo Boo" Noisewater: Kenny started a life of crime at a young age and was in and out of juvenile detention centers for most of his childhood, where the constant scrapes and bruises earned him the nickname of Boo Boo.  On his 18th birthday, he caught a case for trying to pull an ATM machine out of the ground with his pickup truck.  While he was successful at dismounting it, it was heavier than he bargained for, and without an accomplice to lug it into the cab, he attempted to drag it southbound on Western Avenue.  35 calls came into 9-1-1 about some idiot tugging a big box down the street at 35 miles per hour with sparks shooting everywhere.  He plead guilty to theft and 3 other charges and was sentenced to 5 years in Cook County, where he was given a new nickname: Kenny "Stretchy Anus" Noisewater.

Ever Wonder What Would Happen . . .

. . . if the whole world farted at once? 

When you start to type that into google, right when you get to the whole world, it knows where you're going with it.  The first thing that comes up is Yahoo answers, and these are the funniest and most insightful answers.

1. "it would be the funniest end of the planet in the universe, and the aliens would get a right laugh."

• 3 years ago 22% 2 Votes

2. "You'd probably be able to see a green, stinky cloud arise from Earth that could be seen from space. Nasa could contain the gases and do research on our diets.

How could that happen, though? Consider the time zones. Would some be farting in their sleep?

On the other hand, you'd be able to hear a funny and loud noise that would be a lifelong treasure if you video taped it. I'd be video taping as I farted...now that's what I call multitasking!"

3 years ago.  11% 1 Vote

3. "After 10 seconds - 1 hour (depends on your farting ability again!) The gases and stuff would go into the atmosphere and a bunch of old scientists with funny moustaches would tell us that we sped up global warming by 1 million years . . . . DAMMIT now we only have 998 million years to go before we all burn alive . . . .

I could be a story teller couldn't I . . . with a failing career and lack of talent . . ."

• 3 years ago.  11% 1 Vote 

 

Personally, all I can think of is "I'd like to teach the whole world to fart.  In perfect harmony . . ."  It's really quite a beautiful exercise in world unity, isn't it?  Should we hold hands in a Hands Across America type deal first? 

So My Girlfriend And I Were Talking About Anal Bleaching . . .

. . . and she found an ad that said "So you want to to make your chocolate spider a vanilla spider."

Uh Oh. I Think I'm Annoying . . .

I saw a story on Yahoo news about annoying habits people have at work, and I'm curious how I stack up.  Let's have a look . . . 

Topping the list among men, 41% are turned off by co-workers' body odor. Nearly as many women think their colleagues could do better in the hygiene department, about 38%. 

I think I'm okay here.  I mean, my odor isn't offensive or anything.  I will say that when I play basketball in the morning, I don't have time to shower so I smell like Axe Body Spray, which is kinda douchey - but not offensive.

Women are most likely to be annoyed when another steals credit for their ideas. This peeve is number one on the list for 41% of all women (and 36% of men). Perhaps because younger employees are less likely to speak up for themselves on the job, 44% of 18-34 year-olds, both men and women, say this is really ticks them off. 

I don't do this at work.  I have, however, been listening to a lot of sports radio lately and pawning off opinions of the radio guys as my own.  Terrible, right?

What's another common complaint? Not surprisingly, given the lack of privacy in most workplaces, about a third of workers (33% of women and 31% of men) are irked by hearing a colleague's loud, personal telephone conversations.

I try not to do a whole lot of this.  To me, that's kind of a no-no.  Wait, maybe I'm not as annoying as I thought . . .

According to the survey, the lunchroom is a minefield of annoying behaviors. Men and women are equally aggrieved when someone swipes their food out of the office refrigerator-27% report this is their biggest complaint. And, if you were thinking of eating that onion pizza or garlicky meatball sub on the job, perhaps you should save it for the weekend. It will seriously gross out 13% of your male and 12% of your female colleagues.

 Come on, man!  Rifling other people's sack lunches out of the fridge?  I don't do that, but I do "borrow" some hot sauce if there is some in there.  I don't like to eat stinky stuff at work.  That's horrible.

I'm very, very annoying at the bar, but I'm okay at work, as it turns out.  At the bar I dance like an idiot, I poke you in the ribs thirty times to tell you something, I scream loudly to stuff I don't even like (see Bon Jovi), I buy the round of gross shots you don't want, and I call you a sissy when you try to go home because I want more drinking buddies around to make me feel a little less like a pathetic loser.

But yeah, at work I'm totally not annoying.  

Crustacean Castration

Actually, more of a vasectomy. Here is an interesting story along with some theories I personally have about lobster penis punishment.

Castrated by Lobsters

This idiot not being able to have kids is good for mankind. Would if we dropped a few live lobsters down the pants of anyone who steals anything. When you're caught, you get tied up for 2 minutes, and we let the lobsters decide your fate. If there is no damage to your genitals, you get off easy with the jail time. If there is significant damage to your junk, you go free, maybe walk a little funny, but no making any baby thieves for you.

I think this is not a bad idea. Actually, how about each offense you have on your record is another lobster down there, thus upping the chances that repeat offending criminals don't procreate! This is the sort of plan that will seem a little strange at first, but you'll thank Dr. Ken generations letter when the lobsters have gradually reduced theft. Also, we should probably mark down the prices of lobsters that have been down all the sweaty thief pants . . .

Drunken Weekend Wrap-Up

Friday Night:

I wanted to stay in to save money and avoid too much boozing, so I settled in with a bottle of wine and some NBA basketball. Just when I was so bored that I couldn't even take it anymore, Oats called me up and told me he was in a cab down the street from my house.

He had some friends in town, and they were a good time. We ended up at a 4AM bar, getting hammered, ordering beef sandwiches at Brothers Beef and watching "Glory."

Saturday Night

I watched my 10-year-old nephew crush in his basketball game. I'm proud of the little ginger.  Kid can ball, son! He's aggressive as hell, like on of the Bad Boys on the '88 Pistons. Then we played Pictionary with the whole family, and it was me, grandpa, and 10-year-old versus sister, grandma, and 6-year-old. We blew a huge lead, largely due to the fact that I couldn't draw a convincing enough bum.

My buddy Guile was in town from the suburbs, so he and I met over at HLP's place for cocktailing and dubstep music, a form of music that I need to get my hands on for workouts. Turns out it's also good boozing music.

The idiots dancing outside the liquor store in this clip are dancing to dubstep stuff.

Anyone ever use the autotone application on their iPhone where you can make stupid T-Pain songs from any phrase you say into the phone, picking from various background music? I made a song called "Does it smell like fish?" based on a now famous statement from an East St. Louis stripper who was smoking a cigarette on stage. And not with her mouth . . .

Then we went to Liars Club where I moshed around the room to the Misfits in a Randy "Macho Man" Savage mask that was inexplicably but thankfully at the bar.

Then back at Oats place with Brothers Beef again, only this time watching "28 Days Later," my favorite art house zombie flick, Oats heeded a 4AM booty call. He came home the next morning, already late for work, to find me sleeping in his bed with my shoes on.

Sunday

I stayed in all day and watched City of God with two Italian beef sandwiches, and it only just now dawned on me that they were my 3rd and 4th of the weekend, not to mention like 25 beers. I need some of that dubstep shit and a heavy workout today . . .

The Biz VS The Ken

Here's a text message conversation between myself and my good friend, Big Business, with topics ranging from the Chicago Bulls, cheerleaders, balls, and all kinds of other great stuff.

Dr. Ken: Watching the game online. Lovables r all grenades. They make up for their thunder thighs with their beat faces.

The Lovables are the Bulls cheerleaders.

Big Bizznazz: No. I like chunky chicks a lil' bit.

DK: I suppose I like them the way they r. That is just a little Midwest winter weight. I'd cuddle them all.

BB: Chubby ones tend to pay more attention to ball than skinny ones. Maybe the heavy ones feel like they have to?

BB: Like they sit and listen to their skinny friends say shit about not touching their boyfriend's nuts, and they figure if they do, they can get guys cuz skinny chicks aren't paying attention to the balls.



DK: Most attention to balls seems fleeting, just to say they did it, but I really like the ones out there who love a good bean bag.

BB: Oh yeah. The ones that treat it's a waffle cone and ice cream is dripping out of it.

BB: Like they move the wang out of the way just to get to the balls. Now, that's dedication to the balls.

DK: Haha! These girls got a lot of ass in those shorts. Like you can pull the shorts down slow and booty pops out of there like a magician's flowers.

BB: They're chunky, indeed. Like you can hear the shorts come off.

DK: Big Sexy used to pork 2 in the showers nightly. Both Bulls bigs had 15 or 16 boards.

Kurt "Big Sexy" Thomas played for the Bulls last season (seen below).

BB: Yeah. Double doubles are in recognition of the cheerleaders' behinds.

DK: Haha! In remembrance of Big Sexy's postgame shower ritual.

DK: He has Old Spice ejaculate.

BB: Big Sexy definitely ejaculates solid deodorant sticks.

This last part of the convo gets a little weird, but I know I laughed my ass off.

L.A. Recap

As some of you know, my girlfriend, the lovely Miss LSD, is living in Los Angeles for 2 years while going to graduate school. We had a monthly visit in L.A. over the weekend, and here's what I learned: I love my lady, and I love The Rainbow more than any bar outside of Chicago. Lemmy and Ron Jeremy are there almost every night, Lemmy by the bar playing video poker and drinking Jack and Cokes and Ron in his own booth with another booth for his big, old, hairy penis.

On this night, Chuck Zito and Leatherface were in there. Some dude I didn't know said, "Do you want to meet Leatherface?" I thought it a little strange because, while I am a fan of horror movies, I'm not a big enough fan to bother the dude who played Leatherface. Too late, the guy had already motioned for me to follow him. When we get to Leatherface's table, he is huge, standing around 6'6", but he looks way younger than he should be. I shook his hand and told him how much I loved his work, especially when he plunks that poor guy in the head with the hammer. He muttered to the friend that introduced me something to the effect of "What are you my publicist?," and turned around back to his friends. I said that he didn't seem too friendly, and the guy that brought me back there said, "Yeah. We don't really get along." Then why in the hell did you drag me back here to meet this big jerk? And it wasn't even the original Leatherface. It was the one in the remake and the same dude who played Lattimer in "The Program." Well, better that I just played it cool and didn't what I really think of him. I mean, have you seen this scene?

Hate F'ing, 2nd and Final Chapter

Well, folks. Below you will find the second half of the Hate F'ing podcast (part one is a couple of posts ago). As a reminder, Hate F'ing is when you sleep with someone out of anger. The way we came up with our totals was have all participants list their submissions, we discussed, and then all entries were voted on by the group to see if they made it through to the finals (the lady needed 3 out of the 4 thumbs up to get through, not counting vote of the person who suggested the name). We then rated each of the 13 finalists one to 13, with the lowest score being the best (sort of like an NFL Confidence Pool) and added up all of our totals.

And here is the master list of most Hate F'able Famous Women in the Free World from last place to first (remember that a low score wins, like golf).

12. Sarah Silverman - 43 points

11. Paula Abdul - 41 points

10. Heidi Moutag - 39 points

9. Jessica Simpson - 37 points

8. Kristen Stewart - 37 points

7. Paris Hilton - 36 points

6. Chelsea Handler 34 points

4th and 5th (tie) Fran Drescher and Miley Cyrus (tied with 33 points

3. Ce'line Dion - 24 points

2. Sarah Palin - 17 points

1. Casey Anthony - 14 points.

Yes, Casey killed her kid, so that gave her a big edge in the hate department, being the only murderer on the list. Still, we congratulate you, Casey. And we hate you, but I'm sure you'll get that painful Hate F'ing or jail time (or both) that you deserve (like O.J.).

Remember, we're not evil, just a bunch of dudes who got together with booze and a bad idea. Also, you have to turn my music player off on my blog to along the right panel before hitting play. If you double click in the MP3, it will download to your iTunes, and if you just hit play, it will just play.

Happy Hate F'ing and Happy Valentines Day, everyone!

I Was Telling My Shrink the Other Day . . .

. . . That I don't like people who aren't funny. That's too strong. I don't dislike them - they're not bad people - I just prefer to surround myself with funny people. I feel no sense of curiosity around the unfunnies as to what might be the next thing they might say when nothing funny ever comes out of them. Maybe they'll give me important tips or advice, but how often does that really happen. Hardly ever, right? So better just to not listen or half-listen.

Then again, crazy is the next best thing to funny. When someone is totally of their nutter, then the do say some interesting stuff, albeit totally insane.

Now, funny with a healthy amount of crazy is really what I like. That's the best of both worlds, and that's pretty much what I am. This is evidence by the fact that I write funny stuff (that's the funny side) and I just said I see a shrink in the title (there you have your crazy).

I just hope I'm as funny as these guys when I'm their age.

Hate F#cking: Part One

Yes, hate f#cking - when you hate someone so much that you want to give them a rough rodgering. I hope you enjoy this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it. As always, be sure to pause the music player on the right panel before hitting play. If you want to download it to your iTunes for some interesting conversation during your morning commute, double click where it says MP3, and if you just want to listen here on the blog, just hit the play button. Part 2 will go live in a week or so. Happy hate f#cking, everyone!

The Grudge

I got my boys coming over a podcast tonight. The topic: Top 5 Grudge F$%ks. Yes, women you hate so much that you want to give them a good rogering to teach them a lesson. Yes, it's horribly sexist, but what do you expect when you get a bunch of dudes together away from their girlfriends and load them up with beer?

This is your last chance to submit some names. They'll be here in a little bit . . .