Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Watching all these episodes of "The Wire" has given me a new found respect for both undercover cops and successful criminals, and I have decided I would totally suck in a career as either.  But which one would I be suckier at . . .

Detective Kenneth Noisewater: After moving up the ranks of Chicago's parking meter investigation unit, Noisewater was promoted to homicide.  Before he could solve his first case, he was stripped of his gun and his badge, literally.  While canvasing the neighborhood of the scene, he was given a beating, a wedgie, and was stripped down to his undies by 7 minors (pretty young ones too) in the courtyard of a housing project on the West Side.

Kenny "Boo Boo" Noisewater: Kenny started a life of crime at a young age and was in and out of juvenile detention centers for most of his childhood, where the constant scrapes and bruises earned him the nickname of Boo Boo.  On his 18th birthday, he caught a case for trying to pull an ATM machine out of the ground with his pickup truck.  While he was successful at dismounting it, it was heavier than he bargained for, and without an accomplice to lug it into the cab, he attempted to drag it southbound on Western Avenue.  35 calls came into 9-1-1 about some idiot tugging a big box down the street at 35 miles per hour with sparks shooting everywhere.  He plead guilty to theft and 3 other charges and was sentenced to 5 years in Cook County, where he was given a new nickname: Kenny "Stretchy Anus" Noisewater.


sybil law said...

"Stretchy Anus"!

I'd have excelled at either, I think (minus the stretchy anus) - but I'm much more prone to mob stuff. Shame I'm a woman.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sybil: Maybe a Mob Wife? They sure are snappy dressers.