Sunday, November 09, 2014

Last night when I was at a Lakeview neighborhood bar there were two giant groups of people and us.  In other words, If it weren't for these big groups, the bar would only have a handful of people in it.  First, there were participants in a sweatsuit pub crawl.  I talked to the founding father who informed me that he hosts this annual event right around the time of his birthday each year, and because it falls in November, the sweat suits are the perfect attire for the weather.  His only rule is that the sweat suits must be monochromatic (the tops must match the bottoms).  Birthday boy had a red, white, and blue one on with a U.S.A. embroidered on there, and it cost him $100.  This seems like a lot of money, but it looked really damn comfortable.  Plus we were saying that after wearing it again for the Olympics and World Cup, he will have recouped the losses.  

This is the sexiest sweats outfit I could find on Google Images.


The other group were members of Jewish fraternity having a reunion of one time.  It was the solitary Black member of the frat that said something during one of those quiet moments where an odd statement goes right into you head and stays with you all night: "Sorry, I couldn't hear you - my dick's too big."  I googled this quote and couldn't find it anywhere, so I guess I'll never know just what in the hell he meant by that.  It's funny, even if it makes no sense.  Actually, it's funny because it makes no sense.

I then got a text from an old friend saying he was headed to The Liars Club, which if you have been around this blog for a while you know this to be the best bar in Chicago.  This friend of mine recently split up with his wife who was cheating on him, and he has been dating lots of women.  This is the best way to get over events like this, I have found.  The guy is on a role too because he is in great shape and it seems like many of my friends over the years have had wives and girlfriends say how good looking he is.  He had one of his Tinder ladies out with him last night, so I was sort of third wheeling it.  We had fun for a while talking about some of their commonalities, such as both of them having giant tall dads.  His is 6'6" and hers is 6'8"!  I said that even if they don't work out in the long run, they should just go ahead and breed anyways to make a star volleyball or basketball player.  Then on a trip back from the men's room I saw the two of them talking very closely and intimately and Tinder Girl was grabbing at his schlong.  They were getting down with that notion of breeding in the very near future, so I saw this as a good time to leave . . . 

Now I am hungover as hell and have accomplished almost nothing today, but what little I have accomplished, I have these two friends to thank for it.  


7 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The black guy's remark was hilarious. I would classify it as the ironic mockery of a racial stereotype. He could be a budding comic genius. It's a pity you didn't chat with him and find out if he does a stand-up routine (I'm not talking about his dick here).

billy pilgrim said...

maybe "dick" is a jewish term for nose?

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Yes. I give him high marks for his remark. And he will never know that we are giving him props in the comment section of my obscure blog. Seems a pity . . .

Billy: I'm not touching that comment. Hahahahaha

Candy's daily Dandy said...

really? schlong grabbing in public?

hey, good for them I guess..

Jimmy Fungus said...

Gatorade and coffee? Do you mix them together?

Mr. Shife said...

I would totally do a sweatsuit pub crawl. Is that bad? My standards for going out have fallen a little bit since I have had kids.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Candy: It was late and in a place where that sort of thing is okay so long as you settle up your bar tab.

Fungus: Not together but in conjunction with one another. One to wake up and one to keep you hydrated.

Shife: Oh wait. A daddy pub crawl in sweatsuits is even better.