Thursday, January 08, 2015

Kirk just got done with a rigorous workout, and while he usually isn't big on smoothies, he was dying for something with peanut butter in it.  When an attractive tight-bodied woman came up to the counter, he asked her "Can you make me something with peanut butter in it?"  She laughed and asked if there was anything else he might like in there.  He just sat down and said "I don't know.  Maybe a banana?  Surprise me." 

After paying for his drink and having a few sips, the girl at the counter came by to ask him "Aren't you a little curious what else I put in there?"

"Not really," he said.  "I trust you."

It was at that moment that another employee of the gym came by to ask if he had any phone messages.  He was a Black man with enormous muscles everywhere and long dreadlocks. "No," she said "but I did get another call from you here late last night." 

"That wasn't me," said dread locked man incredulously.  "I don't have time to be making phone calls like that."

"I know it was you.  Just stop it."  She was growing more angry the more he he was denying it.

"What is this caller saying?"

She paused before talking about the phone call because it was a little embarrassing for her, very embarrassing for him, and a little awkward for Kirk who was still at the counter sipping his mystery banana concoction.  But hey, dreadlocks wanted to go down this road . . .

"You asked if I worked out at the gym as well as working here.  And then you asked if my feet stunk at the end of my workouts.  And I know it was you, so just stop it and we won't have to talk about this weird ass shit ever again."

"Haha.  That's funny, but it wasn't me.  See you around."  And with that, dreadlocked guy headed off towards the free weights.

Coming up from a slurp off his straw and without looking up, Kirk said to her "Oh, that was totally him."

"Right!  I'm positive it is, but how do you know?"

"First off, he just said that he doesn't have time to make those calls.  If he didn't do it, he would just say no.  He wouldn't be making excuses."

"Very true," she said.  "What else?"

"Well," Kirk elaborated, "he then said that the call was funny.  Even if he didn't make the call, it was really sick and gross, like an obscene phone call type of thing.  That isn't funny, especially if you were there late and working alone.  I mean, if the dude is into feat, fine.  But you don't have to be all creepy about it.  Feet aren't my thing, and actually, I'm kind of surprised they are his.  Given his amazing physique, I had him pegged as an ass or leg man - some body part that can be accentuated through hard work and building lots of muscle."

"You're a wise man," she said.

"I'm not usually this intuitive" he said.  "It must be something in your amazing smoothie recipe.  Thanks."

Kirk tossed his empty cup into the waste basket, said goodbye, and headed out the door knowing he was now on the case of the rastafarian obscene feet phone caller.  He knew he had his man.  It was just a matter of proving it. 


billy pilgrim said...

feats don't fail me now.

Mr. Shife said...

Go get him, Kirk. Hi Dr. Ken. Happy New Year. Tell the Bulls to quit playing like shit.

Fredulous Yo said...

She has some weird multiple personality disorder and has actually been calling herself. That's my theory.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Billy: Precisely. Good title for this shitty detective novel.

Shife: Bulls are starting to blow. I don't think they go beyond the 2nd round playing this lackluster.

Fred: Could be. Obsessed with her own feet. Stranger things have happened.