I know this crazy son of a gun who used to be a prison guard and now does security at a school. He is all of 5'5" but is intense as hell and a scary ass drill sergeant when he needs to be. This guy also teaches karate at the school, and he asked me if I would be a judge for a karate tournament. I tried to respectfully decline do to the fact that I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to karate. His response was hilarious and was this:
"Yeah, but when you see a fight, you know which guy got his ass whipped, right?"
Okay, by that definition I guess I'm a karate judge.
When I got there there was another security guard struggling through his soundcheck on the microphone in an attempt to warm up as the announcer. He asked if I would swap roles with him. In my estimation announcing was a way safer bet because as the judge I might have parents pissed off that I picked their kid's opponent. And with that brilliant trade I made a switch to become the MC for the evening.
I got into the swing of things pretty quickly with my commentary. When I didn't know what was going on in a match, I just defaulted to pointing out how hard one of the kids was trying with lines like, "Isn't he a scrapper, folks? Let's give him a hand!"
If it was a back-and-forth tussle, I would say "We got a scrap here, ladies and gentlemen!" The kindergarten division was particularly cute, by the way.
Just before the judges' decisions I would say something to the effect of "That was a closely contested bout. It will be interesting to see how the judges scored this one." Then the four judges would flip their flags to the white or red flag for which opponent won in their uninformed opinions. It probably would have made more sense to have an odd number of judges, but whatever. In the result of a tie there was only one way to settle it . . . Who can do more push-ups?! I'm serious. So then I counted out the push-ups on the mic and commented on who's arms were shaking and who was losing the integrity of their push-up form. The organizers of this event were winging it, and I was improvising what the hell to say about it. It was a blast.
The reverend rides again. And I hope the karate announcer sweeps the leg again because that was hilarious.