Thursday, July 16, 2015

The Pros and Cons of Having Babies

I worked a few days as a nanny (or manny, if you prefer) this summer for a 6-month-old girl.  A lot of people have teased me by saying things to the effect of "Oh, you're practicing for when you have your own kids."  Sort of, but more I would say that I'm using this experience to decide if I really want to have my first kid in my late 30's.

Here are the pros and the cons I've worked out thus far.

Con: Raising a baby is boring.  Yes, sometimes it's beautiful and rewarding and all of that stuff, but a lot of the time it's the most boring thing in the world.  No one tells you that.  People tell you that it's a lot of work, that they don't get any sleep, but you never hear anyone say how boring it is.  Well, I'm saying it.  It's boring.  I wish more parents would just admit it more.

Pro: It can be a heartwarming and wonderful experience.  All I have really done is warmed up some milk and popped it into her mouth, but you can't help but get a feeling inside you that says "I am giving this young being life!"  And this isn't even my kid.  I imagine it's ten times the effect when it's your own.

This isn't me, and this isn't the kid. But same general idea.
Con: It's messy.  The first thing I do when I get home is throw all my clothes in the wash and take a shower because I feel like I'm covered in drool, pee, poop, and woman's breast milk who I'm not even sleeping with.  Sometimes the baby will take a dump while she is sitting down and the pressure created by the floor will send the poop clear up her back almost to her neck.  Powerful ass on this kid.    Mom and dad should be proud.  Then you're trying to change her diaper while she tries to kick her feet into her own poop.  Good lord.  Parenthood is a messy existence.

"And, we're done here."
Pro: Great for meeting chicks.  I spend most of my day at a gigantic park in Chicago, whether we're walking around, playing on the swings, or just laying down a blanket and chilling.  You wouldn't believe how many women are out there, and they're all just as bored as me!  Day after day of baby time leads an individual to want to talk to some adults to make sure you don't lose your ability to converse with people without blurting out pee pee or poo poo.  So all these babes want to talk to me, but I'm spoken for.  So this really is only a pro for those single dads out there.  Or for single dudes that want to use a kid as bait to meet chicks.  There's gold in them there baby parks!

"Come, little one! Together we will be the lords of the baby park!"

That's all I got so far.  You guys got some more pros or cons, either from direct experience or as an outsider looking in?


Gorilla Bananas said...

Isn't the biggest pro that they eventually grow up and play ball games with you?

Mr. Shife said...

The highest of highs and lowest of lows is what somebody told me before I had kids, and I think it's pretty accurate so far. Plus you could have the chance to raise a baseball fan that roots for a good team like the Cardinals. =)

billy pilgrim, knight of the woeful countenance. said...

con - it costs a fortune.
con - it's a crap shoot. you might get a well behaved smart one or you might end up with a lout that lives in your basement for 50 years.
pro - it's a great way to keep track of time.

Exile on Pain Street said...

I can tell you from personal experience that the first five years are a living hell. It's awful. I can't think of a whole lot of nice things to say about it. BUT...once they get older the satisfaction increases precipitously. After about six, it gets better. You can have interesting conversations with a 7-year old and quasi-adult-like conversations with a 13-year old. But babies...FORGET IT.

Con: It really stretches your vagina out of whack. Oh...wait...

Michael5000 said...

I've noticed that it really seems to cut into people's free time.

Mr. Shife said...

Hi Dr. Ken.

Sista said...

Pro: Your nephews can have cousins - and not be cousinless freaks like you and your sister are.