Wednesday, August 12, 2015

New Beer Vendor Hated By Wrigley's 500 Level Seats

I took my good friend, Beatnik, to a Chicago Cubs baseball game last night in my season ticket seats.  My Cubbies are on a roll, by the way, having won 11 of their last 12 games including last nights defeat of the Milwaukee Brewers.  But you can look statistics like that up elsewhere.  What you come here for is the minutia of meaningless and hopefully funny observations of everyday life of your good friend, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Myself and the three other buddies in our season tickets package have a beer vendor in our section that we dislike and don't buy from anymore as a result.  He made one off-handed comment in response to a simple clarification question we had about what inning/time they stopped selling beer that was something to the effect of "What is this your first game?"  We didn't take kindly to it, and over the years we have built up an irrational hatred and talk about things we would like to do to the man we call Walt Disney (due to a slight resemblance), such as curb stomp him like in "American History X."  Would we ever do such a thing?  Of course not.  It's just our sense of humor to grossly exaggerate and crack each other up when we're texting each other when one of us can't be at the game live.

("That's right, Bambi!  Bite that prick's shoulder off!")
Now, not buying from Walt is really something silly we like to maintain as tradition and superstition. Our hatred for a new beer vendor in our section is quite genuine and shared by our entire section.  This new guy is an overweight older gentleman who refuses to walk up the few steps into the 500 level sections.  He will, however, walk downwards a few steps into the more expensive 400 level seats, which to me goes beyond laziness and into some sort of class debate, showing preferential treatment to those more fortunate.  It could very well turn into a working class rebellion by the time the playoffs arrive, but only time will tell.

I am not saying he won't sell to us, but he will only do so by passing beers and exchanging money right up the seats.  I have never seen this done.  You see, a beer vendor can go up or down and aisle and pass things down a row.  That is fine, and that is how it has always been done.  This lazy son of a gun doesn't use any rows or aisles.  What he does, in effect, is instead of just disrupting one row of people, he makes up to ten rows stop what they're doing to pass a beer upwards, awkwardly reaching behind and passing over shoulders.  Lots of beer can be spilled that way, and that's perhaps the biggest tragedy of this guy's horrible technique.  It's really ticking off not only other customers but other beer vendors have shot me looks in agreement when I show frustration as if to say, "You believe this guy?"

(Even in Japan they pass down the aisles, not up the seats.  And check out that Samurai cup scabbard!)
Beyond just not buying his beer, where do I go from here?  I was thinking I could take to Twitter and start lambasting the guy on there to raise awareness.  Any other thoughts on how to get this guy fired or at the very least demoted to hot dog vending?  

9 comments:

James Douglas Morrison said...

We need a nickname for that old guy, he is so lazy and at $8 a beer I don't want half of it spilled. Letting lose a rabid deer that will attack Walt would be a fitting ending for him.

Gorilla Bananas said...

How about persuading another beer vendor to service the upper seats? Another issue is the compensation structure - are they paid according to the amount of beer they sell? If not, you may have to tip Mr Fatman's rival.

Jimmy Fungus said...

Yeah definitely I have ideas. Just record him with your phone engaging in all this douchey behavior then make it into a youtube video... or if there are some really entertaining clips, put them on vine.co.. Heck, here's another idea, you could have the background music for the vid be "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Imagine being some old, fat slob and you've got to sell beer at the Cubs game to put milk in the 'fridge. Pretty sore excuse for a life. I'm not defending this chump. I'm just saying he's in a bad place.

My Indians suck wind, as they do every year, but they're beating the shit out of the Yankees this week, which makes me very happy, indeed.

Vapid Vixen said...

I've only been to one professional baseball game in my life as part of a work thing. The most exciting part of the whole experience for me was leaving my seat to go stand in line to buy my own beer. No vendors wandering the aisles, doling out goodness. Maybe it's illegal in Utah? Or maybe it wasn't even a professional game? Maybe it was hockey? *shrug*

Kenneth Noisewater said...

JDM: So true. He needs a nickname, but sometimes when people suck so hard you can't even assign a name. "That guy" is all that needs to be said. Release TWO rabid deers . . .

Gorilla: They for sure make more money the more they sell, and passing the beer up the middle of the section is a WAY longer process than if he just walked up the aisle a few steps. He really is terrible.

Fungus: Making him into a youtube clip is a fabulous idea, and anything with "Hair of the Dog" sounds good.

Exile: I sort of see what your saying, but there is an older and more frail guy who gets it done just fine. I saw Cleveland beat Oakland in Oakland. The place wasn't even a third full, but we made it fun.

Vapid: Some stadiums have no vendors. Fenway Park doesn't have them, and that city LOVES to drink. Go figure. I think in Utah they have wife vendors going around . . .

billy pilgrim, knight of the woeful countenance. said...

i've been so preoccupied watching the jays that i didn't notice how well the cubs were doing. i always liked maddon, probably the black horn rimmed glasses has something to do with it.

Mr. Shife said...

I wish I could offer some advice but as a Cardinals fan you know I can't. Best of luck Dr. Ken and congrats again on getting hitched. Hope the married life is going well.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Billy: Jays are on a roll! As the last remaining Canadian team and one that hasn't been good in so long, I am actually pulling for them more than anyone besides my beloved Cubbies.

Shife: Oh, I have given up on catching the Cardinals. Just gotta get in those playoffs . . .