Monday, August 08, 2016

Where the Sidewalk Ends: Beware of Ditches and Horny Weirdos

My dad was out for a walk around the neighborhood the other day on the street due to the fact that there was no sidewalk during that stretch. Suddenly he sees a woman dash out onto the street to stop him.  He thought there might be some kind of emergency, but instead she says, "Have you found Jesus?" This was not the kind of conversation Kenneth Sr. wanted to be involved in during his morning walk, but like his son, he is really nice to weirdos who want to talk to him and has a hard time getting out of those situations.

She told him that she was an alcoholic for a number of years and is lucky to be alive, and that the only way she ever got clean and sober was to find Jesus. She said that one time she was so drunk that she fell in a ditch. She then pointed out the very ditch that she fell into. I suggested that one way out of that situation would be that the two of them could go get a closer look at the ditch, Kenneth Sr. could shove her in said ditch, and run like hell. I'm sure he considered it as she went on-and-on, especially when she said, "You have such nice curly hair. Would you like to come inside for a cup of coffee?" I laughed my ass off when I heard this. The seamless segue from the curly hair to invite inside could only mean that she has given up "the sauce," but she has not given up her other vice: flagging down strange men on the street and doing sex to them.

The situation was getting very strange to say the least, but he was saved when crazy lady saw the streets and sanitation man approaching and said, "Oooh, he is a recovering alcoholic like me. I have to go talk to him." That was Kenneth Sr.'s cue: He ran like hell. He has not been able to run properly lately for years due getting older and nagging injuries. However, on this day he ran faster than he did in those track meets in high school he was always telling my sister and I about.

Kenneth Sr. now takes a slightly different route on his walks. Here is the usual route he had been doing for years now.


And pictured below is the route he now takes every morning.


What do you think, friends? Anyone have any weirdos in their neighborhood or anywhere else that you find yourself avoiding?

10 comments:

E. Rosewater said...

i find taking a german shepherd/pitbull cross with me puts the shoe on the other foot. i don't have to avoid the loonies, they avoid me.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Rosewater: That probably does the trick. I would train my dog to bite born-agains that try to force their religion on me. Maybe not bite. Just growl, perhaps.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Aren't you proud of your old man for being such a hit with a ladies? Well, the crazy ladies anyway. If he sees her again, he should turn down coffee at her place but
let her massage his shoulders. That's a fair compromise, no? A shoulder massage can't be bad, even from a crazy lady.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Crazy women are often very good with their hands, but I don't think my mom would not be cool with any physical contact between the two of them (Aside from shoving her into the ditch).

mistress maddie said...

The last person that popped out of a bush and said 'Have you found Jesus?" I replied with yes, he got me drunk and took advantage of me one night!!! My neighbors? I live in New Hope...land of the quirky and camp so draw your own ending on this one,lol!

Mr. Shife said...

Awesome story and even more awesome because of the illustrations. Thanks Dr. Ken. Best of luck to Kenneth Sr. on his excursions. And you are mentioned by name on my most recent blog post because I failed in your request to take pictures of me and Tank having fun while the kids were away. Sorry buddy.
Just enjoy the Cubs kicking the shit the Cardinals this weekend.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

We tied the Cardinals this week. The Cards really get up for these games. When you're the best team in baseball, everyone you play is playing like it's the World Series. Just glad we got Madden to keep there kids grounded and keep their minds right. Glad you enjoyed the post, and thanks for the mention. Give my regards to Tank Diesel Shife.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

We tied the Cardinals this week. The Cards really get up for these games. When you're the best team in baseball, everyone you play is playing like it's the World Series. Just glad we got Madden to keep there kids grounded and keep their minds right. Glad you enjoyed the post, and thanks for the mention. Give my regards to Tank Diesel Shife.

The Grand Wave said...

I live in Brooklyn, and my neighborhood is full of the crazies. We've got a Russian lady who lives down the street that is friends with ALL of the cats. There are also a lot of people who like to sit on my stoop and do copious amounts of drugs at all hours of the day. I was going to work last week around 7:45 a.m. and there were two people sitting there that were super wiped out. Not cool. We also have lots of the Jesus people. The worst are the ones who look normal and come up and ask if you've ever heard of god the mother and then won't leave you alone. Those are the ones to look out for. However, none of them have ever hit on me.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Grand: Ha! Sounds like your part of town has lots of character. My brother-in-law lives in Brooklyn, and the orthodox Jewish folks are rocking it quite a bit in his part of town. I always think of Krusty the Clown's dad when I see them. You have to start blogging again, dude!