Saturday, May 06, 2017

The Captain Costco Kid

While I'm pushing Baby Erik in a shopping cart into my local Costco today I see a family of four coming in as well. They consisted of a father, a mother, a son dressed in every day little kid clothes . . . and then another boy in a full God damned Captain America costume. I'm not saying that he had a t-shirt with the emblem on it because that would be completely acceptable.

(That one hand in the pocket with the thumb out always lets the ladies know you're a man about town and a little dangerous. In fact, the thumb of this Captain America points right to his very own "captain" if you look closely.)
No, I'm talking head-to-toe tights with built in fake muscles and a mask. A mask! Your kid isn't Zoro, The Lone Ranger, or any other masked avenger. He is a scrawny little son of urban yuppies, and you're allowing him to make a decision to break all social norms for no better reason than he thinks he's special. Well, he's not. Let's put it this way: Do you want him doing his grocery shopping in an outfit like that when he is 30? No, because then he would likely be insane or some sort of village idiot.
This wasn't exactly the costume, but it was the closest I could find. The kid had no shield, but if he did I would have thrown some cheese at him to test his blocking skills.
Here are the scenarios I came up with that could explain why a family would allow their son to run around thinking he is a pint-sized crime fighter on an otherwise typical Saturday morning in Chicago.

1. It's his birthday.
At first I thought maybe it's cool to let the young man wear the get-up of his favorite comic book hero once a year, but then it occurred to me that there already is a day that the little rascal can do that; It's called Hallo-Fricking-Ween. One day is enough, kid. Don't push it. Halloween is the day where tons of kids, and even adults, are out in costume. So on that day you look perfectly normal dressed like that. But on days that don't fall on October 31st you look like a little dork. I'm sorry, but it's true.

2. Maybe the kid has severe behavior problems and wouldn't leave the house unless he got to dress as Captain America.
Well, if this is what is going on, mommy and daddy might as well piss on the fire and call in the dogs because this young man is running that household. Why can't they just say no to his outfit choice for the day? Are they scared he will throw his plastic shield at them? He's 7 for Christ's sakes. Just because he dresses like one does not mean he is that captain of that family.

3. He wants to have big muscles.
You're just going to have to put in the time at the gym like the rest of us, little fella. We all can't just slip on a muscle suit. What kind of message does it send to him if he thinks he can skip all those sit-ups for those wash board abs and just key up and rush deliver a muscle suit on Amazon? I read once where Sylvester Stallone commented on when action movies took a turn for the worse: "It was the first Batman movie. The action movies changed radically when it became possible to Velcro your muscles on. I wish I had thought of Velcro muscles myself. I didn't have to go to the gym for all those years." So, you want to know why you suck, kid? Just ask Sly.

So what to you think, friends? Would you allow this sort of clothing choice for your kid? Also, what are you up to this weekend, oh captain my captains? . . .

So here is a picture from today of Erik (on the right) and his homeboy Diego (on the left).  Earlier, Erik saw the Captain America Kid. Hardly a good excuse to post a baby photo, but they're cute, huh?


mistress maddie said...

Well, I'm not one to ask for advice on this one I'm afraid. Last time my man was here we dressed like Batman and Robin and acted out fantasies.

But other wise hell no my kids would not wear that out except of Halloween.

jena said...

1) don't comment on someone else's parenting tactics unless you want strangers commenting on yours.
2) maybe the kid had overcome a fear, completed potty training, did a chore that this was the promised outcome.
3) why give this much of a fuck about what anyone--especially a child--is wearing to the grocery store?

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mistress: Were you Batman or Robin?

Jena: Maybe the tone didn't come across like I hoped. I was going for an over the top reaction for a laugh. No, I don't actually get mad about stuff like this. Thanks for coming by.

mistress maddie said...

Ken....As much as I love Robin's ensemble, I had to go Batman. The Lad is shorter than I. It was interesting, I 'll say that much. And with a utility belt and rubber suit, , it doesn't allow much room to huh, shift things, shall I say. But the Lad seemed to have a good time.

LL Cool Joe said...

I say good for the kids and the parents. I think we should all wear just what we want and the more extreme the better. Self expression is very important.

Gorilla Bananas said...

They could be spoiling him - or maybe they just think he looks cute. He won't feel so special when other kids call him 'Captain Asshole'.

Vapid Vixen said...

Ah haha. Captain Asshole! Doesn't bother me at all. Unless the kid was throwing a fit and they caved just to avoid a tantrum, it would probably make me smile seeing a little dressed up anything wandering around looking completely out of place.
I think this is the first I've seen of your little babe. He's adorable! And excuses to post pictures aren't necessary. In fact, words aren't even necessary!

Kono said...

Yeah man i'm with the herd here, who gives a shit what the kids wears, i've always let the boyos dress themselves and sometimes that shit was comical but who cares, be who you are and not what "society" expects, it's more fun that way... and yeah maybe the tone was off a bit, it happens... i often tell the boyos that while they are the best thing since sliced bread to their old man the rest of the universe cares fuck all about them and to remember that in the big, bad, world... and i think i remember some guy who dropped acid, dressed up like Ziggy Stardust and went to Subway, thinking i might try that again and hit the Costco, the sample ladies would be freaked out!!!

Mr. Shife said...

After being a parent for almost 8 years, I have learned that sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to get the kids out the door as long as it isn't too horrific. Kyle and Hayden have gone shopping with me wearing much worse outfits.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mistress: Atta boy. I'm sure you were a solid Batman. You are NO man's sidekick.

L.L.: Right on. Thanks for weighing in.

Gorilla: Seems like you see it my way, but most think I'm evil for questioning the parents of this would-be superhero. Crushing his little dreams. Jesus, I'm a real shit sometimes.

Vapid: If he threw a fit, then it would be hilarious to me. Captain America causing a scene in aisle 4! Call security, or Iron Man . . .

Kono: I'm all for you waltzing into the Costco in your full Ziggy regalia because you're an adult. But I still say the adults need to help the kiddos out a little here. My kid wants to wear a potato sack, so we want him to be free to express himself and . . . . crappola. Maybe it's not a satyrical piece that I've done. Maybe I really do hate that these parents let them parade this kid around like that. Who knows. I'm pretty fucked up I guess. Hey, love when you come by. Love your page.

Shife: Well, if we had a Starscream outfit on either one, that's fine. Just no Cardinals stuff. Hahaha. Cubs and Cards playing this weekend at Busch. Wait, a woman was hit by a bullet at Busch a couple weeks ago. What the heck????????

Jimmy Fungus said...

Maybe the kid was just really patriotic?