Thursday, February 09, 2006
Big Bangs, The Environment, and Republicans: The Oneness
I wake up every day to 780 AM, a local Chicago radio station that I stumbled on. They do a hell of a job at shooting through the news stories and not annoying me, which is good, because I’m VERY easily in annoyed in the morning. It’s a super station, but it’s not the station I’m writing about; it’s the content on this particular morning.
The DJ, or newscaster, or whatever you want to call him, was saying that the economy has been boosted in recent months due to an increase in shopping, believed to be because of the warmer weather. This is an equation that Republicans have to love: A rise in global warming causes a spike in the economy. Wow! Republicans are typically apathetic, perhaps even adversarial, when it comes to the environment, so this seems like a win-win situation for them.
Hold on! Don’t leave me yet, readers. I’m not usually political in my writing. I’d say it’s more focused on writing on all things useless. Now comes the useless, absurd part that you’ve grown accustomed to. Would if Republicans dropped the “War on Terror” and launched a campaign called, “The War on the Environment.” The first strike would be, naturally, a long overdue, direct assault on the ominous, shopping reducing ozone layer. The CIA would fly out to New Jersey to round up all the girls that swore by “jersey hair,” which is the style in which they tease their hair 1 foot in the air. God, I’m glad I was only in junior high at the time this was big, so that I never had to sleep with a girl rocking this God-awful look. If I could post pictures with my crappy internet, I’d find a picture for you by digging out my junior high yearbook, openning up a page at random, and blindly pointing. Odds are I would hit a girl with at least a foot of bangs straight up in the air donning a NKOTB shirt. If you don’t know who NKOTB is, all I’ll say is, they are no longer “hanging tough,” nor were they at the time in my estimation. My advanced sense of humor buddy wore a “Nuke Kids on the Block” shirt with a big mushroom cloud. Tom, big ups to you and your 12-year-old inner child for having the juevos to wear that to school, knowing that you’d piss off all the hottest girls who were in love with Jordan, Donny, and the rest of NKOTB. Perhaps Tom, like me, just didn’t find that hair attractive. Personally, it was all I could do not to reach over and crack a fistful of the straw-like hair in two. Not to be mean, just because once I got the thought in my head, I couldn’t get it out.
Yikes! Mammoth tangent. Back to the CIA and “Operation Jersey Girls.” These jersey girls, thinking that style of hair would be en vogue forever, and now hoping against hope that the style would come back, still have cases of Aqua Net in the basement of their mom’s house, where many of them still live. The CIA would, through threats of releasing tapes of their shocking behavior backstage at a 1990 Poison show, coerce them all into driving to an open field at 4 am and spraying ALL of their Aqua Net into the air. The CIA would provide the biggest fan known to man to blow it directly at that ozone layer, delivering the crushing blow that will lead us all to shop until we drop, and drop we will when we all get skin cancer and die, but we’ll look great in our Speedo’s, which will come back into fashion due to necessity, and the economy will be rock solid. Sting, if you’re reading, stop this nightmare from becoming a reality! Better yet, just shut up and get The Police back together before you’re too old and embarrassing.