Chronic Case of Guitar Envy

I have a chronic case of guitar envy. I think I’ve had this affliction ever since I made a guitar out of cardboard and played along to “Save a Prayer,” of all songs, by Duran Duran when I was like 7.

It is a really irritating disease because I come up with these unbelievable ideas, but I have never even come close to mustering up the ambition to pick up a guitar and try to learn one God damned note. One idea I just had was a version of Without You by Badfinger. You know, it would start out all slow, acoustic, heartfelt, and puss-rocked out like:

Well I can’t forget this evening
And your face when you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows

Well I can’t forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
I had you there, then I let you go
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know . . .

(Then the drum fill kicks in, the guitars get all crunchy and loud, and the singer starts SCREAMING!)

I can’t live!
If living is without you!
Can’t live!
Can’t give anymore!

(Then I think maybe the singer should curse through the chorus like this):

You’re a bitch!
You’re a dirty, stinking bitch!
You’re a bitch!
You scum-sucking bitch!

Jeez, this Idea sounded way better until I wrote it out. Well, I still think if you REALLY sold it, then it could bring the house down. My little imaginary band in my head is doing an extended jam version of this number right now live at the Empty Bottle. I’m the guy stage right, rocking the cardboard Stratocaster with my hair all teased up like Andy Taylor.