Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Birf' of a Salesman

Not many of you know this, but I was in the education field for the last few years. Even less of you know this, but I resigned and started recruiting for advertising firms. One day it dawned on me that if I taught all my life, I would die penniless. Plus, I would never be compensated for how hard I worked. In sales type jobs, you do get paid for how hard you work, and while I've been working my tail off, I haven't made squat yet.

People always tell me I'd be good in sales, because I'm funny, personable, likable, and trust-worthy. These are all true, and they do translate well into sales. However, I have some draw-backs that aren't as obvious to everyone, but they are becoming very clear as I get further entrenched into the corporate world. I'm unorganized, scatter-brained, forgetful, and I have bad anxiety.

I'm getting better every day, but there were a few days where I didn't think I could hack it. Have you ever had a job where you felt like an idiot all day at work, and every second outside of work all you can think about is having to go back there?

For example:

Let's say you're a Bearded Lady, and you keep flaking out and shaving every morning.

Or let's say you're a Belly-Dancer, and you keep blowing on your partner's belly.

Or let's say you're a Cannibal, and you keep filling up on roasted chicken with butter sauce.

Or let's say you're a Skin-Head, you strongly dislike The Jews, but you just can't bring yourself to hate them.

On any given day, I feel like any one of those guys above. However, I'm starting to see myself being damn good at some stuff, especially cold calling, which I have to do a lot of until I have more regular clients. The thing about ad people though, is they're a cool bunch. I mean, they're really boss! Sometimes I'll bullshit with them for quite some time, and it seems like a lot of them drink a lot too, which is jolly-good for The Gancer. My plan is to hit a Chicago advertising happy-hour with a shit-ton of business cards, schmooze, and booze.

Just today I met a girl on the phone, and even though I've never seen her, I feel pretty confident saying that she was really, damn hot. I mean, for fuck's sake, she's an account planner in Los Angeles named Nik. Not Nicole, not Nikki, just Nik. We chatted for a while and she emailed me back with a bunch of her friends' names who I could, in-turn, talk out of working wherever they are. She just took a new job, but she's keeping me in mind, and she said, "I think I'm going to like you." That's what I'm talking about. Are any of my blog buddies from L.A., because I smell a business trip in my near future?

Well, here are your questions. Answer one or both of them:

1. Tell me a about a job at which you were useless as tits on a bull.
2. Anyone know anyone in advertising anywhere in the country who may want to make a job change? Email me at

-The Gancer


Anonymous said...

well since I am writing to you from australia - and I am a single mum with three kids and I haven't had a job in almost 10 years and I have been doing a degree at uni for nearly seven years with no sign of graduation anytime soon - and I don't know anybody who works in tv, advertising, marketing or infact any corporation in any field, anywhere, in America, I think I can safely say that my commenting to you right now is about as worthy as tits on a bull.

But it sure was fun!

Good luck with your smooshzing and boozing :)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

1. My current job falls into that category. I do just enough work to keep myself from being fired.

2. Sign me up! I could sell tits to a bull!

Mood Indigo said...

Funny - I just took my first job in sales (software). And, much like my last job (and the one before that), I pretty much suck at it. But it's not because I'm not a good salesperson - they hired me on the spot with no experience in either software or sales after I helped them out at a trade show for a few days - but that I just don't CARE about it. That happens to be the vice in the side of my work ethic - if I care, I'll work myself to the bone, if I don't, you might as well be paying me to blog...

Legaleagle said...

I've only had one job where I was completely useless -- as a babysitter. I shouldn't be allowed around children.

Fever Dog said...

I once had a job cold-calling people to get them to show an interest in "fascias, soffits and guttering". I didn't know then and I'm still not sure what a soffit was. I was the guy everyone hates "I'm not selling anything, I'm just doing a survey...".

I did not get one sale out of it. I quit before they could fire me in the first week -- and even then didn't have the courage to just quit, I called them and said my Dad had been in an accident and I now needed to be home to look after him.

Sadly, I don't know anyone that works in advertising, in any country. But I'm looking for a new job if you want to recruit me into...something.

Last of all, you sound like you're good at your job to me.

Drunken Chud said...

caddy. i was a caddy when i was a kid and it was the gayest job ever. we got paid like 7bucks per nine holes plus tip. so if you made a full round that was around $20. for 4-5 hours of work. which wasn't bad. i mean, shit minimum wage back then was like 3.95 or something, plus i was 12, but the shitty part was the waiting around. you could wait 8 hours and not get a round. it was a waste of fucking time and effort. plus, every time i was out on the course, i wanted to be playing, not watching some old ass bastard shank his shots into god knows where then yell at his wife cuz it was her fault.

Diesel said...

I know Nik. 'She' was in my fraternity.

Eve said...

I taught children English. I still sometimes (about once a year) have nightmares about it. You know, I think it's funny when they misbehave! Not great for disciplining though.

Oh, and my first job ever, I worked for Illinois PIRG door-knocking. I did this for four days.

I don't know ad people though. Do you have any interview acing tips?

classyandfancy said...

I worked at Ghiradelli's off of Michigan Avenue for one day. When I walked though the door the girl training me said, "You are going to hate it here." She was right. I guess I couldn't deal with all that ice cream residue all up on my bizness and that I had to be cheery all the time.

Scary Monster said...

Me worked for a gay florist once. He weren't even a real florist. He sold silk floral arrangements in painted corrugated cardboard vases. Even tits on a bull gots more use than Me did at that job.


BottleBlonde said...

Great post. I can SO RELATE.

One of my first jobs as a teenager was working at a country club in their tennis pro shop. I knew jack shit about tennis, and I was expected to know how to clean clay tennis courts. Suffice it to say, when I realized that I royally fucked up the clay tennis courts by forgetting to 'water' and line them, I quit.

Steph said...

When I was 15 working in McDonalds, I would turn up there to buy a burger and the manager would be all "What are you doing? you were rostered to start an hour ago". D'oh!

I gave so much free food away that I think I could have made them bankrupt.
Good times.

Jenny! said...

So if your so good at all this cold calling come you cant get in the pants of the 4 hot chicks in yoru building???

Airam said...

You wouldn't die completely penniless. You'd always make enough money to buy Spam.

I would make the worst saleswoman. I'd feel bad trying to convince someone to buy something because I hate it when people are pushy with me.

phishez_rule said...

I've never had a job where I felt like that. I'm a winner.

But I sure as hell felt like that at the beginning of this job. And I hate it because its too menial for me. Not being arrogant, but I can be better and do so much more.

BTW, PMSL at Betty.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Boob Hugger: You have had a job for the past ten years: Raising 3 kids on your own. That's no small task.

Mighty: Yeah, you update that blog of your's so much, I don't see how you could get any actual work done.

Mood: You're not passionate about software? But it's so exciting!!

Legal: The kids lived didn't they?

Fever: We have to find Dr. Johnny Fever a job. That's what I'm calling you now, by the way.

Chud: The only thing more boring than golfing is watching someone else golf. However, if he yells at his wife every so often, that might hold my interest.

Nik: Nik isn't a tranny! You take that back!!

Eve: That was my problem with the kids too. I'd laugh when they'd make fun of the teachers too, because I hated their teachers as much as them.

Classy: I like how the girl training you comes out and tells you that you were going to hate it. I'd say that's a bad sign.

Scary: Wow. A gay pseudo-florist's assistant. That may be the worst job I've heard yet.

Blond: You fucked up the clay. Hahahahhaha.

Steph: I was never good at remembering schedules either. I'd also show up when I wasn't supposed to work.

Jenny: I'm going to make that happen. Next time I bump into her I'm putting myself out there. By that I mean exposing my schlong to her.

Airam: I do shop at Aldi, but I don't buy spam. I was thinking about doing an Aldi post. Do you all have Aldi?

Phish: Help me out here. What in the world is PMSL???

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Nevermind. Just looked it up.

PMSL: Pissed Myself Laughing.

Myself is one word though, so it really should be PML. Hmmmm. . . . .

Airam said...

I've never heard of it but we may have it. Not sure.

ADW said...

I am the tits on the bull.

My new word is bulltit.

I'm a little off today, but the best part of business is the after hours socializing - great plan.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

I may have been the worst cheesesteak cook ever. I couldn't keep up, I was always putting on the wrong cheese, and cut myself deeply on a regular basis.

captain corky said...

I got fired by my mother once for weight lifting instead of doing my job. How fucking lame is it to get fired by your own mom? Not many people can say that, but Captain Corky can. ;)

non-Blondie said...

Oh man, so my excuse that my sister had gone into a diabetic coma so I could quit my telemarketing job isnt that original? I'm shattered.

My current job is fine except that it quite dull but once a month its completely hectic and irritating.

Got no advice or useful contacts for your job search though...good luck!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Airam: I'd look into it. I spent 40 bucks there the other day, and my highest priced item was $2.40. I shit you not.

Hooters: Bulltit!! It's catchy . . .

Chuck: I cut myself pretty bad when I was a dishwasher. Always bad when you're too embarrassed to show anyone, so keep wrapping it up, and you're getting light-headed, because you've lost a lot of blood, but you don't want to bleed onto any of the dishes . . .

Captain: Yikes. "Son, you're fired. And you're grounded. See you at home."

Non: I'd believe that story. It's very original. I'll say that for it.