Sunday, September 09, 2007

Kick to the Nuts

There are four young, attractive pre-med girls living in the unit below mine, and for the last few months, I've been a little bit in love with the Asian one. A month or so back, her and the Chesty One went out with the my fireman roommate and myself. Evidently, Chesty One had a crush on Fireman, so it was like Asian and myself were wing-people. By the end of the night, Chesty was no longer into Fireman, but Asian and I really seemed to hit it off. Because I was just trying to play Goose to my roomy's Maverick, I wasn't even trying very hard, which is probably why I was so money. Wait, Goose and Maverick were in the same plane. I suppose I was the Maverick to his Ice Man. Wait, Maverick was always leaving his wing man, and getting reprimanded for it. Let's just say I was the Wolfman to his Hollywood.* Anyway, I felt like her and I were no doubt enjoying each other's company, but I in no way thought there was much interest in either direction. That is until I found myself thinking about her before I went to bed that night, immediately the next morning, and periodically for the months to come.

Having a thing for your neighbor is a tough spot to be in, because even though I'm almost positive there's some interest on her end, if I'm wrong and go for it, I run the risk of feeling like a nimrod every time I say hello to her while taking out the trash. For this reason, and because we have opposite schedules, I hadn't talked to her in a while, but tonight I texted her to tell her we were going to a bar near our apartment. She called back to tell me they were going to SoPo, and I must have really been digging on her to show my face in that yuppy, guys in striped-shirts, girls in tube-tops shit-hole. When I get in there she's all in my fries. Before long she's grinding upon me like there's a piece of flint on my package and she desperately needs to make a spark.

Then a bunch of dudes these girls know show up, and before long she's dancing with the Big Headed One. He's show-boating by shaking his butt (not well in my estimation), and her dumb-ass is eating it up. After watching her neglect my friend and myself for some time, my BFF and I excuse ourselves, and she doesn't even say, like, "You sure you have to go?" It's just a flippant "thanks for coming," and right back she goes to her fucking, Goodyear Blimp-headed, fuck-stick guy.

BFF and I then went back to his house for one last beer and the last 45 minutes of Swingers. Jeez-Louise that movie is still great! I was enjoying the flick, but then every couple of minutes I'd get pissed about the whole neighbor thing.

Well, I take solace in the fact that she was gladly singing along to an O.A.R. song. They're a poor man's Dave Mathews band, and I don't even like Dave Matthews, which puts them in the destitute range. Any girl with taste that poor couldn't hang with The Gancer long term.

But she is fucking, damn cute. I was replaying the events in my head, and having spurts of anger on my walk home too. You ever get that? You know, where you do crazy shit like smack a stop sign as hard as you can for no acceptable reason? Then I get home and see some dude and one of the neighbors, squatted down, kanoodling on the porch. My heart sank, but a closer look revealed the couple to be not Asian Neighbor, but Chesty Neighbor and Ben (a guy with a cranium size closer to the national average). I know his name because when these girls were still being cool to me tonight (they declared me their favorite neighbor around this time) Chesty asked me to evaluate Ben when he got to the bar. Well, with or without my endorsement, I think Uncle Ben is giving her the San Francisco treat as I type this poorly-written, drunken paragraph. Wait, Rice-A-Roni is the San Francisco treat. Oh well. Fuck it.

Hey, Seven Readers, have you ever had a person of the opposite sex on the horizon, and then suddenly it doesn't work out and you're left with a bleak-ass horizon? Well, my horizon is slightly bleaker, but if she likes O.A.R, chodes like the guy she was dancing with, and being prone to sudden-onset, being overwhelmingly unneighborly, then maybe I'm not missing out on too much.

P.S.: Scary Monster, and I suppose anyone else who read and were too scared/disgusted to comment, was privy to the original, drunker, angrier, more depressed version of this post, because this morning I took out some of the scarier lines and smoothed out the edges.

*If you haven't seen Top Gun a few dozen times like me, then you're going to be more than a little lost during this section.


Scary Monster said...

Man, you could be lookin at this all the wrong way. She just might be diggin you, but wants to make you all crazy and grovel for her attention. Ya just cain't let a chick, no matter how cute she is, shake yer tree like that. Be straight with her and stay cool. Tell her that ya had a decent time , but was surprised that she didn't feel like spending more of it with you. You are, after all, the Gancer. tel her that you thought she was smart enough to be able to figure out that she was missing out on something good. Act really surprised and "hey it's cool"about the whole thing and she'll be smacking stop signs and wondering what she missed out on. Sounds ridiculous, but it works.

Stay Stompy.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You say she's Asian? Dip your wang in duck sauce and wave it around in front of her. She'll think it's an egg roll and gobble you up.

mysterygirl! said...

How old are these girls? Not to alienate your younger readers, but if they're 25 or under, they are more likely to be easily wooed by d-bags. That's just a fact of youth and inexperience (and it's actually more excusable if she is younger-- a girl in her late 20s+ shouldn't be so lame anymore). I'm sure you've already shaken it off, but don't worry about her if she's too dumb to get it. Soon she'll be inviting you out again and you can turn her down.

I too sometimes get much angrier than the circumstances merit (no stop sign punching, though). It's hard when there's nobody of interest on the horizon, but when you're least expecting it, POW, someone cool will appear. I have faith in Dr. K.

Bear the fuck down.

Drunken Chud said...

dude, seriously, you were the maverick to his cougar. i mean, seriously, his ego was writing checks that his ass couldn't cash in a plane that he didn't even own, NAY the taxpayers owned it, just to go back to help poor frozen with fear cougar who was low on fuel AND confidence. yes my friend, that wingman was you.

anyhow, about the chick, i have had that shit happen before. i was certain she was into me and then BAM! along comes some chachi that has an open mouth look of stupidity and a von dutch shirt and off they go. fuckin women.

Jenny! said...

I think Dyck has a fantastic idea...she won't be able to resist!

I had a really hard time keeping up with this one...Chesty sounds like the one I would want to bang! Strike that Fireman sounds hot too!

Something will pop up besides your wang when you least expect it!

Legaleagle said...


You should never date a woman with crappy taste in music. Seriously, you may have relations with her and that may be genetic, which means you would bring a complete douche into the world. That's just too much of a risk to take.

Besides, any girl who can't appreciate the obvious talent you have in being able to recall apparently every line from Top Gun isn't worth your time. She's a negative, Ghostrider. The pattern is full.

Steph said...

What a hobag! She was using you as a seat warmer until box head came along.

You need to get revenge, yeah I'm petty like that but it works for me.

Anonymous said...

Haha! Thanks for the big laughs at your expense, Maverick!!

Oh that is a bummer of a night...really. But entertaining reading :)
Hope something works out better for you next time.

Eve said...

Of course that's happened before! Jesus. The guy I'm with now, every week was a different thing: he likes me, he doesn't, blah blah blah.

I agree with scary and mg. She might be into you, but she's not sure, has reservations (like you do!) Although, I don't know if talking to her about it is worth it. I mean, you're not dating and it's better to give her the "whatever" vibe. I would invite her over to hang out the next time you cross paths, or maybe text her to come up for some food or something? Like when you order pizza, invite her up. Low-key, no pressure, ambiguous.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

Chodes? Awesome verb creation. But what does it mean?

Airam said...

She's a slutty bitch and consider yourself lucky. You probably dodged an STD.

sid said...

Wow you must really like this girl. I would have loved to have read the original version of this story. Oh and its not only women that treat men like sh*t!!

captain corky said...

Doc, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you and BFF are going to Top Gun... But this broad cant think your hopelessly in love with her or we're going to have kick you out of Top Gun. We have a rep to protect. Dig?

Lori Mocha said...

My life is a bleak horizon.

Miss Smack said...

hey honey. I just wanted to drop by and say hello and ask you what your favourite Reindeer Section song is?

Its a tough choice, but for me, its Cartwheels or Your sweet Voice. I think.

xx Much luv

ReckenRoll said...

I am with MG. Please please tell me this girl is under the age of 25. That's such an immature little game to play.

Kadonkadonk said...

Who the fuck is O.A.R.?

And seriously, if you had a great night with this chick and then didn't call her for 'awhile', what the fuck did you expect to happen? It sounds like you missed your window of opportunity. She was in to you, you didn't make a move, so she assumed you weren't in to her but you are still a cool guy so she invites you out. Yeah, she also sounds a little slutty, but come on, what Asian girl isn't?

5 of 9er said...

Top Gun was a terrible movie.

Anonymous said...

That sucks. Wish I coulda read the earlier post. I can't picture you hitting a stop sign. Hey, we know that people who treat other people like that aren't worth it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Scary: Are you honored that you saw the drunker, angrier version?

Mighty: That's a though, but I think she's more of a sweet and sour gal.

Mystery: Girls seem to take a while to learn what an a-hole looks like. The Bears SUCKED yesterday. It was painful.

Chud: Don't fret. I won't lose my "edge" like the ill-fated Cougar.

Jenny: Chesty's not my type, but I'll put in a word with the Fireman for you.

Legal: That would always drive a wedge between us, but as long as a chick is OPEN to new music, I'm cool. She needs to be open to new ideas in other realms as well, ur, I mean . . .

Steph: I DID feel like the waiting room.

Boob Huggy: I have a good feeling about this upcoming weekend, even if it's a slump-buster.

Eve: I'm just scared I'm going to keep throwing out the whatever vibe, and she'll get picked up by some a-hole doctor.

Chuck: I tried to make a link to the chode definition, but I couldn't find a good one. There are two acceptable definitions:
1. A penis that is as wide as it is long, like half a beer can.
2. The space between your ball-bag and your ass. Also called the 'taint, since it 'taint your balls and it 'taint your ass.

Airam: Yeah. I just can't dodge my yellow fever . ..

Sid: Yeah. I'm still digging. She texted me the next day.

Cork: I'm not hopelessly in love. I'm just heavily digging. Are you the Top Gun instructor?

Lori: Don't say that! Go get yourself a slump-buster this weekend. Thanks for coming by my site! I hope you next visit finds you more optimistic. I have a feeling it will.

Smack: I only have Y'all Get Scared. I love the song Tout Le Monde. You know, when all he says is "anywhere in the world" over and over. Killer.

Reck: She's in that neighborhood.

Kadonk: You are a wise little animal . . . I will make a move. Oh yes . . . I will make a move.

Niner: Of COURSE it was. But it still kicks ass.

Anon: Quite true, but I think she was drunk, and I blew her off a tiny bit too. I should have closed it. Fuckin' big head guy . . .

ADW said...

Awwwww!!11 I abhor Dave Matthews. You want I should hop over to your city and punch her in her head?

Diesel said...

I think I like OAR better than DMB. But then I can't remember any songs by OAR, so maybe that's the point.

It disturbs me how anal you are about your Top Gun references. You're like a Top Gun Star Wars geek, if that makes any sense.

zen wizard said...

As a frequent watcher of "Disorder in the Court," all I can say is, "At least you weren't Curly to his Larry."

It sounds like, however, you were bordering on being Schemp to his Larry, 'cause he appeared to "quit it and forget it," and then he came out of retirement; and bumped you off the proverbial set.

If it is any consolation, Schemp originated what was basically a Beatles haircut twenty years before 1965--so he was vastly ahead of his time.

My head is spinning with these metaphors and I need a Starbucks before I can truly delve into the "empty horizon"-analogy.

But if a neighbor chick shoots you down, every trip to the dumpster is an excercise in humiliation--so that's a bummer, huh?

I would recommend Hefty Lawn Bags with a built in twist tie--to at least reduce the humiliation, somewhat.

And make sure and "clean your plate" if Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks are on the menu at the start of a new bag. Or stock up on Lysol. Baking soda in the bottom of the bag works pretty good on reducing trips to the dumpster, too...

(As you can tell, I have been shot down by the neighbor chick before...)

Another good trick would be to have a hot chick stay over night and take out your garbage in the morning. But if you can pull that off, you should really write a book about how you do it and go across the country giving seminars like in "Hitch"--another good Hollywood reference on this topic.

Loaf said...

Sadly, this has also happened to me more times than I'd like to count; what is it with these bizzare games they have to play?!

I swear next time I'm over we're hitting the town and coming back with a woman on each arm!

Drunken Chud said...

look at it this way mav. cougar lost his edge, he was number 1, you were number 2, now you're number 1. you're getting your dream shot brother, you're going to top gun. which means that the asian neighbor will be all up on your jock. why? cuz you can hold your own. you are lt. pete mitchell, and don't you forget it!

zen wizard said...

I had a great idea: Tell her you are moving, and you "want to take her somewhere for a goodbye dinner because you might not ever see her again."

Then, take her to a cheap-assed Mexican restaurant.

See how it goes and in any event tell her that the deal on the new place fell through so you have to stay there.

Women are really turned on by that, "This is the last time I will see you"-shit. Go figure--you would think if you liked someone, you would WANT to see them again, but that would be logical and we are talking about women, here.

zen wizard said...

Wait--cheap assed THAI restaurant--you get brownie points for "Thai," because women think it's "exotic."

And nothing says, "Never see you again" like "Thailand."

That's why the Old Spice sailor has a woman in every port.

(And you thought it was because he smelled like Old Spice...)

zen wizard said...

Well, nobody else here is giving any more advice--so I guess it is up to me:

After you "hit it" with the first one, make every attempt to pull off the vaunted, "Roommate Switch."

It is sort of hard--you have to sort of play off the inherent cattiness of the females in question: When you hit the first one, the second one will want you, is what I am sayin'.

Very hard to do--sort of like surfing at high tide at Wiamea. But if you can pull it off, you will go down in the annals of Dude-ology.

And it will make for some good jerk-off rehash fantasies when you're fifty.

Drunken Chud said...

zen, i pulled the roommate switch once, i felt so... awesome. well, the one roommate knew about the other, but sadly the first knew not about second. i kept trying to broach the subject so that i could accomplish the highly vaunted roommate threesome. never happened. not sure what went wrong where (holy alliteration batman).

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

ADW: One punch in the head, please. One request though, wear the Hooters outfit when you do it.

Diesel: I'm anal about all my references. Even my references to anal.

Zen: Will you be my guru? I'm going to pull off the hot gal I just laid taking out the garbage trick, and give you full credit. It's going to go like this:

Garbage Hook-Up Girl: Hey, you're Gancer's neighbor?

Asian Neighbor: Yeah.

GHG: You're so lucky! You should let him eat your box some time! He's the best.

AN: I'll keep that in mind.

GHG: Okay, I have to run. He's been trying out this ancient Chinese vagina trick that Zen Wizard taught him.

and, scene . . . .
Loaf: We will get crazy with the ladies. Your accent and my, well, your accent.

Chud: She IS going to be on my jock. I can't fly a plane, but I'll quote that movie, with all its homo overtones, until the cows come home.

Zen: You are FULL of advice, and this is why you're my guru. I will take her out for cheap thai and bang all her roomies one-by-one, or otherwise. Thank you, guru. Thank you.

Chudly: I bet you got some stories, man. Chud and Zen, thanks for having a little discussion on my blogski!!!

Fever Dog said...

I hope you didn't make Top Gun references in front of the girls... But yeah, you are way better off without such a fickle and bad-musically tasting girl.

As for me....pity me, I don't usually get that far.

BottleBlonde said...

I'm with kadonkadonk and mysterygirl. Either you waited too long to contact this chick, or she's a wee lass in her early twenties.

Text her and tell her you'd like her to play your skin flute. If she's in her early twenties, she'll fall for it and you'll be all up in her grill by sundown.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Fever: Of course I didn't make all those Top Gun references in front of girls. Although, in all fairness, I've said far dumber things in front of the fairer sex.

Bottle: Really? A skin flute text. Okay, here goes . . .