Sunday, February 10, 2008

Calcutta Love

In my longest relationship, about 5 years, there were numerous problems, for which we were equally to blame, and one of them was a decline in the quality and quantity of sex. There were nights (any hope for daytime sex was long gone by this point) where I'd be begging and pleading for action. It was at this time that I'd start bartering. Let me take you back to a horny Gancer in the bedroom of that high rise, South Loop apartment, over looking the Sears Tower, only a few years ago:

Gancer: You're filling out that wife beat quite nicely tonight, doll face. How's about you and I doin' what lovers do?
Ex: So not in the mood.
Gancer: Alright, a BJ then?
Ex: Yeah, right.
Gancer: Okay, it was worth a shot. Let's say we go with a handy? You know, a root pull?
Ex: No, Gancer! Come on, I told you about the day I've had. All I want to do is-
Gancer: (Cutting her off. Wasn't listening very intently when she spoke of her day) I would settle for a TF. A quick TF, and I'll be all good. Right as rain. I'll just squirt some lotion on the old fun bags, run my thing in between those bad boys right quick, and I'll even towel you off when we're done. What do you say?
Ex: Come on, Gancer! I told you that today was-
Gancer: (Cutting her off, once again) Fine then. What would you say to a Titty Whack Off Deal (This is when I would fondle her and jerk myself off.)?
Ex: (taking off the filled out wife beat) Fine. Done.
Gancer: Woo hoo!

Is that some of the worst bartering you ever saw? You just know there's a shrewd veteran of the Calcutta market place reading this thinking, "Man, I can't believe he settled for the Titty Whack Off Deal."

I guarantee that if I brought up the Titty Whack Off Deal to The Ex she'd laugh her ass off, and just hearing her laugh, I'd smile. Sadly, that conversation more than likely won't take place, because talking to her is too hard, but I'm glad I can share the bartering story with my blog buddies, who I'm quite pleased to say, can also make me smile.

Wow. That was a corny finish to what was supposed to be one of my funny, perverted posts. Then I go and blow it by writing a Doogie Howser, M.D. send-off. Jeez!

42 comments:

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Ah, the perfect post for the week of Valentine's Day.

I'm sure men across the country can relate as this week they will try to transmute chocolate-in-a-heart-shaped
-box into some long lost bedroom passion.

Good luck, men of America.
Good luck, K-Noise.

Jake Titus said...

Gancer, Somehow I think you have crossed some unknown line by using the term "Titty wack off" and "Doogie Howser" in the same story. Humerous yes, but someday if I find myself with insomnia watching Doogie re-runs on nick at night, it just won't be the same.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

awww, you always know how to tug at my heartstrings (said without a hint of irony). ;-)

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

"....that conversation more than likely won't take place, because talking to her is too hard, but I'm glad I can share the bartering story with my blog buddies..."

Makes me happy we are blog buddies. Cheers!

thisdayandage said...

marriage scares me...and that is part of the reason why. sorry you had to barter, but you were successful at least?

and thanks for sharing with us...we'd all give you a BJ if the opportunity ever arose.

ADW said...

How weird that our posts were on the same day about the same subject. It's a blogystery.

ADW

josh williams said...

Listen to me your post was not pathetic, what was pathetic was the guy taking notes and determined to use your bartering tips for his own pleasure.I fear that pathetic little man was me.Thanks for the advice. JW

mysterygirl! said...

I bet that she would have felt better afterward if she had just said yes to the whole shebang. But that's a great story, and there's always something bittersweet about those funny stories between two people that can't be spoken anymore.

JerseySjov said...

ever hear of an otphj? over-the-pants-hand-job? just a little something in case the twof ever falls through.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

HAHAHAHA... I could totally relate. I was also in an almost 5 yr relationship that tail-spinned into sub par, soradic, pseudo-sex. It was pathetic. It was also hard for me to bring up too... I felt wrong for feeling that way. I guess I was just young and intimidated to talk about it. Won't go through that now though... not at this age. If the sex is lame, we'll need to have a talk!

Jenni said...

If Doogie Howser weren't gay I bet he would totally whack off to some titties.

And I'm so excited that Thisdayandage offered us all up for a BJ at your will.

My husband would be thrilled...

;)

So@24 said...

I'd barter for a good ol' TF. I hear us asians are supposed to be good at that.

I guess there's only one way to find out...

-cracks knuckles-
-cracks neck-


I hope your computer your using isn't anything at all like Doogie's. Man that thing was a piece of shit.

Kadonkadonk said...

Well Doogie, I can be your Wanda this week if you want...

zen wizard said...

How did Doogie Howser graduate from Princeton at age 10 again?

That would seem to involve a private tutor and lots of Summer school.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Law: Based on these comments, you're right; Lots of people can relate.

Jake: Where else can you read about those two things in the same couple of paragraphs?

Kitty: Thanks! I'm going to tug at your liver when you're out here for St. Patty's.

Chardsy: It is an honor to be your BB!

ThisDay: Awwwww, shucks. Thanks.

ADW: Creepy, right?

JW: Wow! Let me know how that shit works out. Remember, it's not pathetic. Pathetic would be trying to sleep with blue balls.

MG: It was probably my lack of effort into the "whole shebang" that had her expectations low. I've learned a lot since then, as did she. You're right about those moments when you want to talk with someone about an old time, but you know the end result would be crummy. Glad you made it be despite your retirement!

Jersey: Yes, that's somewhat of a Little John. (skeet, skeet!)

360: Glad you can relate, and glad you made it by my site. I'll return the favor.

Jenni: That was generous of her! I think she may be offering a colon cleansing too, since that's more your department. (No people that wasn't a crude butt-sex joke. Go by her site to see what I'm talking about).

24: Wait, Asians are good at bartering or TF'ing?

Donk: Yay! My very own Wanda. Now, who's going to be my Vinny . . .

Zen: I know, right?! I couldn't even do long division when I was ten. Fucking remainders . . .

Eve said...

Well, she did take off her top. You didn't get nothing.

Maybe she would've caved sooner if you had started higher (or lower) depending on your perspective. Like, maybe you could have asked for anal? A threesome?

Girl in a Guy's World said...

I can't believe Doogie is gay.

ReckenRoll said...

The perfect Valentine's week post.

Is bartering for it and having the other person be honest that they aren't into it better than actually going through with it and not finishing cause you realize the other person is not at all into it?

Which is more lame?

Either way, Doogie is still gay.

Sassy Blondie said...

Really, long relationships take imagination to keep interesting...both in and out of bed. Poor Dr. K!

But now you're making up for all that lack of it during the short-lived marriage, right? ;)

zen wizard said...

Think if you were going under general anesthetic, and the last thing you saw was a baby-faced, 16-year old twit in a surgical mask leaning over you with a scalpel...

Anyway, I like the "start high" strategy.

That's pretty good...(^ eve above.)

Like, start out with midget twins on a trapeze, and a proposed foursome, and by the time she caved, you would be at a hummer from just her while you watched porn, and she would think she got a good deal.

I won't sully this scholarly exercise with the observation that "begging for sex" is the death knell for a relationship, since it is:

a) giving away your power;
b) and desperate and needy.

How about, "Reverse psychology"?

Tell her you need $40 to go out drinking with the guys, and since you are in a good mood, you will screw her missionary style for that, but anything additional is going to cost her.

(Note: you must retain a poker face throughout the transaction or it is not going to work...)

I saved a sexless relationship once by saying, "I am not really sexually attracted to you anymore, and would like to start seeing other people..."

I got great sex for a short time...

The problem of course was that I REALLY DID WANT TO start seeing other people, and...

Wait--this is getting all too depressing...

radioactive girl said...

I'm sort of speechless that you had to beg her because if I had a hard day, I would want some sex (good or bad) to take my mind off of whatever was bugging me.

Steph said...

Wow. Marriage is like that huh?

Mr. Shife said...

Sex Farm by Spinal Tap was being played while I read your post. Isn't it amazing what lengths we will go to just to get some action. I would post a similar post but I am pretty sure Mrs. Shife would cut off my James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

5 of 9er said...

Oh Doogie... a perfect send off for sure.

Just Wandering... said...

lmfao! I can't believe you settled for that!! But I definitely relate. I was the one begging for sex towards the end of my last relationship. Ugh, should have ended that one A LOT sooner!!

zen wizard said...

Instead of foreplay, try choreplay: It turns women on to see a really buffed dude in an apron with a toilet bowl brush and some Clorox bent over a toilet and cleaning it.

(Wait--why don't they make a COLOGNE that smells like Clorox??)

captain corky said...

LOL! Luckily for you and Neil Patrick Harris, there's life after Doogie Howser. ;)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radioactive: It happens. Sometimes people lose that loving feeling. : (

Steph: Doesn't have to be. I hope.

Shife: Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it.

Niner: All I need is that blue screen.

Wanderer: It happens. I wasn't exactly the most attentive lover or partner either by that point, as you could tell.

Zen: Choreplay! I think cleaning out the garage gets you a 3 way.

Corky: Well said, capn'. Well said.

Sabina said...

Radioactive girl is right. What better way to get over a terrible day than via sex?

The Charming Hedonist said...

What kind of girl was this? I mean, if she wasn't going to put out, she should have at least given a hand job. Nice try on bargaining for the TF.

zen wizard said...

They love to see you on your knees, scrubbing...

I think the resultant emasculation is revenge by proxy against their cold, distant father or something...

I dunno maybe that will come up on Dr. Phil

"Is it good enough to just spend money with Maid Brigade and have THEM clean the kitchen floor?"

No--for some reason--I think because that does not take you sufficiently away from the Miami Heat on the plasma TV--Maid Brigade cleaning the floor even better than you could is not good enough.

Julie_Gong said...

How sweet was Doogie Howser though?

Anonymous said...

"Gancer: You're filling out that wife beat quite nicely tonight, doll face. How's about you and I doin' what lovers do?"

Wow. You were a real smooth operator. I can't imagine how Ms. Calcutta Love could resist our advances!

zen wizard said...

When you get a woman the Swiffer Sweeper for Valentine's Day, she doesn't necessarily break into a Vegas dance routine like in the commercial.

Just a heads up...

classyandfancy said...

With those bartering skills you would have totally died on the Oregon Trail.

classyandfancy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mood Indigo said...

Oh, that makes me sad. No guy deserves that :(

Happy V-day - and thanks for inspiring me to ask about the double stream when I realized the ration of guys to girls this weekend was 5:2. They seemed vaguely aware of the concept - and then returned with a question of their own..."just how real is the whole popping the cherry thing???"

Mr. Shife said...

I feel like I owe you another comment since you dropped three on me. Hmmm. Well I will be wearing my Sex Panther cologne tonight and try to convince young coeds that I was Vinnie Delpino in Doogie Howser. Wish me luck.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sabina: It's complicated. Always is.

Charm: I'm surprised how many people know the TF abbreviation.

Zen: Hmmmmm. I think fixing shit gets them going too. I can barely point a hammer in the right direction, so I had best get cleaning.

Anon: Smooth talker I was not. But, I was funny.

Zen: Any cleaning related gift for a female is big no-no. I don't know thing one about chicks, but I do know that.

Classy: You're so right! I would have gotten cholera before the first check point. Good to see the panda back in the comments. Miss you. : (

Mood: Glad you continued the research! As for the cherry popping, I have no idea. Anyone want to weigh in on that one?

Shife: That will drive the honies wild! The Italian Stallion . . .

Ms Smack said...

Well, there's 10 years of counselling to keep me AWAY from marriage, thanks !! :)

pistols at dawn said...

Reason #4,206 I am still single: because getting laid by someone who's even mildly interested or conscious is decidedly better than bartering.

Still, don't ever let on that you'd settle for the Just Jerking Off In The Bathroom Using Your Tears As Lube, because she'll suggest that more often than not.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: See! I saved you some dough.

Pistol: Tears as lube? That's a sad, sad day. Maybe worse if you use her tears.