Saturday, February 16, 2008

Knuckles and Thoughts Equally Out of Whack

When I played basketball in high school, I was lazy as hell, but I had a really consistant jump shot. These days, I've lost the shot, so I've overcompensated by making sure that I'm always the most aggressive guy on the court.* The other night I was playing in a men's league, and although this has been my worst season in a long time, this night I was playing like a beast man. Despite the fact that I gave up some pounds and inches to the other team's big men, I owned the boards, dominated the paint, and all in all played a half of basketball that will assure me a slot among some of the finest wreck league players in Chicago's fine, long-standing, round-ball history.**

Then, only moments into the second half, I ran my finger into some dude's back, and it contorted into a funny position. I had to leave the game. Now, most people, given my situation, would have a train of thought like this:

"Shit, I have no insurance. What am I going to do?"

But, my thinking was more like this:

"Shit, I'm the only tall guy we have tonight. We're going to get killed underneath."

I tried in vain to do a Mel Gibson from Lethel Weapon 2, on a smaller, less dramatic scale, and pop it back into place, but it was not to be. We did get killed underneath, we went on to lose the game, but I learned a few things:

1. Don't ever bitch about your pinky hurting. The very word sounds pussy. Waiting way too long to have a dislocated pinky reset, and the reset itself, was one of the most painful things I've ever dealt with, but trust me, if you ever have your daintiest of digits injured, just suffer in silence.

2. For a while there I thought my left pinky would never be able to bend, which is funny, because when I do toasts or shots, I always go "pinky up," and insist that everyone else does the same. Now I would have no choice in the matter . . .

3. Vicodin is the shit! I made the "mistake" of taking my happy pills before bedtime, and wow! I was drifting in and out of consciousness, and in one dream I was in The Eagles. I don't remember playing any music, but Glenn Frey and I were getting all messed up on various substances and gallivanting around with all the groupies and floozies we could get our ax-wielding mitts upon.***

3. With all the writing I have been doing, I was worried about how this would effect my typing.**** As it turns out, my ring finger has really been a team player, instictually absorbing all of his fallen compadre's duties, while still fulfilling all of his own obligations. I started thinking, I really took my full typing capacity for granted, which in turn got me thinking: Do we not overuse the phrase "take for granted?" I mean, should I really have been thinking at some point, "Man, I'm so glad I have a fully operational pinky to hit these q's, a's, and z's!" Seriously, everyone who miraculously comes away from some kind of near death experience always says that they are no longer going to take life for granted, but yes they are. If you're sitting around being thankful for what you have, then you're not living your life, right? Also, if that person were to steer every conversation to what a great gift life is and how precious it is, then all his/her friends would start to hate his/her guts, wish he/she had died, and rightfully so.

*I really want to don a headband, so everyone knows who the overly aggressive guy is.
**There are no such annuls, and I may have slightly exaggerated the glory of my performance.
***I finally have a rock star dream and I'm in The Eagles, of all bands? Well, as nerdy as their music could be, at times, I'm sure they had as much fun as just about any other band in the 1970's.
***Email me if you're interested in checking out stuff I've been writing for online publications.

40 comments:

Jake Titus said...

Kenneth, I know how it feels. In forty years I have...1.Broken every finger at least once, some twice. 2.Broken my left clavical twice and dislocated my right shoulder. 3. Broken my left wrist/arm. 4. Broken ribs. 5.Hurt my neck enough that I have de-generative disks. 6. Recentley dislocated my jaw. Feeling the pain bro! But I have to ask, where do you get your vicodin? Mine never did anything quite as cool as an "Eagles Trip". BTW you should have played Desperado. The chicks dig that song!
Jake

sequined said...

Dude, this is totally my sports strategy: be super aggressive to cover a lack of actual talent. In soccer and basketball I just try to crowd/rush the guy with the ball to force a sloppy pass that someone more nimble than I can intercept. It's occasionally even effective!

Bummer about the pinky, dude. At least it's not a super vital finger, right? I mean, who uses "a"s anyway?

Michael5000 said...

Awesome write-up. Not only did you make me laugh hard enough that Mrs.5000 had to come check on me, you also made me grateful, briefly, that I have such a beautifully functional left pinkie for typing purposes. But I've already forgotten about it, really.

I think if I fucked up a pinkie, I would have to start calling it my "smallest finger" or "outer finger" to avoid the wuss factor. I would pretend like I had never heard the word "pinkie," which would seem strange to people, but whatever. "My outer finger really hurts" isn't quite as bad as "my pinkie really hurts."

Put a list of your online pubs here on the blog!

The Charming Hedonist said...

I once broke my knee cap and was given codine. Talk about some effed up dreams! It was like Pink Floyd came alive in my head.

Feel better soon Doc.

Just Wandering... said...

How are you JUST NOW realizing that Vicodin is the most amazing painkiller ever?!?! Sheesh and you call yourself an athlete ;-)

Essentially Me said...

I'm dislocating my pinkie so I can take vicodin before bedtime.

JerseySjov said...

due to my own lack of technical prowess on the field/court, i tend to stand next to the boundaries and just yell 'IT'S GOING OUT' whenever the ball/puck comes near me and then 'I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING OUT' when confronted by my angry teammates.
got me through highschool gym class without any major injury; feel free to adopt my gameplan until your 'outer finger' heals up.

classyandfancy said...

Boy, 70s Gancer in that pic sure is flexible, add a headband and you'd need to get those silicone mitts to cover your real mitts so you could take care of all those hot skirts attacking you & Don Henley. Although, I don't think silicone mitts were around at the time, so nevermind.

PS.Sorry you can't wreak more havoc in your "wreck" league.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm sure that Vicodin will give you a peaceful, easy feeling. You should just take it easy, and before you know it, the pain will be already gone and you'll feel like a new kid in town. Just don't OD on the stuff, or you could have a heartache tonight.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jake: You're all beat up, brother! I bet all those things hurt in the winter time.

Seq: Who needs skill when you got heart and desire??

Michael: Thanks, bud! And, yes. Let's say outer finger . . .

Charm: I noticed the same thing with codine and vicodin: It only worked really well the first couple of times. I must build a fast immunity.

Wander: I know, right? Now I need to get me some creatine.

Essent: I recommend it! Thanks for coming by . . .

Jersey: The Line Judge approach . . . You're an innovator.

Classy: That pic is of my boy Kurt Rambis getting clothes lines by the hairy arm pitted Kevin McHale. I'll be back for the playoffs, baby!

Dyk: I know I could count on Dyk to drop some Eagles knowledge. That was well done, actually . . .

TOPolk said...

While I did read your post,I don't really have anything to add.

BUT I do want to thank you for the music player you've got in the sidebar. It inticed me to wander around the page for a spell after I gave it the initial skimming.

It's also the first time that I've heard "Brimful of Asha" in at least ten years. Talk about a song I had forgotten completely about...

Helen Mansfield said...

Vicodin, or no vicodin, I must say that Glen Fry looks an aweful lot like Lemmy from Motorhead in that photo.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Join the club. I've had a broken ulna and radius, fractured metatarsals, numerous pulled hamstrings, dislocated phalenges, and a long history of back and shoulder pains... all from playing basketball and soccer. and i'll do it all over again... ok maybe not, but it's always good to have injury stories to tell right?!

thisdayandage said...

I hurt my thumb during warmups before a game in high school, and one of my teammates told me to stop bitching about it hurting or get off the field. It turns out it was broken and I played the whole game with it broken, but if it had even gotten hit a little bit, it would have shattered.

Anyway, I agree with being aggressive. And please do wear a headband whenever possible.

And to what you wrote on my wall about how texting has taken booty calls to a whole new level? It is very effective...unless you are annoying/creepy and suck at texting, as the guy I talked about was.

Back to your post...the last line was the best part.

That is all, I'm beginning to ramble...pinkies up!

Diesel said...

How is it that Vicodin and an injured finger seem to have improved your writing?

pistols at dawn said...

The Eagles? I cannot imagine a dream where I can even name a member of that band beyond Henley. I mean, sure, I loved Frey's chops in Let's Get Harry, but I guess I just don't know the first thing about the Eagles, which is kind of good for my immortal soul.

In my mid-20s, I injured some old dude in a pickup hockey game with an accidental check and started getting threatened by Lexus-driving 50-year-olds. It was the least tough moment of my life, summed up by me yelling at a group, "Go back to your dental practices, old men."

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Polk: Thanks for coming by, and glad you like the songs!

Helen: He looks like perhaps he was in the midst of a serious bender, as he should have been.

360: You're all banged up! I bet all those hurt come winter. I think I already said that to jake, but I like that line . . .

Dayandage: Pinkies up is right, God damn it!!! I've been sick for a while now, and I can't wait to flipping drink something with my newly aligned pinkie aimed towards the heavens.

Diesel: I'm going to respond with a total "chick" response: Are you saying my writing sucked before? I hate when chicks says stuff like that. But, yeah, is that what you're saying . . .

Pistols: I like the dental practice line! What a bunch of old punks! Some people take wreck sports too damn serious. I mean, I play hard, but mostly cause I know that's the only exercise I'll get all week.

JerseySjov said...

oh, have i mentioned yet that i've been dancing -barefoot, natch- on a broken toe since SEPTEMBER??
aka man up. vicodin? pleeease.

captain corky said...

Did somebody say Vicodin?!? Let me know when you're done with the pain so you can send me the REST of all your unused pills. Help a brother out, I need to dream, man. ;)

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'm going to start using the phrase "dominated the paint" on a daily basis. Proper.

Mr. Shife said...

I was imagining you looking a little like Will Ferrell in his latest movie. I like your strategy too. Your story also reminded me of when I jammed both of my thumbs in PE class. Do you know how hard it is to try and put on button-fly pants with two jammed thumbs? Good times.

Girl in a Guy's World said...

"Play through the pain" is what we tell the guys. Abuse the good drugs while you can.

radioactive girl said...

Vicodin is good, but be careful because if you take too many or for too long, you might get constipated...not that I would know from experience or anything.

5 of 9er said...

My pinky hurts.

Kadonkadonk said...

My 115 pound younger sister was wrestling around with her boyfriend and pushed him over and he broke his HAND. And he doesn't have insurance either. And that is one SUCK situation to be in, especially when you are a college student!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jers: When you leave something dislocated for a week, the body doesn't like it, and tells you this with severe pain. Now, next time you want to one-up me, don't use DANCING of all things to make you sound tougher. I hurt myself playing basketball. With men.

Cork: Try it, man! You'll be the Captain of the Enterprise and railing green chicks in no time.

Cherry: Just don't say "dominate the taint."

Shifey: That doesn't sound easy, but you could have always enlisted the help of "the ladies."

Niner: See, you say it with no shame!

Donk: See, that's why there should be no rough-housing!

So@24 said...

I'm the Fastest Hunter/Pecker in the West.

I pride myself on these skills. Seriously. I wish there were some way you could witness me in all of my typing glory

zen wizard said...

Well, as a general rule, if the Eagles are soundin' good, you just popped some really good shit.

Sober?

The aedenoidal, high tenor whine. The ersatz Country and Western production. The neo-Norman Rockwell Americana images interspersed strategically in the lyrics. The tasteful interplay of the steel guitar--but not so much as to knock them off of dead center of the AOR playlist. The saccharine harmonies...

It was music like that this made Johnny Rotten so pissed off.

And who wants to sleep with some chick in the desert tonight, with a million stars all around? There's a Motel 6 two exits up, and no lizards will crawl up your crack while you're shaggin' her.

It gets awful cold in that desert, by the way. Those million stars all around mean no cloud cover.

JerseySjov said...

playing basketball with men, huh?
impressive, i'll keep your big important games in mind next time i have to to barefoot fouette turns on a splintered, uneven stage on a broken toe at the end of a 2-hour long show without letting the audience know i'm exerting even the smallest amount of effort.
i'm beating my head against the wall here, i know, you people who have never danced seriously just don't have any idea what you're talking about. oh, and i have played basketball with men before, so i can compare the two activities.

Steph said...

I broke my arse bone once, they were even going to remove it! So don't talk to me about your pinky finger!!
You aint nothing till you break your ass!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

24: I've seen people who get it done like that. Blows my mind. Can you look up at the screen when you do that?

Zen: Ha! Thanks for breaking that shit down . . .

Jov: I don't doubt that it is painful stuff, but did you see how you tried to sound tough just then saying fouette turns? Also, tu-tu's don't help the cause. I'm sorry we got in a pissing contest here, but I'm just not giving into a ballerina.

Steph: You almost had your ass bone removed?????? Yikes.

elyse the portuguese said...

Your starred commentary is fucking hilarious. Obviously, this isn't the first time you've read this cause it's your "shtick" but seriously, I look forward to them.

Oh, and hope your pinky feels better!

JerseySjov said...

never said tutu, never worn a tutu.
sorry that i typo'd 'to do'
if i was a ballerina i'd have to do it with pointe shoes, which is worse.
i'm willing to venture you don't know what fouette's are, so i'm going to stop before i make myself really mad.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Elyse: The "outer finger" is doing well, and I should be playing again next week.

Jov: Let's bury the hatchet. I just am not going to cave in and say that you're more man than me. You're the bomb dancer and I'm the Beast from the East on the court. We're both awesome, okay? : )

JerseySjov said...

haha, i can live with that

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

A. You have 2 #2's which leads me to believe that vicodin really is the shit but maybe you shouldn't take it when writing.

B. The eagles? Really?? The Eagles?

Jake Titus said...

Hey Kenneth,
How's the recovery? Either you can't type like the rest of us (using two fingers), your still on tour, or you've run out of vicodin and have to pimp yourself out on the street. Well whatever has caused your absence, Hope your doing o.k.
Jake

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: Okay, cool. Glad that's settled. That was rather bazaar, but kind of fun, right?

Chardsy: I fixed the error. Thanks. "Vicodin's a helluva drug . . . "

Jake: Thanks for your concern, partner. I did finally post. Hope you enjoy, and I'll be by your fine site when I do my rounds tomorrow or the next day.

non-Blondie said...

oh my god, are you some guy with tattoos at a gig in London on Saturday? His pinky was RUBBER! He couldn't carry all his beers, it was so useless!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Blondie: I don't want to become Rubber Pinky Guy. I need to carry beers. Lots of them!