Seriously. That's how I arrived at these topics. I have one of those machines with the air blowing around, my lovely assistant picks them out at times like this, and it's great fun. Round and round they go . . .
1. Scandinavian Olympic Ineptitude: I go for underdogs in all sporting events. I'm a lifelong Cub fan, I pulled for the Jamaican Bobsled Team in and out of the movie, I was stoked when Eli and the New York Giants beat the cheating Patriots, and I probably would have been the only guy thinking a little naked guy with a rock stood a chance against Goliath. That being said, I'm not big on rooting for America, especially in basketball, where they're dunking all over these other countries like it's a Nerf hoop.
It's times like this where I start pulling for Sweden and Norway, my Nordic brethren. So far, it’s clear that I’d be better served to just wait until the winter games, where my homies from the snowy mountains excel a little more. I’ve heard Norway has a decent rowing team, and why wouldn’t they? They’re Vikings. Sweden had a Greco-Roman wrestler take a bronze, but then he had a Greco-Roman tantrum, throwing his medal on the ground, and was later stripped of it by the Olympic Committee. I may follow suit with a hissey fit of my own if these blond boys don’t start sacking up.
2. He Had “The Glow.” Julius Carray, who played Sho’nuff, The Shogun of Harlem, in 1985's Berry Gordy’s the Last Dragon recently died. I got the news of his demise from a buddy of mine who felt a need to text me about his demise from pancreatic cancer. Apparently, this buddy's father went to school with him, and used to kick his ass all the time, which may have inadvertently inspired Sho'nuff to study the martial arts. In case you haven’t seen Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, it’s essentially a remake of Bruce Lee’s The Last Dragon set in Harlem with mostly Black people. The tall, lanky Sho’nuff stole the show with great lines like “Kiss my converse,” “Nigga’ please,” and “Ain’t I the prettiest mo-fo ‘round town?”
He spent the rest of his career primarily as a steady actor on lot TV with roles on shows like The A-Team and Murder She Wrote. It would have been great if he had told Angela Lansbury to kiss his converse, or even better, and downright confusing, if he had told her, “nigger, please.”
3. Ungrateful Cat Massage: Have you seen cats knead someone? My girlfriend's cat rubs her down with her paws like she's kneading dough. Apparently, it's what they do to stimulate milk production, but it's also a sign that they are comfortable and happy with their owner. I had only had one rub down, on my ass, until this morning when I got an awesome one on my left pectoral "muscle." It felt like a million bucks, but I wanted her to do it to the other one. You know, even it out. Little help, cat? She's trying to let me know she's comfortable, and I just want her to even out my breast massage. I'm so selfish.
4. Cubs game with vision: Saturday I'm going to my first Chicago Cubs, who are in first place, game since getting my contacts. Not being able to see the score board at my last Cubs game is what inspired my visit to the eye doctor. You'd think it would have been not being able to read street signs, but if you think that, you don't know me very well.
5. New Goliath Groupers from Cuba Are 6 Feet Long, Over 1000 lbs, and May Be a Whole New Species: I'm sure this is an exciting find for oceanographers, marine biologists, and whoever else digs on fish, but all I could think about was my buddy who is six feet even and around 400 lbs. How is it that this fish weighs 600 lbs more than him? My next thought was that the fish must be really dense, but I don't see something getting a whole lot more dense than my boy. Curious . . .