Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Never Cook With Oxyclean; It Will Leave You Hollow Inside*

I signed the girlfriend and I up for one of those hands-on cooking classes because we both want to get into cooking more. What's cool about the one I found is that you can sip wine while you take the leaves off of stalks of Thyme and other bullshit tasks, and you get to eat everything when you're done - and everything was absolutely incredible.

Now, I don't blog about stuff like cooking, specifically. I'm here to tell you that there was a guy there who looked just like the guy from the Oxyclean commercials, he was every bit as intense, and thrice the asshole. First off, he stood across the island from his wife, which I suppose didn't have to be a sign that he was a fuck-o, but then he was throwing uncomfortable digs her way all night. I whispered to Gancey Girlfriend, "Oxyclean over there is a real butthole." She said, "Oxyclean, what the hell does that . . . (as she looked over) . . . oh yeah. He does look like that guy." I've always been good at spotting celebrity twins of people, and I really know I've nailed one when someone barely knows who the celebrity is, looks at the person, and wholeheartedly agrees with me. Love it.

The group consisted of like 7 couples who all knew each other and then us, but everyone else besides Big Oxy was really nice but really yuppie. Sometimes I get self-conscious around people with lots of money, and then a conversation about "the market" breaks out, and I want to stick my head in a food mill** and turn the crank. Am I getting to the age now where I need to start having adult conversations? Am I supposed to get stoked for a guy when he talks about the granite counter tops in his condo? If he were nailing his girlfriend on the counter top, now that's a story, but otherwise I just can't stand that sort of shit.

Hey, Seven Readers, Is it my own insecurity or is that stuff just real boring? I guess what I'm asking here is for a comment from someone with money who still thinks conversations about money and material things are conversational masturbation.

*Props, another way of saying a prize of nothing, to the reader who tells me what movie this title is in reference to, sort of.

**Just learned about that item that night. I love how general the name is. It's a kitchen item that really doesn't want to get pigeon holed. The other important thing the lady and I took away was . . . Shit, I forgot already, and it was a real good tip, too . . .

24 comments:

Heff said...

I'm not aiming for props here (meaning I don't know the answer).

I always thought Billy Mays' most marketable product should have been his BEARD. He could slice off sections of that fucker, and sell it as the most aggressive scouring pad on the planet !

Candy's daily Dandy said...

No props here either-I got nothing. And the great Heff is ever so wise.

But I CAN tell you this-people with major money don't talk about it, unless it will yeild them some sort of dividend. In my experience, it's the insecure, yuppy fuckwads who think they are in-the-know and want too impress you with their bullshit. Big Yawn. I will give them this tiny consession though. Everyone that is in the market lost money in the market as of late, so they LOVE to commiserate. You now misery loves company.

Go cry poor mouth walking dude....

Kadonkadonk said...

I talked about my flat screen tv for weeks after I got it. But maybe that was because it was the first thing I spent over $300 since I bought my car back in '06...

No props for me either.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: Aggressive, indeed. Hahahha.

Candy: I do believe you're right about it. It's the YOUNG urban professionals who are overly excited about making lots of money. It's kind of like a football great said to a younger player doing a touchdown dance: "Act like you've been there before."

Donk: I'm sure it's boss!

Zen Wizard said...

Anything having anything to do with Wall Street or anything finance or insurance is more boring than watching paint dry.

That is why investment bankers (used to...) make such good money...they are in a special kind of Jean-Paul Sartre type of hell where talking to a fly would be more exciting than what they are doing.

Billy Mays (Sp? Do I really give a f*ck how you spell his name?? If in fact that is his name?? Suspiciously close to Willie Mays...) reminds me of this d!ckhead waiter I used to work with at this country club next to Ohio State--he always got the best tables because he was full of $#!T and kissed the boss' ass. That same trimmed beard/overcompensation for emasculated life-look.

You know, I don't even know this guy--I am just p!$$ed at the world right now--I hope he makes a billion dollars selling glorified hydrogen peroxide...

Micky said...

Are you heading for here?

Repent!

radioactive girl said...

I have a real grown up house, 4 kids, etc. and I find those conversations boring/self serving and talked about to make yourself feel better about your boring married with kids life. I think that is most of the reason that I hang out mainly with either unmarried friends who talk about fun stuff, or friends with families that talk about real people stuff that is interesting. I also find that I don't feel like I fit in very well in our neighborhood because most people DO talk about all the boring stuff. There is way more to life than a stupid countertop or whatever. Let's face it though...I go to bed at 10, get up a little before 5 and hang out with kids all day. I don't have too much actual interesting stuff to talk about. But if I ever resort to that kind of stuff, I hope someone will kill me or something. Then again I always feel like I am just pretendng to be an adult so maybe my opinion on this doesn't count.

Jenni said...

First of all, I would like to point out that I am now following your blog, so instead of referring to all of your "seven readers" you now have to refer to the eight of us. I did this mostly because I like even numbers.

Secondly, people who talk about the market are lame. And if you are ever stuck in the situation where you have to converse about such drivel I would suggest you turn the conversation to more interesting topics. Oh, and by the way, boobs, sex and beer qualify as more interesting topics. Just to clarify.

tyt said...

サイト制作
秋葉原 メイド
ペット火葬 つくば
つくば ペット火葬
つくば ペット霊園
つくば ペット葬儀
立食パーティー用プレート
でしこ
soul source production
ベトナム シーフード
高収入 アルバイト
高収入 アルバイト
アパレル 求人
アパレル 派遣
人妻 出会い
風俗
風俗
デリヘル
アダルトゲーム
高収入求人
高収入求人
ソープランド
性感マッサージ 名古屋
M性感 名古屋
出会い
I wish you always happy and success in your life.
Thanks for sharing!
Best regards!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Zen: You do sound a little pissed at the world. I want more insight into the real life Zen Wizard on your blog. I'm sure it would be good reading and therapeutic.

Mickey: What the hell is that? A bible banging link on my blog? Whatever. Thanks.

Radio: I feel like a pretend grown-up most of the time, too!

JennI: Thanks for following, and great topics!!

tyt: Thanks for the Japanese writing! I needed that!

Micky said...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...
Mickey: What the hell is that? A bible banging link on my blog?

Dear Kenneth,
John 3: 16 For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting.

17 For God sent not his Son into the world, to judge the world, but that the world may be saved by him.

18 He that believeth in him is not judged. But he that doth not believe, is already judged: because he believeth not in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

19 And this is the judgment: because the light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than the light: for their works were evil. 20 For every one that doth evil hateth the light, and cometh not to the light, that his works may not be reproved

Micky said...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...
Mickey: What the hell is that? A bible banging link on my blog?

Dear Kenneth,
John 3: 16 For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting.

17 For God sent not his Son into the world, to judge the world, but that the world may be saved by him.

18 He that believeth in him is not judged. But he that doth not believe, is already judged: because he believeth not in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

19 And this is the judgment: because the light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than the light: for their works were evil. 20 For every one that doth evil hateth the light, and cometh not to the light, that his works may not be reproved

Ms Smack said...

I think that bot spam came from me. He's doing the rounds off my blogroll, sorry!

I think it's very romantic and you and the beautiful girlfriend are cooking together :)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: Thanks for turning me onto Bible Thumper. I think I've angered him . . .

Mr. Shife said...

I think those topics are boring as shit and would rather talk about sports or something else. I mean I am glad if some people are doing well but I would not rather talk about it. It is just not my cup of conversational masturbation.
And thanks for your support of Quincy dog. He is doing good all things considered. It is hard to say how he is going to look because he still has sutures in his mouth but it looks like he is going to look OK. He might not be America's Next Top Basset Model but we can live with that.

Mr. Shife said...

i just wanted to let you know if you really want the Scrappy Ending t-shirt then visit tshirthell.com. You will find a lovely selection of awesome shirts there.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Thanks for agreeing, hope the basset is okay, and I may very well nab that Scrappy Ending shirt . . .

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Thanks for agreeing, hope the basset is okay, and I may very well nab that Scrappy Ending shirt . . .

Zen Wizard said...

Update--Billy Mays is now pitching this energy pill that "gives him the energy to do all the commercials."

I seem to recall seeing Billy Mays doing a commercial on some bullshit life insurance or something.

In marketing we call that, "diluting the brand equity."

Like everytime Trump comes up with some new product like a Trump doll or Trump suits. Trump can only stand for so many things in the consumer's minds.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Is that for real about the Billy Mays energy pill?

I'd like that energy, but how long until I got punched in the face?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Is that for real about the Billy Mays energy pill?

I'd like that energy, but how long until I got punched in the face?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Is that for real about the Billy Mays energy pill?

I'd like that energy, but how long until I got punched in the face?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Is that for real about the Billy Mays energy pill?

I'd like that energy, but how long until I got punched in the face?

Drunken Chud said...

so... eating a spoonful oxyclean eh?