Today, as I was getting ready for a shift on the rickshaw, I was playing a song by Yo La Tengo, I think "Deeper Into Movies," and I noticed that I clapped my hands. Wow. I was enjoying a song and not just farming the music to get the cries out of me. Sometimes it really feels like there is a certain amount of crying in your heart that you can actually feel, like mucus, like you would take an expectorant to knock loose your phlegm, you use the sad bastard songs to get all the crying loose and out of you.
But this wasn't that. This was genuine enjoyment. Then once I was working, I was enjoying the company of people and making jokes. Oh yeah! I'm funny too! I'm not worthless. Then, Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP) met me out for a couple of dollar Leinenkugela, and I put down a whole plate of tacos. My appetite's coming back! I may have overdid it because my stomach wasn't quite stretched out enough for that undertaking, but I'm thrilled that things are looking up.
Still, there is that pressure of being single, and I felt it tonight. You get that feeling that you should always try to be meeting people, putting yourself in situations where you could meet folks, and not necessarily sleeping with everyone, just talking to them and having some laughs. All that pressure was off when you thought you were on your last stop. Suddenly, the bus lets you off earlier than expected, and it becomes somewhat of a race against the clock. I'm 33, still relatively good looking, have a decent head of hair, I'm in good shape (but need more muscle mass), so I could still meet someone. But, by the time I have kids, am I going to be 40? Also, when you come out of something like this, you just can't see yourself loving someone else. Sure, it's going to happen some day, but do you fall madly in madly, deeply in love with someone in your 40's?
Am I just over thinking all of this? Probably, but still, I'm 45% better, tomorrow I'll feel even better, and by the weekend I'll be ready to go, only I have so few single friends and I'm not quite ready and . . . Ah, fuck it. I'm on the home stretch here, so let's just feel good about that.
Update: I just inadvertently caught a glimpse of her face in a picture. That shot me down to 30% better. Tomorrow is another day, but tonight is starting to really suck all of a sudden.