Today, as I was getting ready for a shift on the rickshaw, I was playing a song by Yo La Tengo, I think "Deeper Into Movies," and I noticed that I clapped my hands. Wow. I was enjoying a song and not just farming the music to get the cries out of me. Sometimes it really feels like there is a certain amount of crying in your heart that you can actually feel, like mucus, like you would take an expectorant to knock loose your phlegm, you use the sad bastard songs to get all the crying loose and out of you.
But this wasn't that. This was genuine enjoyment. Then once I was working, I was enjoying the company of people and making jokes. Oh yeah! I'm funny too! I'm not worthless. Then, Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP) met me out for a couple of dollar Leinenkugela, and I put down a whole plate of tacos. My appetite's coming back! I may have overdid it because my stomach wasn't quite stretched out enough for that undertaking, but I'm thrilled that things are looking up.
Still, there is that pressure of being single, and I felt it tonight. You get that feeling that you should always try to be meeting people, putting yourself in situations where you could meet folks, and not necessarily sleeping with everyone, just talking to them and having some laughs. All that pressure was off when you thought you were on your last stop. Suddenly, the bus lets you off earlier than expected, and it becomes somewhat of a race against the clock. I'm 33, still relatively good looking, have a decent head of hair, I'm in good shape (but need more muscle mass), so I could still meet someone. But, by the time I have kids, am I going to be 40? Also, when you come out of something like this, you just can't see yourself loving someone else. Sure, it's going to happen some day, but do you fall madly in madly, deeply in love with someone in your 40's?
Am I just over thinking all of this? Probably, but still, I'm 45% better, tomorrow I'll feel even better, and by the weekend I'll be ready to go, only I have so few single friends and I'm not quite ready and . . . Ah, fuck it. I'm on the home stretch here, so let's just feel good about that.
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Update: I just inadvertently caught a glimpse of her face in a picture. That shot me down to 30% better. Tomorrow is another day, but tonight is starting to really suck all of a sudden.
12 comments:
Jesus. A depressing post coupled with the Beach Boys 'Don't Talk' and I feel like drinking a fifth of scotch and calling it a night. Fuck it. I'm over 30 and I don't have the good head of hair to fall back on. Scotch it is!
'Donk: Sorry. That's not my intention to depress people and drive them to drink. I'm just trying to get all these thoughts out of my head, and this blog has been a means of doing that for over 5 years, like an old friend. The posts will get more positive, I promise. I'm reading all kinds of things and taking this problem head on, and I won't be beat by it. I will be stronger. Sorry, long response. Thanks. : )
Hmm. I was going for sarcasm. Apparently not too well. Of course it will get better! And for the record, you are all kinds of Skarsgard sexy, so enough with the "decent" looking talk!
Sorry. "relatively" . Whatever.
Donk: Yeah, it should have been clear you were going for sarcasm, but I'm just a little heavy-handed right now. Thanks for the vote of confidence. : )
A few things: No one is a real human if they haven't suffered and I mean REALLY suffered. "Life is not designed for our comfort, but for our struggle, for in struggle there is growth." And having to say goodbye to something that truly was your entire life? Well, short of death, this is pretty much the most suffering a person can endure. But is there any better fuel for the creative fire than a little (lotta) heartache?!
In other news, my boyfriend is 40. He went through allllll sorts of women, women he loved or thought he loved, women who cheated on him, women who just weren't right. He was even engaged once. After the last long one that didn't work out, he kinda gave up and decided that all that was left was serial dating, nothing serious. And then he met me. Everything changed. You've got way more time than you think. The best part is that you have time to do new things, different things, and to do them for yourself and no one else. It's empowering. When my ex (dated 3yrs) told me he didn't feel that spark and marriage was probably out of the question, it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure I was a train wreck for six months, but I came out of the wormhole so much cooler, happier, and way hotter! (breakups do that!!)
Ken, you are talented, wise, tender-hearted, and ready to take on the world. Heartbreak is war within yourself. You'll win though. The good ones always win.
MG! coming in with the tough love: if you think that your emotional life is going to drop dead in seven years, you'd better get to living fast, because by that logic, once those seven years are up you have approximately 35 years of mediocrity and blandness ahead of you.
Try to remind yourself that you are in a post-break-up catastrophic thinking pattern. It's okay to be afraid, because it's always okay to feel whatever it is you feel, but still be aware that logically your fears are baseless. A 33-year-old man is a commodity on the singles market, regardless of how much hair or muscle tone he has, so stop worrying about that bullshit and instead set about caring for yourself and recovering. Be kind to yourself. There's no expiration date for being attractive, falling in love, being happy, or generally kicking ass-- all you have to do is not be afraid to start.
Ah. What I thought.
"Read posts in ORDER, Heff !!!"
I am happy you are feeling a little more hopeful about things. I seem to have swung the other direction last night. I am now about half way back to being just ok with everything.
If you think you are doing things late, think about how I feel...I am kind of at the opposite from you, I have 4 kids and can't have more. So now I have to find someone who is cool with kids but doesn't want his own. I did this all too early I guess/with the wrong person. I think I will have a bit more trouble than you will. (I know it isn't a competition I hope you take my comment how I mean it, just that there is always hope...except I worded it horribly...please understand that I mean well even though I can't seem to form good thoughts right now)
I am still around! Long-time reader, complacent commenter -- I blame Google Reader.
I am sorry you are hurting. I agree with mysterygirl! though: your charm won't go to waste. Another kickass girl will come along, who will be excited to be part of your very gancey world, I am sure of it.
My dude's 44 years old (and has a solid 15 years on me) and he still dreams of having three(!) girls. I don't know if I am ready for that; but I see good things coming your way, once you are ready for them.
Miss Org: Very kind words, and yeah, you're right about everything, especially the "talented" part. : )
Thanks for everything.
MG: I don't mind the tough love because it's always good to hear from you. You're right, and I'm altering those patterns of thinking with each passing day, but there is a written record of my misery - albeit a watered down version because I tried to remain positive. Those were all great points, thinks I have thought of but not quite like that. The MG is wise . . . Hope you are doing well too.
Radio: Still, it's good that you had all three kids young for your new beginning, and maybe you'll meet a guy with kids of his own who doesn't want more, like the Brady Bunch. I don't mean that as a joke, I'm serious. Just keep doin' what you're doin'! : )
Laura: Wow. It has been FOREVER since I heard from you. You were from like 5 years ago when I got started. Glad you're still reading, so it doesn't matter if you're into commenting or not. Thanks for the kind words too. Sounds like your man friend has it going on. It's good to hear from you, Laura. : )
And Heff: Don't worry about reading things in order because the most recent post will be the current mind state. I plan on kicking this thing's ass and being an ass-kicker myself. Rock on.
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