Monday, November 11, 2013

Old Friends

Steve parked his car on Chicago's northwest side and went into a neighborhood coffee shop with only one customer inside.  He greeted his friend, Roman, the lone customer who has many ties to the Polish mob, and the two sat at a table by the window to discuss the business at hand.

Steve: I appreciate you meeting me at short notice.  I know it's been a long time, but I remember when we worked together way back when, you said you knew a lot of . . . people who could . . . get things done.  

Roman: Oh yes.  (he replied in a thick Polish accent as he sipped from his espresso).  I can get a boot off of your car in less than two minutes.  I can get you a new identity in a couple days time.  And Mr. Roman could get you a very good-looking and convincing transsexual.  

Steve: Yeah, those three I don't need right now, especially that last one, but (looks around the empty room), illegal stuff is kind of the way I need to go with this one.  

Roman: No problem.  Anything for an old friend.  Anything within reason, that is.    

Steve: Well, here it is: I know a kid who got molested, and I just worry that with the way the investigation is going . . . The kid changed his story, and he didn't come forward for a long time, so there really isn't a lot of physical evidence.  And this guy might walk.

Roman: Oh no.  He won't walk.  (now angry) We can have both this guy's legs broken in no time.  I can do this one myself if you want.  Would be my pleasure.  I hate the perverts.  

Steve: No, by "walk," I mean that he might not do any jail time.  

Roman: I see.  And you want to make this guy dead, is that it?  

Steve: No.  Just that he doesn't get away scot-free.  What are you thinking?

Roman: (Softly whispering) What do you say we have this man raped real good.  

Steve: Oh God, no!  . . . Wait, you can do  that?

Roman: No, not me, but I have people raped all the time.  Well, not all the time, but I can get this done for you.  Yes.  No problem.   

Steve: Maybe I don't want to know this, but how do you know rapists, and how can you work with people like that, if you don't mind me asking?

Roman: You must understand, I know a lot of men who have done time, and for them raping isn't as big of a deal as it is to you and I.  And what we do in a case like this is simply tell our rapist that this man, this pervert, we simply tell Ulises that he raped a Latin Kings' son, and that's pretty standard practice amongst the Kings to have a man like that raped.

Steve: Whoah.  Stop right there.  I don't want to know anybody's names.  Hell, I'm not even sure I can go through with this.  

Roman: Sure you can.  This pervert will have the raping of a lifetime (now angry.  but a long pause).  Then again, he might be into rape.  You think?

Steve: I doubt it.  

Roman: Yes, but you never know with these pervert types.  So maybe we work in a little beating and torture into the mix, what do you think?

Steve: Okay, so if I'm understanding you fully, just in case the rape is somewhat pleasurable for him, you throw in a little torture?  Like what?

Roman: Well, I would let Ulis- (Stops himself) or whoever would be doing the rape, use his own discretion to make it particularly torturous and painful, like maybe cram a chair leg into his ass (demonstrates with a nearby chair, stabbing the leg into the air) or whatever's handy, you know (calmly sits back down and takes another sip of espresso).

Steve: (starts to get up) Jeez, that could kill the guy, couldn't it?  Like, he could bleed to death if he were stabbed right with a chair like that.  Okay, yeah, I really can't go through with this.  I'll just trust that the authorities will reach the right verdict and then he will get a raping in prison that wasn't authorized by you or I, or Ulises, who I hope I never meet by the way.  Can we just forget I ever came in here?

Roman: Sure.  It's your choice.  But stay a while.  We should catch up.  Talk about stuff that isn't illegal.  Roman doesn't only do illegal stuff.  For instance, these cuff links, I made them (Roman rolls up the left sleeve of his sport coat to reveal a dragon fly cuff link).  You see?  Dragon fly.  

Steve: That's no bad. (Steve puts his head in his hands and takes some deep breaths).

Roman: Hey.  What's wrong?  (puts his hand on Steve's arm) Don't worry about it, Steve.  The revenge and that sort of thing is not for everyone, after all.  You're a good guy.  Finish your coffee.  

Steve and Roman enjoyed another half hour of conversation free of any talk of illegal activities, and no contract of any kind was made - just old friends catching up.  And Ulises was never contacted as a result of their meeting.  


David Oliver said...

Dr. Ken, this actually sounds convincing. You can write a Godfather story. Pity Marlon Brando is not around anymore to star in the movie but I'm sure Hollywood can find somebody to play the part.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

David: Yeah, this is sort of ripping off that first scene in the Godfather the more I think about it. I need someone more Polish looking for this character, maybe someone with a "ski" at the end of his name, like the guy from "The Office." Thanks for reading, man.

David Oliver said...

I didn't mean you were ripping off The Godfather. It was just a comparison because that book and the movie had a believable criminal feel about it. Really I didn't notice about the name until your comment but you are right about that. A name ending in "ski" would be a good touch.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Haha, that's very good black humour! If Tarentino read this he might hire you as a scriptwriter. I didn't like a table leg idea though. How about a hard-boiled egg up the butt, hot from the saucepan?

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: The table leg is a little gruesome, right? The hard-boiled egg thins is quite a hands-on process. You really gotta get your hands dirty, so to speak. I like it.

Mr. Shife said...

Good stuff, Dr. Ken. Is this something you're working on or just a writing exercise? I hope you're working on a book because you are a talented and funny dude. Take care my friend.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: Thanks so much for the kind words, old friend. But it's never a part of something bigger because I have AD/HD and don't follow through on anything bigger.

The Grand Wave said...

Alright Gancey I am back in full. I promised you some good stories and they are forthcoming. It has been a while but life gets in the way. Love the blog.

Your stories always kick ass.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Grand: So nice of you to say, buddy! I'll be swinging by your blog and adding you back to the blog roll. Look forward too seeing what kinds of stuff you put up there!

Cocaine Princess said...

Wow! Great writing. Look forward to the next installment.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Coke: Thanks so much, but I think this was a one-off. I'm only good for a short story. My AD/HD does not lend itself well to finishing bigger projects.