For one thing, Lent bothers me.
I'm a pretty big athiest/agnostic. And I'm not happy about it or smug about it, rubbing it in people's faces and calling them dumb for believing in stuff. Believe me when I say that I envy them for having belief in a higher power. How can I not be a little jealous when all I really believe is that we can have a few fun moments in life but eventually we die and rot, and that's about it. Dying and rotting.
But if I did believe that there was a Heaven and a Hell, and if living a good life and following all the rules sent me to heaven, and living a crappy one meant going to hell, I'm pretty sure I would be the best Christian the world has ever saw.
|"Who let Scar up here?"|
Now, if I'm a Christian and that is awaiting me if I just follow some simple rules, however strange they may sound, I have to believe I'm following them to a T because Hell doesn't sound to good.
Your standard day in Hell starts with being woken up by the bullhorn demon (who has a giant bullhorn for a face) at 5:30AM after sleeping for 25 minutes. And you slept standing up. You're immediately ushered with into the line at the DMV where you will be pushed and shoved trying to avoid the fires in the middle of the office, because there are annoying fucking fires everywhere in fucking Hell. When you finally get to the front of the line, the fat crabby demon working the counter tells you that you don't have right document you need for your Hell driver's license, so you will have to be tortured for the remainder of the day and get up the next day to get in line again. And torture has got to be pretty bad if hell itself is constantly totally awful. I'm thinking that you are tied up in a room somewhere, naked, and there are demons with hot pokers, like how people brand cows, and they're playing a movie of the shitty life you led, laughing at each of the mistakes you made, and poking you at those moments, like some kind of demented and painful drinking game. And today's clips are exclusively from your miserable high school experience. With close ups of your acne and lots of rewinding for particularly horrible moments.
So if that's what heaven is like and that's what hell is like, I got to believe I'm making some sort of major sacrifice during Lent. I would have nine or ten things to give up - some things that would make the big dogs upstairs quite pleased with me. Something that would bump me ahead of a few people. Maybe I would give up hitting the snooze button, masturbation, sugar, alcohol, skipping work outs, and just about anything else that is bad for me. And you know what? While I'm at it, maybe I'll do whatever else it says I should do in the bible all year round if it means I can go to heaven to play beach volleyball with Malcolm X and avoid going to that DMV line in hell.
|"Look! How fun!"|
I'll tell you what I would NOT do during Lent if I believed in Christianity: Give up Snickers bar. Not giving up chocolate bars, chocolate in general, or sweets in general. Nope. Too hard. This guy just gave up one specific brand of candy bar. And this asshole will eat Baby Ruth's, Mounds, and Watchamacallits all month long. And you know what? If someone offered him a fun size Snickers, he would probably just say "fuck it" and eat the thing and make an excuse like, "Well, it's just a fun size, after all. Jesus will understand that what I really gave up was the full size one. Sure, he was nailed to a cross after dragging the damn thing 200 yards while being whipped, and I gave up my full size Snickers. He will be quite pleased with my sacrifice."
So there you have it. I don't believe in much of anything, but I like to think that if I were a Christian, I would be a better one than the Snickers bar guy. That's all I'm saying.