Friday, February 28, 2014

These Are the Top 10 Awful People At the Bar. The People That You Meet Each Friday.

10. The Jukebox Saboteur.  Some jerk played In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida three consecutive times, but no one there will fess up to it.  More than likely he keyed that up and left to another bar just to stick us with 19 minutes of crappy drum and organ solos.

9. The Jaeger Bomber.  You have already told this guy that you don't want to do any shots because you have to go into work the next morning, but every time you turn around there is a tray of shots coming your way, and usually something disgusting like Wild Turkey.  You see, the Jaeger Bomber is not happy until we're all slobbering drunk and peeing on ourselves.  Like him.

8. The Barfly Loner.  He sits there alone every single night, knows all the staff members by name, and he is sipping his drinks and slowly killing himself.  And that's totally fine, so long as he doesn't talk to us.  It's when he chimes into everyone else's conversations that he becomes a problem.  We know, you have it all figured out and know the answers to all the world's problems.  But why haven't you found out how to avoid spending all your time and money perched at the end of this dark and dirty bar and dying a lonely death?

7. No Game and No Quit.   Sometimes the ladies just want to go out and have a few drinks, maybe dance a little, and yes, meeting some cute guys is a bonus.  However, you have got to know when your very presence has begun to ruin their night.  There are some guys out there who just don't know when to cut bait and move on.  Some men will tell you that all women are bitches, but the truth is they have to resort to being a monster bitch just to get guys like this to go away.

6. The Ping Pong Ball: This guy just doesn't seem happy with any bar you've gone to all night long.  The minute you walk in, he has immediately surveyed the scene and decided that there aren't enough women in there, the TV's aren't in high def, the bartenders aren't good looking enough men's room attendant has shitty mints, and the hardwood floors need to be refinished.  So he keeps convincing the group to bounce to another bar, which will be another one he will hate.  It seems the Ping Pong Ball is content spending more money and time on taxis than in bars.

5. The Stumbler.  He is blind drunk, falling over, making no sense, throwing up and falling asleep, but he won't leave!  If the bouncers won't do the right thing, sometimes someone in his group of friends needs to physically grab his pickled ass and show him to a cab, and usually tell the cab driver where he lives and maybe pay him (as it doesn't seem as if he is capable of doing anything on his own at this point).  Once everyone has had a good laugh and stored up enough stories to thoroughly embarrass him the next time you all get together, it will be well worth it to send this man home and absolve yourselves of babysitting duties.

4. The Inescapable Bad Conversation Guy: He has honed on you.  Yes, he has chosen you to share his wisdom of a particularly boring topic, be it to which route to take to shave 3 minutes off your commute, who to draft in fantasy football, or how to totally own the chumps in your condo association.  You have tried going to the bar to get a drink and going to take a pee, and you really didn't have to do either one - you just wanted to get away.  But he will keep finding you because he has you pegged as someone too nice to tell him to please put more beer in his mouth and make less boring words come out of it.

3. The Crop Duster.  The drinks are flowing, the music sounds good, everyone is looking beautiful, but suddenly there is the foul smell of rotten eggs blasting out of someones diseased intestines, and everyone is pulling their shirts over their noses, clearing out an entire section of the bar as fast as possible.  And the worst thing about the Crop Duster is that he never owns up to it, so you could be talking to someone and will have to convince him/her that it wasn't your own putrid ass that just unleashed hell.

2. Fishhooks in the Pockets/Alligator Arms.  You're out with all your friends, and every time it's this guy's turn to buy, he is sneaking outside for a smoke, to the men's room, or anywhere he and his wallet won't have to get involved.  Or better yet, he wants $12 craft beers all night, but when it's his turn, it's Bud in cans all around for his men.  What a swell guy!  

1. Dude Thinks It's Roadhouse.  Some guys out there don't feel their night is complete unless they have gotten into a fight, and it doesn't matter what it's about.  Sometimes it's insane jealousy, others it's about who's sports team is better, but It could be an argument about something as stupid as Mac VS PC, Star Trek VS Star Wars, or "Little Mermaid" or "Lion King."  What matters is that they are finally going to get to punch someone in the face and possibly get arrested, where they could very well land in the same cell as the guy they fought and kick back up that "Little Mermaid" debate and ring the bell for round two.  Listen, pal, you'll never be as cool as Dalton in "Roadhouse," you'll never rip out a throat, but you will either land in jail, get beat up by four bouncers, and have to explain your shiner at work on Monday.  So just relax and drink your beer, maybe try some yoga or something, and put away your dukes.


A) All this being said, I think I have been, I have been 7 out of 10 of these fellas, and sometimes more than one in a night.  But at least I'm conscious of which bar behaviors are bad, and that is half the battle.  How about you?

B) Honorable mention goes the Overzealous Drinking Game Guy.  He wants everyone to play his drinking games, but we just want to have good conversation.  Is it possible he has nothing worthwhile to say, and that's why he insists on these stupid games?  And what's more, I don't need rules to tell me when to pour gallons of booze down my gullet.  I do just fine without being forced, so shut up, right?  Should this guy crack the top 10, and if so, who should get bumped out?

C) Any other additions that you would like to submit?


Mr. Shife said...

Nice post, Dr. Ken. I love it. I think you have nailed it. I'm pretty sure I've been 10 out 10 guys in one night. Currently I'm just being the crop duster to my wife and guess who is not getting laid tonight … this guy. Have a good weekend, buddy.

Anonymous said...

hahah I agree w.your mate above. Excellent Post. You did totally nail it. Although, is there a female version of this? I might work on it, with you? I loved roadhouse too, so any mention of Patrick Swayze, RIP, is gonna get my vote.

Cocaine Princess said...

Good list!

The Roadhouse scenario is funny & it's quite true about #7.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: Keep crop dusting that family. It will make them tougher.

Honey: Swayze was quite a loss. Never did make that "Roadhouse 2" when he was an aging boxer. I would watch that for sure. Even if straight to video.

Coke: I like 7 because it gets the ladies involved. Otherwise it's a pretty man centered post.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I have to admit a certain interest, and possible sympathy, for the crop duster. What effect does alcohol have on the bowels? Maybe its antiseptic qualities would be beneficial, but does it get that far into the alimentary canal?

I like using the Latin phrase "Quo Vadis?" to mean "Who farted?", even though it's a mistranslation.

David Oliver said...

I live in a dry county - yes they still exist, incredibly. Oddly enough this made me wish, once again that we could have local bars. I really like bars and recognize all the characters you mentioned. You know though, I think they are the exception. For all the bad experiences I've had in a bar, I've had way more fun times. It's hard to beat just getting high and enjoying the company of friends...and strangers.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Some people do have awful gas, but those people gotta step into the men's room or step outside. I know it's a hassle, but we all can't smell that all night long. i have been out and nearly puked from it and then smelled the same exact smell moments later, so you know it's the same guy. Yucky.

David: True. One could just as easily make a Best People At the Bar list.

Carrie Rubin said...

Ten more reasons for me to avoid bars. I don't miss that scene (not that I was ever much into it). Much prefer a beer at home with a remote in my hand and a flat-screen in front of me...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Much appreciated.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Carrie: I am a much better drinker at home by myself. I had one last night. If I was in a bar dealing with people like this, I would have had no less than 20. I'll add you to the blogroll!

JerseySjov said...

Crop Duster right here! No one suspects the pretty girl!
You could combine Bar Loner and Inescapable Convo guy into one to let in Drinking Games Guy. I, too, do not need rules to tell me when to drink. Especially if the game involved a deck of cards

Jimmy Fungus said...

This makes bar hopping sound terrifying. Just going to a coffee house is intimidating enough for me. If I was going to drink I would get O'douls non-alcoholic brew and drink it at home. Unfortunately, buying beer is also too socially awkward for me... the cashier might think I am trying to be cool or something, so I stick to Sanka.

Mr. Shife said...

Hi Dr. Ken. Have a good weekend.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: Drinking games I think are for people who don't know how to socialize. I wouldn't have suspected you of crop dusting before, but now you will be a prime suspect.

Fungus: A cup of Sanka sounds terrific. And Tang. Can we open a place where we just serve the two of those?

Shife: Wow. I know it's too long between posts when someone comes by to leave a second comment. Hope you enjoyed your weekend too, sir.