Sunday, February 12, 2017

I saw my good friend, Oates, at a Super Bowl party. It had been a long time since I had seen him. He is that guy who gets a girlfriend and then completely disappears, and he has demonstrated that it is a consistent pattern in all three of the committed relationships I have seen him in. Also, he typically likes mean and nasty princess bitch types. You see, Oates can be a little vain. He dresses very nicely, his hair is always styled perfectly with every hair right in place, and he expects the same from the women he chooses. Oates is a great guy, but the problem is, those types of women are sometimes terrible people. When he has one of those girlfriends in his life, he never brings them out around us, and in the rare cases when he does, he acts completely different - not himself.

But on Super Bowl Sunday the one he has been seeing is there, she is a great-looking gal, and she could not be nicer. And Oates was completely acting like good-old-Oates, being himself. There were a lot of babies crawling around the joint, and one of his former ladies would not agree to commit to a baby party. Probably partly out of fear of getting spit-up on her posh clothing (I wanted to use a name brand here, but I have no idea what is nice these days). Oates' lady could not get enough babies, as a matter of fact. She must have held four or five babies through the course of the four quarters, Lady Gaga's bungee jumping halftime performance, and the overtime.

The party was over at my buddy Haircut's place, and Haircut's son who just turned three was examining his foxy patient (Oates' Lady), checking her heart beat (but maybe more to check her boobies?), giving her shots and laughing hysterically, and trying to amputate her toes with a pair of scissors. Haircut said that his boy actually likes the company of pretty ladies. He is no dummy.

At one point I am walking around holding my guy, Baby Erik, sipping my Zombie Dust (that's a beer) and dipping things into crab dip with my spare hand, and I notice Oates' female companion smiling and staring at me. I walked over to the fridge to get a fresh beer, popped it open, looked up, and there she was again gawking at me with that smile. "Dang, Dr. Ken," I thought, "You still got it, you old dog, you." Must have been my new jeans, or maybe those long jogs or all those laps I swam had really payed off. Then it dawned on me that it was what I was holding that was the object of her affection. Baby Erik had charmed another one. I asked Oates' lady if she wanted to hold him, and she jumped off the couch as if she had been waiting forever for me to ask. Waiting for me to catch on that Erik is the cute one.

"Hey, girl. You staring at that line in my fat wrist?"
This kid is quite the charmer, I must say. And Doctor Kenneth and Doctor Haircut's Son both say so.

12 comments:

LL Cool Joe said...

Haha, so it wasn't your jeans it was your cute baby.

So what did you think of Gaga's performance?

mistress maddie said...

Are we sure it wasn't the jeans?!?!? Yes Erik has that,charmer look in his eye. He may be a hand full when he get older........

Exile on Pain Street said...

Ah ha. You thought it was you. Hilarious. When I had my first daughter, my brother said, "Do you know how you've been number one your whole life?" I said, "Yeahhhhhh!" He said, "Well, now your number three. And be glad you don't have a dog or you'd be number four." He was right, of course. I have the dog now and at last count, I'm number five. Let that be a lesson to you.

Gorilla Bananas said...

That lady needs to get a bun in her oven pretty quick! Do you think Titus Oates is ready to settle down, what with her being so nice and all?

Jimmy Fungus said...

I have had so many friends that completely change when they get into a relationship (and not in a good way). Though maybe Oates has abandonment issues because of Hall deciding to pursue a solo career.. that could be it. I have heard this about babies being chick magnets. I guess that is a good thing because when women lose interest in babies that is pretty much the end of humans.

E. Rosewater said...

bummer man, and erik wil get way more xmas gifts than you too.

but as tony soprano always said, this is the life we chose.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

GOD DANG IT! I just deleted all my comments on accident. Here goes again.

Cool Joe: So I was a little buzzed up, but I remember it being pretty good. I guess I would rather it be rock bands like AC/DC and Guns N' Roses. I'm a rocker at heart. Pop music isn't my thing.

Mistress: He charms everybody for real. It's amazing to see how happy he can make everyone by smiling at them, and he doesn't even know he is doing it.

Exile: It's true. Daddies are the last in line, but it's good to be the daddy. We get the big piece of chicken, I am told.

Gorilla: They may have went right into that baby making that night. Oates better watch out. She may poke holes in all his Jimmy hats.

Jimmy: That is DEEP, man! It's that love of babies that women have that keeps the human race going. Erik being such cute son of a gun is causing over population . . .

Rosewater: True. And Tony was a pretty good dad, right? Uh . . . HahHAHAHAHA. Was Swearengin on "Deadwood" a dad?

Kono said...

Women love a dude with a kid, trust me, i know, they're better than dogs on those sunny days at the park... and the real treat of kiddos is the fact you'll feel obligated to clean their plate for them, so things like extra cake or bacon or the last doughnut, shit can't go to waste so dad gets it... that is of course until they reach a certain age, i have this long and lanky 10 year old who can eat a ton, i often wonder where it goes and why he still looks malnourished but the kid just tears through shit, i'm expecting it to only get worse as he gets older. I do like E's style of wearing his bib like a cape.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kono: people are just cool in general to daddies. I was in the liquor store and people were parting like the Red Sea for me as me and baby picked out our booze. I do worry about the days where I'm polishing off all the chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese. There is no stopping the dad bod. It's already beginning. Your boy has killer metabolism. Tell him to enjoy it. Erik is big pimping that cape because he's already a damn superhero in my book.

Mr. Shife said...

Yep, dude, it's over. The ladies just want your baby. It's rough. The transition for me was difficult. Sexy man beast one day and then a milk-stained sweatpanted dad the next. =) Good luck buddy.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

So true. Everything has spit up stains on it. I thought about getting one nice pair of jeans that I only slip on when I'm literally about to leave the house. This dude always barfs on me, more than anyone else. Maybe I rough house too much and shake him up like a can of soda. Cute little can of soda

ชื่อที่แสดง said...

Are we sure it wasn't the jeans?!?!? Yes Erik has that,charmer look in his eye. He may be a hand full when he get older........

thanks for sharing...

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