Saturday, November 11, 2006

I'm Really Pissed at Somebody


Have you ever been so mad at someone that you picture various ways of torturing him/her? The mode of choice for inflecting intense pain upon the rat bastard I have in mind involves laying his nuts on a cutting board and pounding them out flat with a meat tenderizer like a couple of chicken breasts.

15 comments:

Drunken Chud said...

in the picture you're using the flat end. i think you need to use the multifaceted end. oh the pain. however, my personal favorite would have to be torturing someone with a dermotome. it's the instrument used to "shave" off a couple layers of skin for use in skin grafts. yeah, picture the hell you could put someone through with that.

hamburger helper said...

that's a lot of pent up anger, there, buddy. have you considered seeing a social worker? i know a great guy if you need a recommendation...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Multifaceted! So true! That's the end I'd use, but that's not my hand in the picture, it's whoever I came across on googleimages. Hey Chud, I added you to my favorite page, because you're funnier than hell.

Hamburger: The anger is swelling in me. If I were a Jedi I could be swayed to the dark side SO easily right now. I'm already on the nerd side, I suppose. No coaxing needed.

Ms Smack said...

All. The. Time. Sometimes I scare myself. I also [and this is going to sound really delusional] have imaginery fights with them, where I say the witty, cutting remark, I wish I could say in person.

Because the idiot I hate is work related, I went to see a psychologist who is contracted through our business. He recommended I read 'Working with Monsters' by John Clarke. If your moron is work-related, I suggest you read it. Its brilliant.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I don't own a meat tenderizer. I buy all my meat pre-tenderized.

However, I do possess a ball peen hammer which comes in quite handy.

Scooter said...

Oh, what a pussy way to torture someone. If you really want to inflict mind-melting pain, You need to think small.

A boobing pin that pricks hundreds of tiny holes on the areola, and then vingar poured on top of it.

Just two drops of hydrochloric acid on each eyelid.

Capture them, then car bomb a loved one, and capture it on videodisc. Put it on a DVD, and put it on continuous loop in front of them.

A water tight room, and a drip, drip drip of water eight feet above his head. Fear of drowning is horrible, although drowning itself is said to be euphoric, so you might just drain it right before he drowns, and start over again, until he dies.

There are more, but I'd rather you think them up yourself...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Dyk: You may have to lend me that bad boy, because I think I can definitely incorporate it into my regiment.

Scooter: Welcome aboard. Those all sound like painful, methodical, and traumatizing forms of torture. However, I need to swing something at this asshole to get some of my aggression out. How about I tenderize his ball bag right quick, and then I let Scooter go to work on him for a couple of hours?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Honeysmack: I TOTALLY have those imaginary verbal exchanges with people when I say the awesome stuff I'm too chicken to really say. I've had a couple of those type of fantasies with the jerk in question, but then after all my witty comments I end up beating him down physically. I think a pile-driver onto the pavement, splitting his head like a melon is a current favorite.

darci ann said...

i'm so intrigued - what'd they do?

andy said...

Props to dyck for using 'ball peen hammer'. That's some good shit.

As a dude, I'm usually against blows to the business (well I guess that really depends...) Although, if it helps, I was at a bar (in Indiana, surprise..)once where midgets were staple gunning each others' junk. Just an idea...

Cherry Ride said...

Jeez, Ken. Just because I didn't post this weekend is no reason to get so angry. Sorry!

classyandfancy said...

I would suggest punji sticks or the pinchers of peril . . .

God's Child said...

I'm a girl but that mental picture hurt me.

Scooter said...

How is short people stapling their bean bags entertainment?

mushroom said...

mmm testicle schnitzel