Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Iguana Story

When I was in Mexico a few years back, I met this guy named Brett from Indiana, who is one of the funniest guys, both intentionally and unintentionally, I've ever met. In fact, he provided me with a few of the expressions on my funniest expressions post, AND he gave me The Iguana Story, which I'm about to share with you, my beloved seven readers.

While he and I were sipping on our miami vice's, a mixture of strawberry dacquari and pina colada swirled together (you simply must try one of these), with his peripheral vision, he caught a glimpse of a spider moving suddenly, and he wigged out. I asked him what was wrong, and with his southern drawl he responded, "I don't like fuckin' spiders. I hate when, like, you see somethin', and then it moves all of a sudden . . ." He then launched into the iguana story, to illustrate his point, and for that I am eternally grateful:

I had a pet iguana once, and when I was buying somethin' for it at the pet store, this dude working there was doin' like a demonstration, lettin' one of um' crawl all over him. Just as he's sayin' what docile creatures they are, or whatever, the thing bites into his neck, and blood spurts out everywhere. It was fuckin' messed up! I knew what I had to do: I had to get rid of my iguana, or suffer the same fate as the pet-store-dude. I read somewhere that if you just turn um' loose in cold temperatures, they die in a coupla' hours. So, I drove out miles away to an open field and turned the son bitch loose. About a month later I open up my gym bag to find an iguana in there, snarlin' and a' hissin' at me! I have never been so a'scared in my whole life. I quickly grabbed my book bag full of text books, and beat the motherfucker to death."


Well, that was The Iguana Story. It's been in the blog can for about a year now, and it seemed like a good time tell it. I swear to God, Brett was shaken up just telling the story. How did that thing find its way all the way back home and into his gym bag? I'm "a'scared" now too thinking about it! Well, seven readers, I hope that this Saturday evening finds you with your beers cold and your gym bags iguana-free.

Sincerely,

The Gancer

21 comments:

Steph said...

That is indeed messed up! I hate reptiles as pets. NO good can come from that.

kb said...

"a spider moved out of the corner of his eye, and he wigged out."

for a moment, i thought a spider crawled out from his eye socket.

i would have wigged out too.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I think it is wrong to kill a pet, just because you suddenly grow afraid of it.

However, I am still laughing about this story.

Jay said...

I'm with KB -- I also though a spider had crawled out of his eye. Even worse if an iguana does it though.

From now on, I'm checking my gym bag very carefully for iguanas...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: You won't find me with a lizard as a pet any time soon, especially after rehashing that tale.

KB: That would be REALLY messed up! Downright creepy.

Cherry: I see your point, but the lizard shouldn't have hissed at him. I, for one, would not object to walking down the street book-bagging lizards at random.

Jay: After seeing two comments with misunderstandings, I changed the wording.

Jingoistic said...

Reptiles make amazing pets! Not that I've had one, I'm just assume they would...

Anonymous said...

awesome iguana story...they race hamsters at my local pet shop and it is too sad to watch.
d.chedwick

Mr Shife said...

I just checked all my gym bags and there were no iguanas. But I did find a pair of old nasty socks that smelled like a dead iguana.

K.I.D. said...

That was one disturbing story...daquiris swirled in with pina coladas???

Oh the humanity!

mysterygirl! said...

That is an amazing story-- it's like The Incredible Journey, but instead of beloved dogs and cats making their way home it's with an angry iguana hell-bent on vengeance. Makes me want to check up on my gym bags.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I met an iguana once. Slimy little bastard, but he saved me a fortune on my car insurance.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jingo: Biting into your jugular is "amazing" but not so much a "good pet." Thanks for coming by!

D. Chedwick: Do you mean like a foot race or like a race to see which hampster gets eaten by the Iguana? If it's the former I'm all for it. The latter sounds a little too Wild Kingdom for me.

Shife: Maybe that's why the iguana in the gym bag was so mad. He coudln't take the smell anymore.

K.I.D.: It sounds gross, but it's devine, especially when you're sipping one at a swim-up bar.

Mystery: Yeah, I would like to have heard that iguana tell all about his journey before he got beat to death. Maybe he was trying to snarl and hiss the story to him.

Mighty: If your premiums go up, beat him to death with a book bag.

classyandfancy said...

For all the girl drink drunk enthusiats, I suggest trying the swirl (frozen margaritas swirled with frozen sangria) at Uncle Julio's, it's hallucination inducing.

And that Brett, talk about stream of consciousness.

ps. at last count it's over 10 readers.

Sizzler Sister said...

I'm really surprised that nobody except Classy & Fancy and K.I.D. have touched on what a phenomenally pussy drink you admitted having!

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Ha, oh my god, is that true? That's awful and funny at the same time. I actually love lizards and snakes and all things "slimy" as I grew up with them (my parents both worked at a nature conservatory where I helped care for them), but I wouldn't want something as a pet that could take a chunk out of my neck. Although....my dog does have pretty sharp teeth....

chuckdaddy2000 said...

Do you think the iguana really found its way back into his gym bag or did he drive out there and then just forget to release it? (Seems like something I would do- forgetting something that is, not peticide).

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: Okay, a trip to Uncle Julio's is in order right when you get back from Europe. I smell a www.theliarsclub.com meeting . . .

Sizzler: Hey! You have to drink tropical drinks in Mexico! You're forced to at gunpoint, I swear.

Anonymous: I don't trust lizards. They look too much like Dragons, and I killed dragons with my level 30 fighter/cleric in Dungeons & Dragons. I've said too much . . .

Chuck: This dude was kind of a drunk, so he may have forgotten to turn the thing loose. Either way, funny story. Man, I miss that cat. I haven't seen him in years, and I think I have like 3 bad emails.

XSChat said...

Oh
My

Gawd !!


hahahahahahaha

Matt said...

Thanks, now I have the added paranoia of checking my gym bag for iguanas every time I open it!

What would ever make someone want one as a pet in the first place?!

Big Pissy said...

I never knew that people from Indiana spoke like people here in Hell.

Go figure!

p.s. lizards, snakes, etc. = AIEEEE!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Matt: You better not have one in your bag when you come to 'the states.'

Pissy: His speech reeks of awesomeness.