Sunday, February 18, 2007

Lando Calrissian: Cloud City Entrepaneur or Everyday Cock-Blocker?

Empire Strikes Back came on HBO today. Let me get this out of the way, and then I'll get to the topic at hand. Remember When Han Solo was about to be frozen in carbonite, Chewbacca was freaking out about it, and Han has to calm "Chewy", his BFF, down, and he tells him to take care of the Princess? Now it's possible that I'm overly emotional from drinking three days in a row, which I admit does happen to me sometimes, but I was fighting back tears so as not to get busted blubbering by my roomies during that scene. That is equal parts nerd and pussy, wouldn't you say?

Anyway, Lando gets a lot of heat by Star Wars fans for turning over Han Solo, his long-time friend, to the Empire, which led to Han getting frozen in carbonite. However, Lando had little choice in the matter, and he does redeem himself in later scenes, and again and again in Return of the Jedi, the next installment in the Star Wars Saga. What Lando should get more flack about is his outright, unabashed, cock-blocking. The second Lando meets Princess Leia, he starts playing mack daddy on her. Never was there a conversation like, "Hey, this chick, is she with you?" No! He immediately says, "Hello, what do we have here?" I'll tell you what we have here, Lando: Blatant, intergalactic cock-blocking. Even after he sees Han holding hands, and it was clear they were an item, Lando still lays down his pimp-daddy vibe on her.

He's been called a scoundrel, he's been called a traitor, but here at The Gancer, the good doctor is going on record and saying that Lando is a blocker of cocks from his long, blue cape to his Colt 45.

20 comments:

Big Pissy said...

ya know....I never thought about this before....but I think you're right.

Good call!

K.I.D. said...

Dude. What if Leia had jungle fever? You can't blame Lando for exploring the possibility.

Steph said...

You lost me at the first mention of Stars Wars. I fecking hate it.

mysterygirl! said...

"Blatant, intergalactic cock-blocking" = beautiful. Well said. I always hated Lando, and maybe this was part of the reason why. Besides, you know, that traitor stuff.

Grad School Reject said...

So MG! sends me a message saying, "You have to go to this blog and read it right away." After reading, I am even more convinced that she is a good friend. I watched the same thing today, and if you haven't seen the new revamped "Return of the Jedi"....brace yourself. They have superimposed Hayden Christensen into the ending of the movie.

And I think the Colt 45 is most certainly Pimp Juice.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Couple things:
1) Crying during Star Wars = big-time pussy (unless you're watching episodes 1-3 and they're tears of frustration).
2) I think you refer to Chewbacca as a "he" when in fact Chewie is a "she." (I think? Right?)
3) As you say, Lando didn't have a lot of choice, but he did rig the carbon chamber for a quick release/escape. Plus, Han was going down anyway - better to have Lando choose how than for Boba Fett to be in charge (good lord, I didn't realize what a geek I was until this very moment).
4) Good call on the cock-blocking.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Pissy: He's a C-blocker, and that's all he'll ever be to me.

K.i.d.: I guess it was worth a shot. I've only seen two people in the original 3 movies who were Black, so if she did have jungle fever, she would have almost certainly jumped at that opportunity, and she seemed repulsed by him and didn't trust him. How fun is it to think about C-blocking and jungle fever in terms of Star Wars?

Steph: We love you anyway, but I think you have to let your inner-nerd breathe a little, especially since most nerds have asthma and/or multiple allergies.

MG: Thanks the props, and thanks for referring Grad School Reject to me! You claim to hate Lando, but if you were visiting Cloud City, and he was throwing his weight around to give you a night on the town, and swooning over you, I think you'd come around.

GSR: I HATE the touched-up, computerized scenes they've added to The Holy Trilogy. I'm glad you came by! Readers, go to this cat's site. He can put it down for the '07.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: 1. Come on, you don't get a tear in your eye when Yoda bites it, or when Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru get lit up, or how about when Luke is staring at those two moons or suns, or whatever they are, and the music kicks in? Don't lie! I'm asking Richard if you're telling the truth.

2 and 3: You are a big ol' Star Wars Nerd. I had no idea.

4: Glad you agree with ONE thing I've said on this post. I think I've been out-nerded.

Mr Shife said...

I think I am more concerned about your nerd and pussy egos battling for control of your soul.

Jay said...

...and that is worse than any amount of selling someone out to a galactic empire

RevRee said...

Hahahahahahah

My favorite line: "I love you..." "I know..."

LOVE IT!

5 of 9er said...

Colt 45... works every time.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: You're right! It's like the good and Dark Side battling for control, only both my sides are bad in most respects.

Jay: I couldn't agree more!

Rev: That is such a pimp move, but my friends and I always thought he should get frozen flipping the middle finger, just as permanent f-you to Jabba.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

9er: There is a line when Lando says, "This deal is getting worse all THE TIME," and it sounds just like his Colt 45 tag line.

classyandfancy said...

The mayor of Columbus looks like Lando and he's a pimp. I saw him eating $50 steaks with a fine ass not his wife, wait, maybe it was Lando.

Ms Smack said...

Real men cry.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Columbus is kind of like Cloud City, Classy.

Smack: Real men cry, and real BADASS men cry about Star Wars.

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Anonymous said...

Chewie is a guy. HE has a wife and kid(s?), and his nephew, the Jedi Knight Lowbacca, calls him Uncle. If you don't believe me, look it up.
starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Chewbacca

As for Lando, I have always believed two things about him: 1, he had no choice in the "betrayal" matter and it was the Empire that betrayed him by taking over Cloud City when they promised to leave it alone; and 2, Lando is the only Black guy in the SW Galaxy. I can now add a third fact to that list: Lando's a cock-blocking pimp.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Thanks for the input, Anonymous. And I'm glad we're agreed that he's a cock blocking SOB.