Thursday, January 21, 2010

Anyone Ever Do Dorky Shit Like This?

I had tons of groceries in my trunk packed into four huge, re-usable, eco friendly bags. As I wrapped a bag around both arms and grabbed the other two in each hand, I started in with the English accent . . .

Announcer 1: "Gancey Van Gancerson is one of the most mammoth men you'll come across, and the Grocery Carry, although an event he usually excels at, is going to prove difficult with the nagging injuries he sustained in the Pickle Jar Opening. It looks like he has a solid grip upon those bags, each weighing at least three stones. He looks as if he's in severe pain, but he has a quality waddle going.

Announcer 2: Why the waddle, Jim?

Announcer 1 (Jim?): It helps shift the weight so that the knees don't feel like they're going right into Old Gancey's shins, and, oh, we have a dog walker coming, and he's not going to get out of the way!


Announcer 2: Yes, but couldn't he just set them down or swerve out of the way?

Jimbo: Are you shitting me? If he sets them down, he's pussing out, but if he maneuvers around them, that's extra steps out of his way that he can ill afford to take at this stage. And, oh, yes, he's giving the dog walker a sorry look, as if moving would be, and, yes, he's home free now!


Announcer 2: So, he's going to set them down at the steps?

Jimbo: No way!!! This is where we separate the men from the boys in the Strongest Everyman contest. He's looking good . . . Oh, he may tip over and send cans of spaghettiOs flying everywhere . . .

Announcer 2: He eats those? What is he? 5?

Jimbo: And he's leveled it out and made it to the door! What an effort! Just listen to this crowd. He's certainly a showman and a crowd pleaser!

Announder 2: This is stupid. Why didn't he just make 2 trips?

Jimbo: Because, asshole, that would be missing the whole point . . . you know, I just don't know why you announce this thing if you're just going to shit all over it . . .

So, anyone ever do shit like that?

7 comments:

blamemyrobot said...

Hahahaha! yes I do shit like that all the time! And its always during menial tasks... and I sometimes get the McGyver song in my head while I'm doing it. Speaking of songs, Wu-Tangs Proteck Ya Neck is playing on your blog as I type this... Thanks!

HeatherLynn said...

ummm....yes. last night in fact, I pretended to be Robert stack {mimicking his voice and everything} of Unsolved Mysteries, and broke down {to my best friend on the phone} the mystery of my last pseudo-relationship....asking for any information on solving the mystery to call the number at the bottom of the screen....

I find life is better in color....your english accent, my robert stack...that's color.

~hl~

JerseySjov said...

i sometimes find myself thinking of life in terms of facebook statuses: JerseySjov is... commenting on blogs/still not over her cold/excited to drink a bottle of wine by herself tonight!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Robot: The McGyver theme is way cooler than the Mission Impossible theme, which seems to be the standard for things like that. Keep coming by, robot! I assume you found me through Shife?

Lyn: Good call on Unsolved Mysteries. I used to watch that show when I was a kid and home alone, and always convince myself that the people were living on my block, like the Unibomber, who I first saw on that show with the famous sketch. I thought for sure he was my bus driver because my buss driver had a moustache - that's all I needed . . .

Jov: Yeah, I do that too, and I write entire blogs. It's not good for socialization because I'm writing in my head instead of actually interacting.

Steph said...

Um.......no, but nice to see how you amuse yourself you loon!

blamemyrobot said...

Actually I found your blog a couple yrs ago (can't remember how), when I had another blog. Been out of the blogosphere for a while and I have just recently returned, and remembered you were a good blog I used to read.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: Okay, so it's just me. : )

Robot: What was your old name?