Monday, January 25, 2010

What Is The Top One Grossest Things To Eat At a China Buffet:



They sat in a metal tin, they all had fifty legs a piece, they kind of looked like cockroaches, and I swear I saw one of them move.

I walked back to my table, hoping that no stowaway crawdads jumped onto my plate, and I heard one guy say to another, "What about The Joshua Tree? Do you have that one? That's my favorite." This was weird not because this particular one was his favorite because it's like likely a lot of people's favorite, but because he said it in a way that suggested that he thought maybe his dining partner had never heard of this disc - the one with "With or Without You," "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," and "Where the Streets Have No Name." Yeah. That one. Who hasn't heard of that one? U2 is the equivalent of Matt Damon to me: I like them, but I have an irrational hatred towards them. That's too strong. I do hate Matt Damon, mostly because he has to be a genius in every movie, but that's for another blog. U2 I don't hate - I just don't dig on them too much. I admit they're good, they're important, but I just don't dig.

If someone told me that I could pay $75 for a mid level U2 ticket or $7.99 for a so-so China Buffet, I'm taking egg rolls and pot stickers every time, I'm drizzling sweet and sour sauce on those bitches like its syrup over flap jacks, and I'm getting me some hot tea and a sugar cookie, maybe even some soft served ice cream.

Yes U2 is good. Yes they have managed to make albums that don't suck even when they got old. But no I don't choose an evening with Bono over supper with General Tso. Sorry, but I'm not going to go see U2 at The Garden when I can just as easily get Lo Mein at the strip mall.

This could quite possibly be the most pointless blog I've ever written, but I'm over-tired, restless, and full of rooster sauce.


Kadonkadonk said...

I am not a fan of Matt Damon either. Unless I am watching The Bourne movies. Then I can't help but realize how effing hot Jason Bourne is.

JerseySjov said...

cock sauce! i love that stuff. when i go for vietnamese [not a buffet, but cheap and they give you a lot] i mix it up with plum sauce and drench everything.

sister said...

I would love to have an evening Bono or even some morning Bono or maybe a nooner here and there . . . Too funny you posted this. I have a couple of U2 C.D.s and keep thinking I need to upload them to itunes, but I never seem to care enough to have them rotate in with my "shuffle."

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Donk: Yeah. F. that guy. : )

Jov: Did you just say that you love the cock sauce? That's going to make you a popular girl around the campus.

Sister: Yeah. We've heard all those songs a zillion times, right?

Mr. Shife said...

I only hit the China Buffet if I am interested in getting an awesome case of diarrhea. Maybe it is just the ones around my town or maybe it is my fragile stomach but me and the China Buffet do not get along. And as far as U2 goes I was into them a lot more when I was younger and before Bono tried saving the world. Not that saving the world is a bad thing but he changed, man.

blamemyrobot said...

And like a Chinese Buffet, 30 minutes experiencing U2 you feel completely unsatisfied.

Jenni said...

Chinese buffet's are blasphemous to real, good, Chinese food and they make me want to cry.

Maybe it's the strange and excessive supply of cherry jello, or watching people drown the tasteless mound of blah on their plate with sweet and sour sauce, or it could simply be my own personal dislike of eating anywhere that has a sneeze guard. Either way, I give Chinese Buffet's a big, fat thumbs down.

U2 on the other hand, I will give an enthusiastic two thumbs up. You can't tell me that you don't get the chills whenever you hear "All I want Is You."
That shit turns me into a puddle. Every. Damn. Time.

JerseySjov said...

dont be crude, cock is another word for rooster ;)

Miss Organizized said...

1. Cock sauce rules the mofo'n school...the more the merrier!

2. Joshua Tree is totally my least fave of all U2. And trust me, I'm like the biggest U2 freak of all time. I used to go the library in high school and check out all the U2 books and then take notes about Bono, aka Paul Hewson. I wrote "Bono rocks" in colored markers on napkins at Barnes & Noble and put them into random books EVERY May 10th (aka Paul's birthday). My car was known as the Bonomobile because it was decked out in 38742935 Irish-related paraphernalia. When I turned 18, I immediately got a shamrock tattooed to my lower back and I have not ONE percent of Irish in my bloodline.

And I still don't really like Joshua Tree. Soooooo played.

Heff said...

Relax. I'll be MORE than happy to hate U2, and Bono's constant "save the world" attitude for BOTH of us.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: "An awesome case" can be a lot of fun. Sometimes you can thread a needle from 50 yards.

Blame: They are the same in that respect, and I'm quite sure China Buffet owners and Bono have never thought about it.

Jov: Yeah, sometimes I'm crude, but "cock sauce" is a funny term for semen, you have to admit.

Miss O: Wow. You are a fan. I'm not sure if I'm the Number One China Buffet Fan, but I'm up there.

Heff: Bono doesn't seem like your type of guy. You're more of a Lemmy guy.