Sunday, January 03, 2010

The End of the Argument Settler's Reign

The Internet has killed the notion of simply wondering things. I used to lie in bed and say, "I wonder what ever became of Pete Willis, original lead guitar player for Def Leppard . . . " I'd wonder things like that, and I'd concoct stories in my head as to the possibilities. Maybe he became a roadie or a junkie, or maybe he was a junkie/roadie who had to become what he feared becoming the most: a guitarist for a Def Leppard cover band. Not anymore do I wonder such things. Not for long. Now I can look it up and have an answer instantly, and I always do - on the internet. I can't sleep until I've looked it up, and there are times where I will reach over for the lap top two or three times to look up dumb things I just have to know to rest at ease.

By wondering, we could formulate guesses at things, come up with our own ideas, and this is what people did thousands of years ago. This is what man did when he stared into the sky at the stars and tried to figure out what they were, like, "Uh, those three shiney ones there? That's part of a guy named Orion, a hunter, and he killed lions and stuff. Those three, they're his friggin' belt cause he's an ass kicker. He used to whip lions with that belt, and Metallica thought that was a badass move, so they wrote an eight minute plus instrumental about him." That's how we wrote stories - we made shit up. Now, now we log on to, get our answer, and go back to our boring lives, knowing everything under the sun and thus, we're wholly uncreative bores.

It's also killed the notion of the guy you call who knows lots of useless stuff - the Argument Settler. There were those times where your friend insisted on being right about something you know is wrong, such as Eric Clapton writing "I Shot the Sheriff**," or J.R. was shot by Patrick Duffy, and you know he's wrong, but he just doesn't believe you. The only guy who could convince him he's dead wrong was the Argument Settler. So, you called up The Settler, figured out what's what, and drank free beer bought by your dumb friend cause he was wrong and dumb. You never need to call me, I mean, that guy, anymore cause now that guy is The Internet, and everyone is getting stinking drunk off drinks bought from scores settled by Mr. Internet, and no one is storing any of the information away themselves, like so many dumb-dumbs who can't find their way around in their cars without Mapquest.

Anyone with me here, or am I just getting a case of the butter-churners/barn raisers?
*He now runs a property management business in Sheffield, England.
**I had a friend who actually thought this, and after showing him a CD that said Marley wrote the thing, he still was not convinced. No information superhighway or phoning any friend, even Clapton himself, could have set this ding-dong straight.


Miss Organizized said...

I consider myself an internet search master and I am proud of my mad skills. But now you have shown me the error of my ways. I have shoved my imagination into a dusty shoebox under my bed. And I am ashamed.


But I still reeeeeally get off on proving people wrong via the internet! It's an addiction!

Heff said...

Huh. I figured Pete Willis was probably playing billiards somewhere with Paul Dianno.

Sister said...

Dude, I still use you as my phone-a-friend!!

JerseySjov said...

i dislike how my friends all have blackberries/iphones to look up info, especially since i used to be The Settler. i mean, they usually prove me right, but it makes me yearn for the days when i could win an argument by putting on my convincing face and yelling.

Jenni said...

I have unlimited internet access on my blackberry for this explicit purpose.
It comes in really handy when you have those things you're trying to remember that are just on the tip of your tongue that drive you CrAzY!
Or for looking up what happened to little Andy from Family Ties which, consequently, is better left to the imagination.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Org: Yes, keep proving those dummies wrong!

Heff: Did you just come out of retirement? Maybe Pete Willis will come out of retirement too!

Sister: That's true. Why don't all those lawyers have internet ready phones?

Jov: Yes. Even if the internet proves me wrong, I'm yelling at people.

Jenni: Yes, Andy . . . I do recall something crazy. I'm clicking that link now.

HeatherLynn said...

all I'm sayin on this one, is YES, I'm with you.


Mr. Shife said...

Yes the Internet has definitely ruined some things for us but think about all the good it has brought us like free porn. Hope you had a good birthday and it is not too cold out there in the Midwest. Take care and long live the Argument Settler.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Lyn: Welcome aboard. Let's raise a barn.

Shifey: Yes! Long live the Argument Settler. Word is bond!