Tuesday, June 07, 2011

I Hate Small Talk. So, I Do This Sort of Thing


(Dr. Ken bumps into an old "friend" at the bar)

Other Guy: Dr. Ken! It's been a while! What have you been up to?

Dr. Ken: You know. S.O.S. You?

OG: (Talks for way too long about himself. And then . . .) Are you still writing?

DK: Not really. Kabuki Theater has been my new passion, and that takes up the majority of my time, to be honest.

OG: That's so awesome! Wait, what is that again?

DK: Oh, well, you know, a group of us guys paint ourselves white and perform. All the women parts too, which is usually what I get stuck with, being the new guy and all. Okay, I had better get back to my friends, but great seeing you.

OG: Hold on just a minute. When is the next performance?

DK: Oh, we're sort of in between theaters right now so it's a little up in the air, but we're fixin' to keep the Kabuki going. Kabuki or die is what we say in the industry. We're down for life. I mean, it is quite a commitment, especially since the traditional white paint we use doesn't wear off until the middle of the next week of our day jobs, so we kind of look like splotchy albinos until at least Wednesday. But, we suffer for our art. For our Kabuki.

OG: Wow! You've always been . . . different. You got a Facebook or a Myspace for your theater group?

DK: No way, man. Kabuki has always been sort of underground, and that's the way we like it. We don't tell a soul until 20 minutes before the show, at which time we run out onto the streets in full makeup and swords and round up folks, usually tourists. Scared ones. It's more organic that way.

OG: Yeah. I think I read about that in The Reader.

DK: I wouldn't doubt it. The Kabuki scene is getting a lot of press, which to me is no good. But, so be it. If it gets too commercial, we just take it deeper into the underground. Maybe cut off each others fingers to show we're true artists.

OG: That is keeping it real.

DK: No. That's keeping it Kabuki. You be good, man.

(Dr. Ken merges into the crowd, disappearing, leaving Other Guy to his phone, frantically trying in vain to look up information on the Chicago Kabuki Theater scene. Must be too underground to find . . .)

16 comments:

b.burjan said...

HA! yeah. fucking with people is fun like that. i've been all state basketball and a surfer from california..but a kabuki player? never even crossed my mind...nicely played, doc. nicely played, indeed.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Can you really make yourself look like that cartoon chick? If so, I think you should walk into a lesbian bar and try to get some action. They might be pleasantly surprised to discover you had a dick.

Aubree said...

lying to people is fun, especially strangers and people you haven't seen in forever. i try to do it as often as possible.

Anroo said...

I do it to customers & then stare at them for an awkward amount of time before telling them the truth. Serves them right to bother me with their patronage.

radioactive girl said...

You are hilarious! I love that you did this.

HeatherLynn said...

Only you dear, only you! I never regret stopping by your blog.

xoxo
~hl~

JerseySjov said...

excellent. i get too nervous when confronted with smalltalk and usually end up accidentally weirding out the other person with my blank stare/muppet face, like so: http://cdn2.screenjunkies.com/wp-content/uploads/images/2010b/themuppetsbeeker.jpg

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Burjan: I did the surfer bit that one time in line for that bar, remember?

GB: If I could look like that, I'd never leave the house.

Aubree: It is fun, but should I believe you if you're a liar?

Anroo: Giving the masses coffee and lies. You provide valuable services.

Radio: I didn't really do this. Come on! I'd have to have pretty dumb friends. : )

Lynn: Thanks for coming by again, stranger!

Jov: Blank Stare Muppet Face? I like that . . .

BeckEye said...

So you're saying you're NOT a major player in the underground Kabuki scene? I don't believe you.

HeatherLynn said...

DKN ~ yeah, yeah, i know, what can i say, i have commitment issues...

But out of all the blogs I've visited and never remember to return to.....even thought i tell myself i want to....

I never forget to come back to you!

it's kind of an anti-amnesia blog-love-affair if you will.... ;)

~hl~

Mr. Shife said...

Awesome. I swear we might be related because I have done this stuff before but I have never gone the Kabuki route. Kudos to you for this one and keep it up, aragoto-shi

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Beck: I might be. I might not be. I'm a mysterious fellow when you think about it.

Lynn: Thanks for your kind words, but I have to say, I haven't been dropping post like this every day. This one just happened to be a good one. I was pleased with it.

Shifey: Thanks. How about Kabuki for your daughter's name?

Number Eleven said...

Quite, quite brilliant. On parent's evenings get s sick of small talk l challenge myself to include at list of words in different conversations by the end of the evening. Including 'Shredless Marmalade' was particularly successful. x

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shredless Marmalade? That's a really tough one to slip into casual conversation. Very impressive . . .

Michael5000 said...

I'm trying to decide if I believe this conversation happened. I'm thinking I don't. But either way, I like it.

The Igloo Oven said...

Haha, I love this scene. Actually though if one wanted to analyze this as an allegory to your life, there may be a lot of truth to it...