Sunday, August 28, 2011

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 3 of 4

As this is the third installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.
Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.
They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 3) – Liner Notes
15. Journey "Lights"
I know this is the second song by Journey on here, and I really did not set out to have two cuts by such a goofy band. Sometimes corny songs feel good and make you laugh on a car ride, and also you want to get back to your "city by the bay," being a Bay Area girl, right? Again, the song is yet another lament by Steve Perry being away from his main squeeze. Steve Perry speaks to us, and that's not something I thought I'd ever say. Let's just move onto a better song . . .

16. Cure "Love Song"
I don't need to explain to anyone why this is an incredible song, so for this one I'm just going to paste in all the lyrics. I guarantee everyone in the world has felt at least one of the sentiments in this song. It has to be the most simultaneously depressing and uplifting song of all time. I'll just shut up and paste those lyrics:
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

-->17. Rolling Stones “Miss You”

I think the notion of sleeping all alone and waiting by the phone is kind of like how we'll feel a lot over these next two years, but if I get that call from a buddy saying he's got a case of wine and some Puerto Rican girls just dying to meet me, I'll give him a polite no thanks because I got my boo in California. I think this track adds a little funkiness and a disco vibe to the mix.

18. Janet Jackson "Miss You Much"

I thought it would be funny to include this song, but it kind of sucks, right? This is the only one I really wish I hadn't included, but with any luck you'll like it and dance like Janet in the car.

19. Inxs "I Need You Tonight"
I have always contended that this is the best booty call song of all time. This dude was so sexy. I will just never understand he could go out wanking it on a doorknob, hanging himself, or whatever. That's just no way to go.

20. Three Dog Night "Old Fashioned Love Song"

I like this cut because it reminds me of being a kid because my folks were always playing these guys on the record player, and I dig it for this list because it's about love songs and how they can make you feel, which is kind of the purpose of this endeavor, right? : )

21. Blue Image "Ride Captain Ride"

I remember hearing this one on my ipod when we were getting ready to land in San Francisco for that great trip that you and I had, falling even deeper in love and realizing that we could never get sick of each other, even in what my own buddy calls the "relationship pressure cooker:" the vacation. Chicago will always be our city, but so is San Fran because I think that's when we knew it was on for you and I even if it meant we had to get through a long distance thing or whatever else came our way.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 2 of 4

As this is the second installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.


LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 2) – Liner Notes

8. Led Zeppelin “Going to California”

Okay, again, not so creative, but I really do like this live version with the country lap steel guitar sound. “Took my chances on a big jet plane. Never let them tell you that they’re all the same.” Also, I think this line applies, given your undertaking: “Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems."

9. Travis “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time”

I mostly put this on here because you went to Britney in the second row, or whatever, but also this is a good version to have because it’s hard to find. I read an article with the Travis guy, who I think is an incredible singer, and he said that they started doing the song as a joke, but eventually he put so much heart and soul into it that the words began to mean something to him. “Oh baby I shouldn’t have let you go . . . My loneliness is killing me . . .” I can see why those words might mean something to a guy like myself.

10. Motley Crue “Home Sweet Home.”

Yes, this is a hair metal ballad, but it’s pretty awesome. It’s surprising you don’t hear this one at the bar more like you do with “Livin’ on a Prayer.” The song has that message of being home sweet home, coming down that long and winding road to be with your loved one, or whatever, but it also needs to be on this list just to add some rock and balls.

11. Whitney Houston “I Will Always Love You.”

This song is pretty craptacular, but it will always make me laugh thinking about you belting it out the window on the way back from the same wedding as track 5. You were just going for broke, voice cracking from some of the harder notes, but pretty much nailing it – at least I thought so, but I was drunk. Hope you sing it with at least half of that gusto when you hear it now.**

12. Method Man and Mary J. Blige “I’ll Be There For You

The original song already had some good sentiments, but Meth delivers lines like “all that romance crap to show you love.” Okay, that’s not such a good part, but I like when he says “Even when the skies were gray, you would rub me on my back and tell me ‘baby it will be okay.’” FYI there is around two minutes where they break it on down where I wouldn’t be mad if you skipped it. I just wanted to get some good rap on this list.***

13. Milli Vanilli “I’m Gonna Miss You”

Okay, this one came up when I did a search for “miss,” and I laughed my ass off. If you don’t have fond memories of this song, I understand if you give it a skip. I just picture those goofy dread locked dudes from Germany lip syncing with the record skipping and smile every time. Still, I think it’s kind of a sweet song.

"But there was nothin' I could do to make you stay
I'm gonna miss you"


"Giving all the love I feel for you

couldn't make you change your point of view

You're leavin'.

Now I'm sittin' here, Wastin' my time
I just don't know what I should do"

14. Neutral Milk Hotel “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.”

I remember lying in the bed over by your place, and you asked me to keep playing “pretty songs” on the iTunes. I recall that you liked this one, and I liked how it felt lying next to you listening to it. I figure there will be many “Aeroplanes” in our future over the next couple of years, not necessarily over seas, but lakes and rivers for sure.

This line is good:

"What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun"

And so is this one:

"And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me."


*This isn't the version of "Going to California" that I put on there, the actual one being the version from the "How the West Was Won" disc.

**Okay, that's not Whitney, but that kid is putting it down, whether he knows what he's saying or not.

***This youtube is also a slightly different version, and I think I like it better than the one I put on her disc. Darn!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 1 of 4

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable. Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.


LSD Cali Mix 1 – Liner Notes

1. R. Kelly “Bump N’ Grind.”

There really isn’t a great reason to put this one on here aside from the fact that he’s from Chicago and we did a lot of bumping as well as grinding in the last year. Also, I thought this one might make you laugh because it cracks me up. "My mind's tellin' me no!!"

2. Wilco “California Stars.”

This has always been a feel-good song for me. They’re from Chicago and the song is about California, so what the hell. It’s actually taken from a poem by Woody Guthrie, and I can’t see anyone doing a better job at turning it into a song. It’s also a good driving with the windows down and the wind in your hair type of song – I think.

3. Built to Spill “Car.”

I wanted to be sure that I had a BTS song on here because they’re just about my favorite band; for sure my favorite from Idaho. Will you be driving through The Land of Potatoes? Anyway, the song says “You get the car, I’ll get the night off. You’ll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works.” Also, he says “I need a car, you need a guy who needs a map,” so that makes me think of you and Suzy in the car with a map, and Suzy getting the “night off” of work to drive with you.*

4. Marvin Gaye “Distant Lover.”

I did a search for “distant” or “distance” on the iTunes and this one came up. I had forgotten what a great performance this was. He was driving bitches crazy that night! Anyway, Dr Ken and LSD will be distant lovers for sure. Boot up that Skype, I'll grab some Kleenex, and “let’s get it on” like Marvin!

5. E.U. “Doin’ the Butt.”

I think you will recall driving home from that wedding and me singing this one to random Black folks getting out of the bar in the middle of the night. Plus, I just think you and I sang this goofy one so much to the point that it became a good song. I still need to hear this one at Liars Club before I die . . .**

6. Journey “Faithfully.”

This song is really corny but awesome, and it perfectly expressed what it was like for Steve Perry to be apart from his lady while on tour. One line that is equally gay and amazing is “I get the joy of rediscovering you.” Fuck it. I love this song. I’ll tell the world! I remember listening to this one on my sister’s stereo before I had a CD player. I love those drum fills starting at 2:52. “being apart ain’t easy on this love affair,” but we’ll be stronger for it – I just know it.

7. L.L. Cool J “Going Back to Cali”

There is nothing deeper that went into the logic of putting this song on here except that you used to live in Cali and now you’re going back there. Still, L.L. says “I don’t think so,” which suggests that he would always be representin’ Queens just like you represent Chicago, or wherever we end up together.

Stay tuned for parts 2 through 4, Seven Readers!

*Suzy is her buddy who is driving with her and taking a flight back to Chicago, just so that LSD has some company. Nice, right?
**I think Spike Lee being in this video gives it some street cred.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

My sister was telling me a story about a girl she knew in college who was the male equivilant of a c@ck block. There was one incident where a girl was hitting it off with a guy at a party, and this c-blocker walked right over there, grabbed him by the hand, took him upstairs and got it on with him, later excusing the incident by saying that she "just needed it."

This is when Dr. Ken's sister demonstrated that she is related to me by being equal parts clever and gross when she said that she coined this young woman's nickname: The Beaver Dam. I just love that . . .

You know any other female c-blocker terms?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Is Mark Wahlberg an Asshole?

Well, you be the judge. I did a search on google of whether or not he was a jerk or an asshole, and this is what I found. Now if anyone else searches, I hope this post is the first thing they find because I think I put this Asshole Assessment together quite nicely.

Here's a clip of him threatening to beat up a guy interviewing him just because he calls him an action star. He's doing it in jest but it's a little too much - Mark seems like a bully type that's not yet fully grown up.

Here he is saying that with all his boxing training in movies, he could knock out Manny Pacquiao if he could get in a sucker punch. Also, he says that he punched someone recently and fish hooked another guy's eye socket.

According to his biography on IMDB, this is where he came from:
Wahlberg dropped out of high school at age 14 (but later got his GED) to pursue a life of petty crime and drugs. He'd spend his days scamming and stealing, working on the odd drug deal before treating himself to the substances himself. The young man also had a violent streak - one which was often aimed at minorities. At age 16, he was convicted of assault against two Vietnamese men after he had tried to rob them.
Yes! Beating up minorities! I knew he was an asshole, but this extends to straight-up evil.

What got me on this quest was listening to his commentary in "Boogie Nights" where his phone keeps going off loudly and he never bothers to silence it and at another point he takes a call from his travel agent. The director of the film, Paul Thomas Anderson, had great conversations with the other members of the cast, all of them pointing out scenes they liked and elements of the characters, often characters that weren't theirs, that they enjoyed, while Mark Wahlberg just asked when it was over because he had to go, bitching about the movie being too long. With the other cast members, the conversation just flowed, but with Wahlberg, he had to be prompted to say things, and without fail he would let out a big loud yawn and talk through his yawn. Really, Marky Mark? You didn't know how long the movie was going to be, and once there, you couldn't muster up some enthusiasm or turn your damn phone off? Without that movie, he would never be respected as a serious actor the way he is now, just a serious asshole, so the least he could do was act mildly interested.

Then during John C. Riley's, a much more talented actor, let's face it, portion of the commentary, he tells a story about how during the pool party scene, Wahlberg had his whole entourage with him, now made famous by the overrated HBO series, and he was testing everyone, seeing who would put up with his crap and who he could get a rise out of. People were pushing one another into the pool, but Marky Mark would do it to the same person four times just to get under their skin. Riley says that he doesn't have an angry streak, but he had low blood sugar from not eating and was tired of Wahlberg's crap, so when he got hit square in the forehead in front of everyone with a Marky Mark thrown marshmallow, he just lost it and attacked him. Good job, John C. Riley. Someone needed to stand up to the bully, so I'm glad you had that low blood sugar that day (Also, John is from Chicago so that makes him awesome. I really don't like that for his IMDB biography, the first line is "With a homely mug . . .")

I guess I wouldn't have gotten so mad about Mark being such a turd in the commentary if I didn't love this movie so much; "Boogie Nights" is my favorite film of all time, and when I hate the actor, it ruins the character for me. Dirk Diggler, or really Eddie Adams from Torence, was a sweet innocent kid swept up into a world of sex and drugs, latching onto Jack Horner, the director, and one of the female stars like a father and mother, whereas Mark Wahlberg just seems like an outright butthole. Hopefully with time, when I watch the movie, I'll just see him as Dirk and not the a-hole bully. After all, I was worried that all "Seinfeld" reruns would make me just think what a racist dumbass Michael Richards seemed like at the time, but now he's just Kramer.

Anyone have any thoughts on this guy or know of another celebrity being a jerk? How about one who is supposed to be a jerk but you found them quite nice/misunderstood?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

"Allowance:" Another Short Story

Here is the short story I just submitted for publishing, and I hope you all enjoy it.


“This is so nice,” said Lilly, reaching across the table for David’s hand. “I can’t believe you were able to get us in here.”

“Yeah, it’s not bad” was the most enthused that David could muster in response.
He was trying to live in the moment and simply enjoy himself, but this was not the table the guy on the phone had promised him. Securing the God damn secluded romantic booth shouldn’t have been a problem on a Wednesday, especially since he had booked it weeks ago, but they likely screwed him over for a b-list celebrity.

He would be sure to see whom they seated in the damn thing. No bother. David would still attempt to make the best of this evening out with Lilly, something they were so rarely able to do with their hectic work schedules, both being in their forties and entrenched in the rat race of their respective successful careers.

A young blond waitress in a long black dress approached them saying, quite charmingly, “If there’s one thing I hate about this job, it’s that I have to interrupt romantic moments such as this one. How cute are the two of you?”

David laughed, “Oh don’t worry about that at all, miss. You wouldn’t think we were too cute if we got all starving and crabby on you, so you had to interrupt at some point” said David, who found himself toning down his flirtation midway through his response.

“I suppose you’re right, sir. And if you’re anything like me, sobriety makes you equally crabby, so what can I get the two of you to drink?”

Now David was perked up, but still keeping the full flirtation he would like to have employed at bay, “We’ll make it easy on you: two dirty Goose martinis.”

“Okay, two dirty geese for these fine folks? I can do that. Back in a bit. Get back to canoodling,” said the waitress, as she tapped the table delicately with her open palm and sauntered past Lilly towards the kitchen, flashing a knowing smile at David over her shoulder.

This time David was the one to reach for Lilly’s hand, his mood much improved after that happy interruption, and he did a good job at maintaining eye contact while at the same time soaking in a solid notion of how sexy the young waitress looked from behind in that long black dress.

“Maybe you’re right, Lil’. Perhaps we don’t need that booth all tucked away when we can let the whole joint know just how in love we are.”

“Yeah, and maybe you have a thing for that waitress,” she said with an innocent smile, but in David’s experience with women, nothing was innocent – she picked up on something.

“Yes, and I was thinking we take her home with us, yes?”


God, he only wished.

“No! Of course not! We’re not cut out for that sort of thing. Besides, I don’t want to share you,” he said, effectively diffusing a situation, flashing his charm that he knew he still had, because despite being a touch older than he used to be, a good smile, a few bucks, and lots of tanning could keep him charming for at least another five or six years.

The waitress approached the table, saying, “Here are the dirty-geesies, but I have some bad news: We got swamped by the piano bar, a fricking gin-swilling office party of some kind, and they’re moving me over there to catch the newbies up because I’m the best. So, I guess this is goodbye,” she said, with a cute little frowny face, and this time David was positive she was digging him.

Calmly, David took out his wallet and handed her a large sum of cash and said, “Okay, well here’s the money for the drinks, and you have yourself a lovely evening.”

“Thanks! You two do the same,” she said, not looking at the amount, which David found endearing. Was it possible he was falling in love with his waitress after only this brief amount of time with her? One thing he knew for sure was that he was picking up on some seriously amazing vibes, and he was sure she felt the same.

Waiting it out, after getting a new dull waitress and having a few bites of his meal, he would make his move. He excused himself and walked towards the nearest bathrooms, which thankfully were in the piano bar section – her section.

Walking in, he spotted her instantly – her long legs, perky breasts, long flowing blond hair, and that incredible disarming smile of hers. Casually, he approached her, and reaching for one of his leather business card holder, he touched the fuzzy engagement ring box he was actually going to give Lilly tonight; He was about to make a huge mistake, and this beautiful woman saved him.

Handing her a card, he said, “Listen, I know I’m with someone here, and this is a little embarrassing, but I took her out tonight to end it. I know what I want, and I think it’s someone exactly like you. You’re beautiful, elegant, witty, and just . . . great. Call me, will you?”

Appearing a little shocked and flattered, the waitress said, “I do believe I will, Mr.” (looking at the card to read the name) “Brenneman. I thought we had something going on back there. Now, go do what you have to do with your date, and be expecting a phone call tomorrow, young man.” And with that, she went right back to charming the pants off of that awfully drunk office party for a moment, but as David walked back to Lilly and his table, the waitress made her way to a staff bathroom in the back, joining her friend and coworker who was straightening up her makeup, beginning her shift.

As the waitress, David’s waitress, took out her mirror/cocaine case and lined up a bump to get her through what was to be a busy night, she said to her friend, “Guess who just found herself the perfect man to give me the allowance I’m going to need for the next few months?”

“No! But you just ended the last one. I’m beginning to think you do it because you like the old guys.”

“That’s not it at all. I mean, this new one is attractive for an older guy, but I really need the money, and it’s the only way to get it as fast as I need it. Besides, this is the last one, I promise. Just this one last sugar daddy and then I’ll have enough saved to finally make it to New York for good. Aren’t you happy for me?”

Laughing, her friend said, as she joined the other waitress for a rail of cocaine of her own, “Yes. I suppose so. Does he have a friend?”

Monday, August 15, 2011

Optimistic Prime

LSD and I went to an alumni party for the graduate school she is going to in California, and the rest of the new students they were welcoming were incoming undergraduates. I joked with her on the ride up that someone was going to think we were an undergraduate student's parents, and someone actually did ask us that. I don't think we look old enough to have an 18-year-old kid, but I was hungover and she was tired from a half-marathon. Still, that was a tactless question, and the guy with a lack of tact was my role at this function, damn it.

It was at someone's house, and they had lots of money. I'll never have a kitchen that big. Ever. There were some pretty awesome cookies with the school's mascot on them, so that was fun. Also, I started with two coke zeros, and then my mood really improved when I saw there were Heinekens in another cooler.

I met a mathematician, so I asked her if she heard the one about the constipated mathematician? You know, he worked it out with a pencil? Now, that's a disgusting joke that paints a really gross picture, but how often do I get a chance to use that joke?

We met a girl with the last name of Stream, so we'll say her name was Sandy Stream, and I told LSD on the ride home that she has a great pee-pee-porn name.

Maybe it's best for LSD's career that she get away from me for a little while . . .

On a serious note, we met a guy who seemed very sad for us that we're starting this long-distance relationship, but he seemed to like us and was optimistic, reminding us that two years when you're an adult goes by very fast. I'm trying to be optimistic too, like Optimistic Prime. I mean, I am a pretty awesome boyfriend for driving her to and from this event, and peppering conversations with uncomfortable comments. If I could turn into an 18-wheeler like Optimistic Prime, I'd drive all her stuff out there, turn into a robot for a bit, run around on the beach scaring the shit out of people, maybe even have an awesome tailgate party in the back.

Wait, what happened to the "serious note?" This will be a tough period, but she's the shit, I'm the shit, and together we're anything but shitty, so this just has to work. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Does The Naked Guy Run Marathons?

And yes, "The" is capitalized in the title of this post because that's just how I write his name.

I ran with a running group for the first time along with my friend Monique, who is running her first marathon like myself, and first let me rant about how dumb these groups are. Yes, you get some free Gatorade and water along the way, it gives you encouragement not to stop, they have pace people to keep you running at whatever pace you want, and there are no doubt many other advantages. Ooh, and free crackers and shit at the end. That's good too, but here's what I don't like: They yell out when there is a guy on a bike coming, they yell when there's the slightest divot in the gravel, and overall, they just make you feel like when you were with a nerdy group of friends in high school when you see normal people who simply run by themselves, the cool kids in this scenario.

Okay, now for what's been on my mind, and brace yourself because this is a break through:

I think I saw The Naked Guy from The Liars Club running in the 8 minute mile group with Monique's friend.

We opted for the 9 and a 1/2 minute miles and that was plenty fast when you're doing 15. I don't want to get off on another rant about how dumb it is to run so damn far because I need you, My Seven Readers, to help me get to the bottom of this mystery.

Now, The Naked Guy is the gentleman who strips naked and dances around at my favorite bar of all time, a place where my ashes will likely be on a shelf behind the bar next to the Goldschlager, The Liars Club. I know from my conversations with The Naked Guy that he is a nudist, but if he were an avid runner it wouldn't surprise me because he stays in pretty good shape (click here if you want to know a little bit more about the LC or the NG).

I write on The Liars Club Facebook page from time-to-time so I was going to ask on there if The Naked Guy is also The Marathon Guy, but I was the last guy to comment on the page - making me look like a weirdo if I comment twice in a row.

This is why I enlisted the help of my Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP), also a big fan of the bar, the two of us got in lots of trouble in there over the years, to ask this burning question for me.

I shall keep you posted, Seven Readers . . .

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Rape Me, My Friend.

I was running today to "In Utero" by Nirvana, something I hadn't heard in a long time. What struck me is that this is their worst record by far - not even close. He had success and too much fame for his tastes and wanted to release a big F-U to the public, and he was probably horribly depressed and doing too many drugs. Still, it's a better record than most any band will ever make; He was such a naturally gifted songwriter that he made a good record in spite of himself.

Then when "Rape Me" came on, I thought about an Environmental Science class in high school that I was taking when that record came out (Dr. Ken went to school during the grunge era) and a project we had in which we had to bring in a CD to play with a song that was about the environment.

A young Dr. Ken, a metal-head at the time, read a few lyrics from a song called "Greenhouse Effect" by Testament, which is a rather awful song about, you guessed it, the greenhouse effect. Only like three tracks still hold up on that album, but the cover art is still terrific, don't you think? I didn't want to play it on the stereo because I thought the metal would scare the other kids - I was a giant pussy at the time because now I would be more like, "deal with it, pussies."

Then, a classmate of mine had the teacher put on "Rape Me" by Nirvana. We listened to the whole thing, and the teacher was obviously disturbed and offended, especially by the time it got to the breakdown at the end where Kurt is just yelling "rape me" over-and-over again. She asked the young man what the song is supposed to mean and just why in the hell did we listen to that whole abrasive thing, to which he said, "I dunno. I couldn't think of anything."

He could have made something up about it being about mother earth being raped by non-earth conscious consumers using too much hair spray and polluting and the like, but nope, he just came clean and said he couldn't think of anything. Outstanding. A good day in my otherwise highly uneventful high school tenure. Don't forget to turn off my music player along the right panel if you want to see this awesome live performance of "Rape Me" with a young Dave Grohl going all the way off.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

I'm halfway, okay, maybe a third-way, through a short story, and I just had to get a break from it and update the old blog. I'll probably post the finished product on here tomorrow.

I'm in the Starbucks, and some woman came in here with the two nuttiest little boys ever, like 2 and 3 years old respectively. She went to the counter and let them terrorize the place, begging for some of the orange soda from the guy across from me and then reaching for my hot coffee. I told them, "No, boys. That's hot." The guy across from me was laughing and smiling and so was I. The mom at the counter didn't even turn around to see what her kids were doing.

Then she sat right by us, and there was something really off about these kids but more in the parenting. She kept saying please when asking them to do things, and it was with this nicey-nice tone. I'm critical of shitty parents in public places, which probably means I'll be worse at it than all of them some day, bribing my kids with cookies like this lady.

In other news, I'm reading "Rules of Attraction" by Bret Easton Ellis, and it's outstanding. Anyone ever read it? It sort of inspired the idea for this short story, the notion that people are always falling for the wrong people.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to a Chicago Cubs game with HLP, James Douglas, and Captain Jack. You know what's funny? I recently had someone tell me that she wanted to get into the blog and get a blog nickname. Anyone else have people requesting that?

Also, I'm not quite ready for this marathon in a couple months, but I may be filling in for LSD in a half-marathon this weekend. My workouts inspired this Facebook update:

Lately, when I work out, I need heavy metal, and when I work out a lot, I eat healthier, buying and enjoying more produce. As a result, I'm going through a simultaneous heavy metal and produce revolution. I call it: Megadeth and Mangos.

I think that the eating healthy thing is great, but the metal thing is really strange because I haven't been this into metal since I was in high school, over 15 years ago. No other type of music can push me in the way that a good and heavy song can. I need that aggressive pace and angry vocals to help me wince through the pain. The ultimate band for this is called Kyuss, and if you haven't heard of them, go buy either "Blues for the Red Sun," "Welcome To Sky Valley," or "And the Circus Leaves Town," all of which are perfect heavy records, not necessarily metal, but heavy, sludgy, progressive, and addictive.

Okay, I'm going to finish this book, hang out with LSD for a bit, and then when she meets some friends for a drink, I'll try to finish this story. Take it easy, Seven Readers.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

So, I was taking a picture of some girls last night who were friends of friends . . .

. . . and one told me to hold the camera up high and point it downward, and because I was like 10 Corona's deep, I blurted out, "Oh, you mean to minimize the double chins. Gotcha." The first pic I took had 5 pissed off faces and one giving me the bird.

Then I had to split a cab with them downtown.

This uncomfortable foot-in-the-mouth moment has been brought to you by Summer's Eve.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Old Style Beer and the Old Style of Peeing

Wrigley Field announced that it will stop carrying Old Style and replace it with, rumor has it, Coors Light. This is a tragedy. Yes, Old Style tastes like liquid ass, but it's a man's beer - it tastes like a beer. Bitter, gross, and like diesel fuel - it tastes like when your dad gave you a sip of beer when you were seven and you wanted to puke.

Now, Old Style used to be a quarter or fifty cents cheaper, but then it became the same price. Once it became the same amount of money, the only time one opted for the Dog Pile (as it's sometimes known as) is when the Bud beer vendor hadn't been to your section in a while. It's not like I'm going to miss the taste of the beer too much, but taking away Old Style is kind of like taking away tradition. A nasty, skunky tradition that I treasured and something that has been a part of the ballpark for as long as I can remember.

If you're anything like me, and I hope for your sake you're not, this is making you worry that they will take away other mainstays, like the trough-style urinals. I started a Facebook group to keep the troughs in Wrigley around a year ago, and we have built a robust number of seven people who are willing to put their name on a movement to keep peeing in something horses eat out of.

With your help, we can get over 10 people . . .

Click these words to join the movement.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

What's Your L. Ron Hubbard Name?

When we were at the bar - I have no idea why this came up - (why does anything come up at the bar?) we started going around the table saying our L. Ron Hubbard names: the first letter of your first name, followed by your whole middle and last name. This could also be called your M. Night Shyamalan name. Often times it makes the person sound a lot more important than he/she really is.

I can't give you names of myself or any of my friends, but I will give you some fun ones (God bless wikipedia for having all the full names of goofy celebrities):

R. Milhous Nixon (Yup. His middle name was like Bart's nerdy buddy on "The Simpsons."

H. Enrique Estrada (Ponch from Chips sounds pretty serious with his name like this.)

M. Andrew Fox (We're not letting "Michael J." fool us with that middle initial that doesn't stand for anything - not in this game!)

O. James Simpson (A way better athlete/double-murderer with this name)

L. Anthony Gallagher Jr. (Yeah. The guy who smashes watermelons with a mallet)

C. Javon Ochocinco (This dumb-dumb should know that it's ochenta y cinco, but this game even makes this goof ball seem more legitimate, right?)

So, Seven Readers, would you like to submit a celebrity L. Ron name into the comments? Perhaps you can even try using your L. Ron name on a job application to make yourself sound more important, like someone worthy of important things, such as making up a bogus religion about aliens to con celebrities out of their money. Something like that . . .

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

LSD, my girlfriend, and I have reached a very important part of our relationship where I feel comfortable asking her the following extremely pivotal question:

"Hey, babe. Is this a whopper zit on the back of my ear? I have no way of seeing it."

Monday, August 01, 2011

So, all I had to do today was buy flip-flops . . .

. . . and that's all I really accomplished, so it's what I'm going to write about.

See if you can tell me what's strange about this conversation when I was ringing up my two pairs of thongs. I still call them thongs sometimes . . .

Cashier: You find everything okay, brau?
Ken: Yessir.
Cashier: Okay, cash or credit?
Ken: Credit (hands him his card)
Cashier: Your name, bro?
Ken: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater
Cashier: And address, bro?
Ken: 6969 W. Riveredge Road.
Cashier: And phone number, brau?
Ken: 555-8309
Cashier: Okay, just sign right here, bro.
Ken: There you go
Cahier: Okay, need a bag?
Ken: Nah.
Cahier: Okay, have a good one, bro.

And if you said the funny thing about this exchange, besides the goofy address and phone number and how much information he requested, was that he called me bro 4 times and brau 2 times, you win! He dealt me a full house, bro's over brau's, plus an extra bro for good measure!

Now, did he think that it was okay to call me that because I'm youngish looking, had on a Motley Crue shirt and my hair was still messy from coming home from my lady-friend's? Or does his company, which sounds a little like Bird of Prey from the United States (good selection of thongs!) trains him to call people brau and the like?

Here's another question, which term do you hate being called the most:

Big fella
Big homey
Lil' homey
My man
Ma'am (Makes women feel old)
Sugar (This one is okay if it's used by a waitress with an old fashioned bea hive hairdo)

Any others you would like to add?