Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Naked Guy

You heard it here, folks. If you ask me what the best bar in the city of Chicago is, without a doubt, and without hesitation, I will tell you The Liar’s Club. Let me give you a few reasons why:

1. Take a look at this picture. I mean the place looks condemned for Christ’s sake. You know that if a bar has a fa├žade like this, then it must stay busy on reputation alone.

2. They have the best music/DJ’s. I know the Friday and Saturday DJ’s by name, and they not only play awesome stuff on their own, but they play most anything I request. If you were by the DJ booth around 12:30 last night, you would have heard this exchange:

Me: I’m going to leave it up to you, Kevin. Do you want to play Chains of Love by Erasure or Billy Idol’s Dancing With Myself?
Kevin: I’ll play them both, man.

What’s crazy too is that they will blare heavy metal music out of nowhere. Everyone will be done dancing to Justin Timberlake, or whatever, and then Mother by Danzig will kick in.
You’d think that would clear the floor, but people dance away and sing to their friends, and sing to people they’ve never met, but could tell are cool because they know the words to a random song like that, or some other terrific song.

3. They have The Naked Guy. On any given Friday night, when you hear It’s Getting Hot In Here by Nelly, look over to the end of the bar for a guy who looks like a mix between Kevin Spacey and the guy from Midnight Oil. The second he hears the song, he takes one last drag from his cigarette before extinguishing it, he takes one last healthy swig from his cocktail, and he marches out to the dance floor. It’s kind of like when Batman gets the call. The only difference is, I’ve never seen Batman strip naked and dance by himself, although for the right price I think Adam West might be willing to do a naked appearance and dance the Batoosie. As I was saying, the man who is simply known as The Naked Guy begins a dance that seems to be intentionally done in a way as to create an over exaggerated flopping motion. Girls circle around him and take pictures of him, while I dance with a hand blocking the view of the flip-flopping member. One night I struck up a conversation with The Naked Guy, and I said to him, “Say, Naked Guy, how ever did you start this fine tradition?” Evidently, someone dared him to do it a number of years back, and he has been dancing in nature's own just about every Friday night since. He’s also a card-carrying nudist, well, I don’t know if they have cards, or where they’d carry them when they’re naked, but he goes to nudist events all over the country. Through the course of the conversation I did get his real name, but to me, and the other loyal patrons of the best bar in Chicago, he will always simply be The Naked Guy. Here’s to you, Naked Guy. May you continue to flip and flop yourself to your heart's content.

8 comments:

mysterygirl! said...

Naked Guy and Erasure's Chains of Love? I can't believe I never found that place when I lived in Chicago.

beachgirl said...

This place sounds like heaven!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mystery- I'm kind of surprised you never made it there. You must not have known the secret password . . .

Beach- In a perfect world, it will be my heaven. Which bar would be my hell? A friend of mine was in the suburbs, waiting in a line, in the cold, to see a bad cover band. Imagine THAT for an eternity.

beachgirl said...

ohhhh a bad cover band, and waiting in the rain?? That IS hell... One of my favorite cover bands is playing our Junior League Gala... Seriously, they are AWESOME!! I used to go see them when I was in college... Something is just not right when your favorite college cover band is playing at a black tie affair.. I think my world just turned upside down...

RevRee said...

The "Naked guy's" ass is kinda flat...

ocg said...

I accidentally clicked on the "rear view" of the naked guy and had to see that picture in a much larger version.

Thanks for that.

However, if I ever come to CHI, I am calling you for directions to this place. Sounds awesome.

the belligerent intellectual said...

I can only think of one place one might carry a card when nude, but I'd say it would be reserved for cash and spare change.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Beach- I'm glad your buddy's band is still raising the goblet of rock.

Revree- That photo is not THE Naked Guy. The real one's ass is so tight you could bounce quarters off of it. I mean . . . I didn't look that closely, so I wouldn't know . . .

OC- Calling for directions? Bullshit. If you're ever in town we're going together and turning that motha' out.

Belligerent- Thanks for bringing to the table your level of expertise on the topic of nudists.