I don’t claim to be a grammar whore. I know I mess up lots of stuff, but there are some English language boo-boo’s that make my skin crawl. I started to go in order of most annoying, but I think to avoid being anticlimactic, I’m going to go in order of how funny the screw ups were.
5. This one girl and I did an internship together a ways back, and by the time it was over we both hated one another. Remember that Seinfeld where Jerry’s mom can’t fathom how anyone could not like Jerry? That’s how I felt. I’m not saying that everyone loves me, but I get along with most everyone, and I’ve certainly never had someone detest me to this degree. I think it had something to do with the fact that we were complete opposites, we shared a 10 by 10 office Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and we had every one of our grad. school classes together Tuesday and Thursday. The word that this gal said that made me want to turn on a hand mixer and swirl around my innards was UNappropriate. Yes, UN.
4. This same girl was talking about the new dog she was getting. Shit, I have to look up the spelling on this . . . I’m so damn lazy. Okay, Weimaraneris the name of the breed. She would say “wisenheimer.” Isn’t that something Moe called Curly on any given episode of the stooges just before he stuck a finger in each of his eyes? Believe me, doing the finger in the eyes bit sounded like a good idea after the 7th or 8th time she screwed up this word. Maybe getting on the ground and running around in a circle, i.e. the Curly Shuffle, would have helped me blow off some steam. I mean, the fact that I already couldn’t stand her, and she was so darn excited about this dog, and she KEPT saying the wrong word, and such a silly word . . .
3. I work with a girl that is just my type physically. She is a petite, little, Italian woman with dark, curly hair. I don’t want to sound like a pig here, but I’d be leaving out a very important piece of information if I did not mention her rear end. She’s super thin and then her rump just jets out to the point where, if she were standing up, one could set his can of beer on her hiney, you know, if you needed to free up a hand for something. Her drawbacks, as far as the possibility of ever dating her are concerned, are that I work with her, and she has a kid (sorry if that sounds insensitive, but I'm not ready for that). However, I think I’d sooner look past those two MAJOR strikes against her before I’d get past the fact that about every other time I talk to her she says “supposaBly” with a “b.”
2. While working at a music store, the best job I’ve ever had incidentally, a customer struck up a conversation with me about the band Queen. He said something to the effect of, “That guy could sing.I mean, he was awesome. I don’t care if he was as gay as a three dollar bill.” It’s QUEER as a 3 dollar bill, you nimrod! Hasn’t he ever stopped and thought how the expression made no sense the way he was saying it? What’s funny is now I say it his way in a thick Chicago accent, and it gets enough laughs for me to continue to do so.
1. Many moons ago my friend’s dad had one of his buddies over, and over the course of a brief conversation, the guy made two of the funniest blunders I’ve ever heard. The first came when he said he was in a subdivision and turned his car around in “one of those coups d'états (he meant cul de sac). Then he was talking about something he had seen on the nature channel in which a tribe in Africa practiced annual sex. My friend’s dad asked, “You mean sex once a year?” To which he replied, “No, man. Sex in the butt. In the butt!” I think you know which word he meant to say.
I have to open this one up to the floor, since so many of you are such talented writers. What’s the crappiest use of the English language you’ve ever heard?