Friday, January 12, 2007

Microwave Based Diets and the Quest for the Perfect Outgoing Message

One of my roommates took off for Las Vegas for whatever the porno awards are called. He's never been to the awards show or the city, and knowing his personality and indulgences, it could make him overload and tweak out like the robot on Lost in Space.

One of two things is eminent:
1. He will spend all his money on bad, bad things and be short on rent when he gets back.
2. He will disappear without a trace, or disappear only to pop up months later as the world's most successful pornographer.

He just started Seattle Sutton Healthy Eating, which in case you never heard of it, is a diet whereby you pick up weekly loads of 3 daily, healthy meals. Since he can't eat them in Vegas, and they will go bad by the time he comes back, he has given another roommate and myself permission to consume all of them at our own pace. They're not great, but they're free meals, so we're going ALL the way off on those bad boys.

In a completely unrelated matter, I started a new volleyball league with a team I've assembled with two roomies, one good friend, his girlfriend, two of her friends, and a friend of the other roomy. It's 8 people in all, and I had never met 3 of the girls. The team played well, and drank well, which is typically more important. However, my optimism for a fun season came to a screeching halt when the topic of the outgoing message on my phone came up. My roomy said that it sounds like I'm saying his name, like I'm talking directly to him for some reason. One of the new girls listened to the message and determined that I was actually saying, "uh." Then she starts going OFF about how she hates when guys leave her a message and say "uh," and how she would never call a guy back when they do that. Mind you, she's MAD. I tried to keep it light, so I was like, "Well, it's endearing and cute when Woody Allen and Hugh Grant stutter and stammer." To this she CONTINUES to go off about how stupid I sounded, like she's trying to antagonize me. You just met me, you nut!! I'm thinking, but not saying, of course, 'so have you ever won any awards for your outgoing message? Did Ed McMahon come to your house with an over-sized, novelty check and present you with an Outgoing Messagey Award.' Boy, The Messagies wouldn't be quite as fun or get as much press coverage as The Emmies . . .

I was mad as hell, so I got drunk and ate the shit out of a couple Seattle Sutton Dinners. Does she honestly think I give a shit what my outgoing message sounds like? As if I'm really going to change it because a bimbo hairdresser thinks I sound too indecisive.

So, I'm changing my outgoing message on my phone, and I noticed that I didn't say "uh" at all. It was, in fact, a "hi" that sounded like an "uh." "Uh's" and "hi's" aside, it was a damn, shitty, out-going message. I sound hung over and underwhelmed, and I don't think I would have recorded the thing at a bar, but I'll be damned if it doesn't sound like there are bar noises in the background. When I rerecorded the thing it took me like 20 takes, and I'm still not even close to being happy with it.

What about you, seven readers? Do you hate the sound of your own voice and rerecord your outgoing message a mess of times before settling on one? Hey, if you want to talk about stuff like Bush sending more ground troops to Iraq go elsewhere, because The Gancer deals exclusively with crappola topics like this.

20 comments:

classyandfancy said...

All I have to say is wow! Who really analyzes an outgoing message to determine whether or not they will call someone again? Wouldn't you rely on say, whethere or not you actually liked the person in person? I've had the same message on my phone for like 5 years or something. My dad says I sound like a hillbilly and you know what maybe I do, don't call me again suckers!

Mood Indigo said...

mine's pretty dorky but I recorded it after I got back from Costa Rica when saying "ciao" instead of "bye" still rolled of my tonque and made me feel like I was remotely fluent in Spanish, so I keep it, for its sentimental value.

I think you should post your new message so we can critique it.

Also - way to eat the shit out of those diet dinners - you showed her!

Mood Indigo said...

'of', 'off', same diff...

laura said...

Uh. What an odd girl.

My outgoing message says: "you've reached the voicemail of Laura. Please leave a message"

Jay said...

I can never get my out-going message right. Either I sound moody and depressed, or I try to be upbeat and I sound like the guy on the cinema times phone line.

Maybe you should employ a bimbo hairdresser to record yours for you.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: Yeah, the nerve on that hoochie-mama . . .

Mood: There is no way in heck I'm posting a sound bite of my outgoing message. For one, I don't know how, cause I'm like Unfrozen Caveman Blogger, and second, I'm embarrassed when I"m the only one listening to it, so there's no way in heck I want my esteemed blogging buddies listening. I just said heck twice. Well, ciao, mood! :)

Laura: Simple. To the point. I like it.

Jay: That's my EXACT problem. I sounded sedated in my old one, so then I tried to overcompensate, and now I sound like an overenthusiastic tour guide in Disney World. Shit, that's not bad. I should add that to the blog. Fuck it, I'm too lazy.

Ms Smack said...

She has WAY too much time on her hands and why the hell should she care if you're taking a dump on your phone message?

I am glad your blog doesnt talk about Iraq.

And yes, I re-record until I sound a little less dorky.

:)

K.I.D. said...

I hate the sound of my own voice...so on my outgoing message, I let the voicemail lady do all the talking. All I did was state my name. None of this pesky, awkward redoing the message business.

hamburger helper said...

one of my floor-mates in college actually composed and recorded (with piss-poor vocals and synthesizer accompaniment) songs for each of our outgoing messages...

oh, the things you do when you're bored at a music conservatory.

Matt said...

First of all, for your friend going to the porn awards; good going! Living the dream.

I don't think anyone likes the sound of themselves on their answerphone, which is why mine is still the factory default monotone woman. Why not open it up to your seven readers? I'm sure between us all we can create a greeting worthy of your answerphone!

Ms Smack said...

Hey, what happened with the neighbour girls?

Steph said...

EVERY message sounds shite. What a crazy nutjob she is. Does anyone give a fuck about that sorta stuff??

RevRee said...

First of all, she sounds like an insecure little girl!

Second, she wanted you.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: Yeah, what a nut. I'm glad I'm not the only person rerecording until my voice is horse.

K.I.D.: I always consider going with the automated greeting, but then I think I'll record a good one this time; I never do.

Helper: Don't like. That "friend" was you.

Smack: I'm running out of time. I'll probably stop over there later this week.

Steph: Yeah, this girl needs a throttling. It's a good thing for her she's decent at volleyball.

Rev: Maybe you're right on both accounts, but then why did she almost make out with my roommate? To make me jealous perhaps . . .

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Dr. Ken: I know a good therapist if you want one. I think she might be able to help you with your outgoing message issues.

Yes, I hate mine. But does anybody really like their own?

chuckdaddy2000 said...

I always get kind of freaked out and surprised when I hear my voice on the message, that whole it doesn't sound like yourself thing.

The worst though, is have you ever had to watch a videotape of yourself teaching? Then in addition to the weird voice thing you have the seeing all your nervous habits. I'm still recovering and I saw that video of myself like 6 years ago.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: I'll have to pay attention to your voicemail next time I call. Then I'll goof on you.

Chuck: I don't want any part of seeing myself on video. That must be brutal.

Lori Mocha said...

I love the sound of my own voice.

But I let the voicemail robot answer my phone.

Go figure.

trinity67 said...

Yes I hate the sound of my own voice but what are you going to do. What's more annoying is when people call but don't leave a message. Or when strangers walk into you but don't apologize. Or grab the last shopping cart and walk off, leaving you standing there with an armful of groceries. I'm reading a wonderful book, "Talk To The Hand" by Lynne Truss. It's funny so it's helping.

The girl sounds extremely annoying. Next time tell her to go rotate.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mocha: Voicmail Robot Guy is really consistent. He's like a rock.

Trinity: That gal is a bit nuts. She wasn't too good at volleyball either.