Microwave Based Diets and the Quest for the Perfect Outgoing Message

One of my roommates took off for Las Vegas for whatever the porno awards are called. He's never been to the awards show or the city, and knowing his personality and indulgences, it could make him overload and tweak out like the robot on Lost in Space.

One of two things is eminent:
1. He will spend all his money on bad, bad things and be short on rent when he gets back.
2. He will disappear without a trace, or disappear only to pop up months later as the world's most successful pornographer.

He just started Seattle Sutton Healthy Eating, which in case you never heard of it, is a diet whereby you pick up weekly loads of 3 daily, healthy meals. Since he can't eat them in Vegas, and they will go bad by the time he comes back, he has given another roommate and myself permission to consume all of them at our own pace. They're not great, but they're free meals, so we're going ALL the way off on those bad boys.

In a completely unrelated matter, I started a new volleyball league with a team I've assembled with two roomies, one good friend, his girlfriend, two of her friends, and a friend of the other roomy. It's 8 people in all, and I had never met 3 of the girls. The team played well, and drank well, which is typically more important. However, my optimism for a fun season came to a screeching halt when the topic of the outgoing message on my phone came up. My roomy said that it sounds like I'm saying his name, like I'm talking directly to him for some reason. One of the new girls listened to the message and determined that I was actually saying, "uh." Then she starts going OFF about how she hates when guys leave her a message and say "uh," and how she would never call a guy back when they do that. Mind you, she's MAD. I tried to keep it light, so I was like, "Well, it's endearing and cute when Woody Allen and Hugh Grant stutter and stammer." To this she CONTINUES to go off about how stupid I sounded, like she's trying to antagonize me. You just met me, you nut!! I'm thinking, but not saying, of course, 'so have you ever won any awards for your outgoing message? Did Ed McMahon come to your house with an over-sized, novelty check and present you with an Outgoing Messagey Award.' Boy, The Messagies wouldn't be quite as fun or get as much press coverage as The Emmies . . .

I was mad as hell, so I got drunk and ate the shit out of a couple Seattle Sutton Dinners. Does she honestly think I give a shit what my outgoing message sounds like? As if I'm really going to change it because a bimbo hairdresser thinks I sound too indecisive.

So, I'm changing my outgoing message on my phone, and I noticed that I didn't say "uh" at all. It was, in fact, a "hi" that sounded like an "uh." "Uh's" and "hi's" aside, it was a damn, shitty, out-going message. I sound hung over and underwhelmed, and I don't think I would have recorded the thing at a bar, but I'll be damned if it doesn't sound like there are bar noises in the background. When I rerecorded the thing it took me like 20 takes, and I'm still not even close to being happy with it.

What about you, seven readers? Do you hate the sound of your own voice and rerecord your outgoing message a mess of times before settling on one? Hey, if you want to talk about stuff like Bush sending more ground troops to Iraq go elsewhere, because The Gancer deals exclusively with crappola topics like this.